Big, Long, Whine.
So, I’m sitting here at my computer again. I don’t really have a specific reason to be here, but I don’t have a reason to be anywhere else. I guess it’s just a way to pass the time. I can think of no other good reasons (excuses).
When I don’t have homework I sit here until gym. If I don’t have gym I sit here until bed time, and even then I don’t pull away. Last night I was sitting here, passing the time idly by until 1:00 AM. I suppose I could study, or workout, or actually do something constructive, but it never seems to happen. “After this.” I’ll tell myself, or “One more round.” or “Tomorrow.” Funny how tomorrow never seems to come. Well, not funny, more like sadly coincidental. Anyway, my procrastinational powers are not limited to just school or computers, I put things off all the time. At gym, I should compete, but I don’t. I should be junior elite, but I’m not. In school, I should have a 3.5 or a 4.0, but I don’t. I always manage to talk myself out of it. “You could if you really wanted to?” “Really?” “Yea.” Sad how that seems to be enough for me, I wish it wasn’t. I’m sick of just floating through my life, but it’s all I know how to do.
I want to change, I really do. But I don’t know how.
I suppose I could be worse. I could be like I was a year ago. At least now I can feel things. For a while, I almost didn’t have any emotions. Nothing was wrong in my life, not really, so I convinced myself that if I wasn’t going to be unhappy I should be cheerful, and it seemed to work, for a while at least. Freshman year floated by (I can’t really remember any of it), followed by sophomore year. I managed to awaken a little that second year, but nothing to amazing. I probably possessed the emotional capacity of a seventh grader or an eighth grader. Then, over the summer something happened. I don’t really know when or where it happened but it did happen. I think I found real joy at gym. I started to understand my own power and how to use it. I began to learn how to live outside my little observational bubble. I do know of one even that truly helped me - camp.
The YMCA Shady Brook camp helped. Not “helped” like I found god (AAAHAHAHAHAHA) or anything, but the people I met, they helped. I suppose you’d have to understand what happened up there to clearly understand what I’m talking about.
The kids in my cabin and in our group became some of the closest friends I’ve ever had. I think everyone in the group felt that way. I trusted each and every person completely. I understood all their weaknesses and at the same time I knew their individual strengths. These people I met and befriended in a week’s time became family to me. Bit of a sappy way to put it I suppose, but it’s the best I can do.
Anyway, because of the trust and friendships that were formed I started to open up. Not really to my new friends, but to myself. In dealing with small children (it was a leadership camp) I found myself dealing with some of the purest people you can imagine.
Anyone who has dealt with children will understand what I mean. Children, for the most part, don’t fuck around. If they want something, they take it. If they feel or think something they say it. If you fuck up around a child or do something they don’t like, they let you know it. It’s a very interesting way to learn about yourself. But it’s also very hard. Often, I found I had to push my limits just to adequately deal with the situations that arose and I constantly found myself miles outside of my comfort zone. But it felt good. It really did.
Well, I have to go to bed. Maybe I’ll finish this tonight. Doubtful though, somehow I think this is just me moping (not sure why I am).
When I don’t have homework I sit here until gym. If I don’t have gym I sit here until bed time, and even then I don’t pull away. Last night I was sitting here, passing the time idly by until 1:00 AM. I suppose I could study, or workout, or actually do something constructive, but it never seems to happen. “After this.” I’ll tell myself, or “One more round.” or “Tomorrow.” Funny how tomorrow never seems to come. Well, not funny, more like sadly coincidental. Anyway, my procrastinational powers are not limited to just school or computers, I put things off all the time. At gym, I should compete, but I don’t. I should be junior elite, but I’m not. In school, I should have a 3.5 or a 4.0, but I don’t. I always manage to talk myself out of it. “You could if you really wanted to?” “Really?” “Yea.” Sad how that seems to be enough for me, I wish it wasn’t. I’m sick of just floating through my life, but it’s all I know how to do.
I want to change, I really do. But I don’t know how.
I suppose I could be worse. I could be like I was a year ago. At least now I can feel things. For a while, I almost didn’t have any emotions. Nothing was wrong in my life, not really, so I convinced myself that if I wasn’t going to be unhappy I should be cheerful, and it seemed to work, for a while at least. Freshman year floated by (I can’t really remember any of it), followed by sophomore year. I managed to awaken a little that second year, but nothing to amazing. I probably possessed the emotional capacity of a seventh grader or an eighth grader. Then, over the summer something happened. I don’t really know when or where it happened but it did happen. I think I found real joy at gym. I started to understand my own power and how to use it. I began to learn how to live outside my little observational bubble. I do know of one even that truly helped me - camp.
The YMCA Shady Brook camp helped. Not “helped” like I found god (AAAHAHAHAHAHA) or anything, but the people I met, they helped. I suppose you’d have to understand what happened up there to clearly understand what I’m talking about.
The kids in my cabin and in our group became some of the closest friends I’ve ever had. I think everyone in the group felt that way. I trusted each and every person completely. I understood all their weaknesses and at the same time I knew their individual strengths. These people I met and befriended in a week’s time became family to me. Bit of a sappy way to put it I suppose, but it’s the best I can do.
Anyway, because of the trust and friendships that were formed I started to open up. Not really to my new friends, but to myself. In dealing with small children (it was a leadership camp) I found myself dealing with some of the purest people you can imagine.
Anyone who has dealt with children will understand what I mean. Children, for the most part, don’t fuck around. If they want something, they take it. If they feel or think something they say it. If you fuck up around a child or do something they don’t like, they let you know it. It’s a very interesting way to learn about yourself. But it’s also very hard. Often, I found I had to push my limits just to adequately deal with the situations that arose and I constantly found myself miles outside of my comfort zone. But it felt good. It really did.
Well, I have to go to bed. Maybe I’ll finish this tonight. Doubtful though, somehow I think this is just me moping (not sure why I am).