Bad mental health
1/10/17
After managing emotions group. I made a massive bullet point list of stuff I need to talk about. Then i picked out those things I starred and wrote a list of prioritised stuff I need to talk about.
He read it during the break today. Most of the things are about what I feel like. One of them is about transference. No explanation of the word. His whole expression and body language changed. He also couldn't read the word 'Paul'. Actually, I think he was using that as a little sneaky disguise for his reaction.
Stuff on my list:
Issue 1: Running away from home, don't feel safe there.
So I'm trying to find a way to resolve this issue. Not trying to find a way to make myself go home but finding a way to stay out all night tonight and tomorrow night. The following thoughts have so far occurred to me:
- going into a building that doesn't close (Manchester airport, Trafford Centre)
- going to a place that shuts late (pub/ club but it's a Tuesday night, Trafford centre) followed by somewhere that opens early, with an hour or two in the streets in the middle.
- stay somewhere after closing (hide in the toilets at the library)
- lock myself into a place I won't be found all night (public toilet, changing room)
- stay out somewhere (currently at the canal side)
- cause some problem, go catatonic at a public place (Leigh Library)
I could also combine things. I can try and stay hidden in a changing room overnight. If they find me, they'll find me half-dressed and staring into space. The melodrama and the chance of success of this plan appeals to me. I'd have to pick a place with a lot of changing rooms so the don't notice. (Primark)
In preparation for this I need to write an emergency info page, so they know something about what to do. I also feel that apart from my CAT scan at 4.45 on Wednesday, I would stay right away from everything and everyone. Peter knows my schedule. It's just like with my dad, I refuse to be where I should be.
I said I'd keep myself safe. I don't know how safe any of this makes me.
Issue 2: I feel like if I stop trying so hard, I'll die.
This has an element of fact in it. I have much more of a say than most people do. If I stop, in the long term, I would bring about my own demise much sooner. I would become very ill, very immobile. I would socially isolate myself. Whether I would die? I don't know. But I do know I wouldn't really feel like me any more. Giving up, being negative, these are alien traits to me. They are not something I identify with. So in a sense I'd be killed.
Issue 3: I feel like I could flick a switch in my head and totally disconnect from the world.
I've done this for short times before, but this would be prolonged.
So this is a real phenomenon. I can trigger the onset. I can't release myself from that state though. I would be divorced from the reality of every situation, good or bad, important or trivial. I couldn't help Peter find out where I am. I couldn't control what happened to me or where I was taken. It might be home, it might be hospital, I just couldn't say. I run the risk of missing my CAT scan. I would be completely free of any burdens of reality and existence. Instead of dying, where it's permanent, it's like a pause button. It would make everything so much easier for me.
Issue 4: I feel like all my energy right now comes from anger. Everything else has run dry.
I know this is true because only my anger-fuelled actions are effective. Everything based on anything else remains a thought. The only other actions I take are to try and get better. So I suppose it's not so true. But that was always the eternal conflict - the desire to thrive and the desire to overcome, in a way, is born of that anger. There is no acceptance that the problems should win. And there is, in contrast, the desire to quit. But that, too, is born of the same anger. That willful voice that says, "well, if you're that sure I'm evil and doing nothing but wrong and failing, why should I bother?" And that's more real than it ever has been before because I'm so tired. And because I've lost touch with future me.
Things the anger makes me want to do are mostly stubborn control plays.
- don't sleep
- don't go home
- don't eat
- don't take meds
- don't interact
- don't be found
It's all about passive resistance when active measures are out of my hands.
The thing is, active measure are not out of my hands, but my head is stuck in a past mental capacity, a time before active means became available to me. But certainly it means anything I do for long term progress is irrelevant. Anger is immediate. I nearly shouted at Lynne today.
Issue 5: Can't process or let go of bad stuff from past that I had supressed. Keep remembering new bad things.
Not really sure what to add to this.
Issue 6: Transference thing - James, Paul and things coming to an end, and the conversation that should have happened but never did.
It was really difficult to figure out how to word this. It's embarrassing and very personal and something I've never spoken about. I don't want James to go home panicking. I also don't want to give him a heads up so it's not a shocker on Thursday. But I also want not to give him the wrong idea. I get that my feelings for James are a reflection of my feelings for Paul, because they're so similar, and because I'm so vulnerable to understanding, support and validation. By mentioning the conversation that never happened, I'm hoping to prevent James going and discussing it with Paul.
I guess it would be important here to express what I am hoping to get out of this conversation.
One is that hiding the fact that you love someone for 5 years is not a good idea. Eventually you need to talk about it.
Another is that there's this issue of transference, which invalidates my feelings. There are a lot of questions. Can you love someone you only see one side of? How could you possibly tell the difference from inside it? It's like that one person who was kidnapped by a genuinely nice person. Would she, or anyone else, ever be convinced she wasn't just suffering from Stockholme syndrome? It's so dissmissive of a whole huge response that needs to be addressed based on the feelings that are there, without labels. And in the end, does it even matter what you call it? If I feel love in a situation where it is understandable but inappropriate, it needs addressing. I understanding transference better helps me, I should approach it that way. If it doesn't, it's irrelevant. Either way, I know that what I feel towards James is not a deep seated attachment. Is that because I can recognise what's happening better these days? Or because it is qualitatively different?
I'm also concerned because there was a right time and place to discuss what was happening with Paul. I didn't do that because I was dismissive of the label of transference. I don't know if it's a good idea to let that conversation go a second time. Even if it can't be with the right person, at least it can be with someone with insight.
And, I want to see if would be a) possible and b) a good idea to reconnect with Paul and talk to him directly. I felt like I could tell Paul absolutely anything, whereas I /will/ tell James absolutely anything but not without harbouring some embarassment.
Issue 7: Tired of life and why I feel like that
I have a whole page of notes from where I burst at someone and ranted. I am /so/ tired and /so/ fed up of living the way I do. When I think of reasons for living, the main one is the kids. But there are no reasons that are mine. I know we are connected in life by others we love. But it's not enough to drag myself through all of what my life contains just to fail to be dead for the kids.
After managing emotions group. I made a massive bullet point list of stuff I need to talk about. Then i picked out those things I starred and wrote a list of prioritised stuff I need to talk about.
He read it during the break today. Most of the things are about what I feel like. One of them is about transference. No explanation of the word. His whole expression and body language changed. He also couldn't read the word 'Paul'. Actually, I think he was using that as a little sneaky disguise for his reaction.
Stuff on my list:
Issue 1: Running away from home, don't feel safe there.
So I'm trying to find a way to resolve this issue. Not trying to find a way to make myself go home but finding a way to stay out all night tonight and tomorrow night. The following thoughts have so far occurred to me:
- going into a building that doesn't close (Manchester airport, Trafford Centre)
- going to a place that shuts late (pub/ club but it's a Tuesday night, Trafford centre) followed by somewhere that opens early, with an hour or two in the streets in the middle.
- stay somewhere after closing (hide in the toilets at the library)
- lock myself into a place I won't be found all night (public toilet, changing room)
- stay out somewhere (currently at the canal side)
- cause some problem, go catatonic at a public place (Leigh Library)
I could also combine things. I can try and stay hidden in a changing room overnight. If they find me, they'll find me half-dressed and staring into space. The melodrama and the chance of success of this plan appeals to me. I'd have to pick a place with a lot of changing rooms so the don't notice. (Primark)
In preparation for this I need to write an emergency info page, so they know something about what to do. I also feel that apart from my CAT scan at 4.45 on Wednesday, I would stay right away from everything and everyone. Peter knows my schedule. It's just like with my dad, I refuse to be where I should be.
I said I'd keep myself safe. I don't know how safe any of this makes me.
Issue 2: I feel like if I stop trying so hard, I'll die.
This has an element of fact in it. I have much more of a say than most people do. If I stop, in the long term, I would bring about my own demise much sooner. I would become very ill, very immobile. I would socially isolate myself. Whether I would die? I don't know. But I do know I wouldn't really feel like me any more. Giving up, being negative, these are alien traits to me. They are not something I identify with. So in a sense I'd be killed.
Issue 3: I feel like I could flick a switch in my head and totally disconnect from the world.
I've done this for short times before, but this would be prolonged.
So this is a real phenomenon. I can trigger the onset. I can't release myself from that state though. I would be divorced from the reality of every situation, good or bad, important or trivial. I couldn't help Peter find out where I am. I couldn't control what happened to me or where I was taken. It might be home, it might be hospital, I just couldn't say. I run the risk of missing my CAT scan. I would be completely free of any burdens of reality and existence. Instead of dying, where it's permanent, it's like a pause button. It would make everything so much easier for me.
Issue 4: I feel like all my energy right now comes from anger. Everything else has run dry.
I know this is true because only my anger-fuelled actions are effective. Everything based on anything else remains a thought. The only other actions I take are to try and get better. So I suppose it's not so true. But that was always the eternal conflict - the desire to thrive and the desire to overcome, in a way, is born of that anger. There is no acceptance that the problems should win. And there is, in contrast, the desire to quit. But that, too, is born of the same anger. That willful voice that says, "well, if you're that sure I'm evil and doing nothing but wrong and failing, why should I bother?" And that's more real than it ever has been before because I'm so tired. And because I've lost touch with future me.
Things the anger makes me want to do are mostly stubborn control plays.
- don't sleep
- don't go home
- don't eat
- don't take meds
- don't interact
- don't be found
It's all about passive resistance when active measures are out of my hands.
The thing is, active measure are not out of my hands, but my head is stuck in a past mental capacity, a time before active means became available to me. But certainly it means anything I do for long term progress is irrelevant. Anger is immediate. I nearly shouted at Lynne today.
Issue 5: Can't process or let go of bad stuff from past that I had supressed. Keep remembering new bad things.
Not really sure what to add to this.
Issue 6: Transference thing - James, Paul and things coming to an end, and the conversation that should have happened but never did.
It was really difficult to figure out how to word this. It's embarrassing and very personal and something I've never spoken about. I don't want James to go home panicking. I also don't want to give him a heads up so it's not a shocker on Thursday. But I also want not to give him the wrong idea. I get that my feelings for James are a reflection of my feelings for Paul, because they're so similar, and because I'm so vulnerable to understanding, support and validation. By mentioning the conversation that never happened, I'm hoping to prevent James going and discussing it with Paul.
I guess it would be important here to express what I am hoping to get out of this conversation.
One is that hiding the fact that you love someone for 5 years is not a good idea. Eventually you need to talk about it.
Another is that there's this issue of transference, which invalidates my feelings. There are a lot of questions. Can you love someone you only see one side of? How could you possibly tell the difference from inside it? It's like that one person who was kidnapped by a genuinely nice person. Would she, or anyone else, ever be convinced she wasn't just suffering from Stockholme syndrome? It's so dissmissive of a whole huge response that needs to be addressed based on the feelings that are there, without labels. And in the end, does it even matter what you call it? If I feel love in a situation where it is understandable but inappropriate, it needs addressing. I understanding transference better helps me, I should approach it that way. If it doesn't, it's irrelevant. Either way, I know that what I feel towards James is not a deep seated attachment. Is that because I can recognise what's happening better these days? Or because it is qualitatively different?
I'm also concerned because there was a right time and place to discuss what was happening with Paul. I didn't do that because I was dismissive of the label of transference. I don't know if it's a good idea to let that conversation go a second time. Even if it can't be with the right person, at least it can be with someone with insight.
And, I want to see if would be a) possible and b) a good idea to reconnect with Paul and talk to him directly. I felt like I could tell Paul absolutely anything, whereas I /will/ tell James absolutely anything but not without harbouring some embarassment.
Issue 7: Tired of life and why I feel like that
I have a whole page of notes from where I burst at someone and ranted. I am /so/ tired and /so/ fed up of living the way I do. When I think of reasons for living, the main one is the kids. But there are no reasons that are mine. I know we are connected in life by others we love. But it's not enough to drag myself through all of what my life contains just to fail to be dead for the kids.