I could not make this stuff up
So this morning I slept in, because I have been running a bit low on sleep for a few days.
I got up and boiled some water to wash the dishes.
Then I decided while the water was boiling to take care of some personal grooming. If you are under 30 years old, then avert your innocent eyes. if you are over 30, or near it, then you will get this. Being 35 I can attest that being in my thirties is not too bad. I feel grown up finally, and all that. But then there is facial hair. Oh, it's an embarrassing and delicate subject. There are hints in your twenties. Every nw and then you will spy a one inch long hair on your neck and think "where the blue fuck did that come from?" and you pluck it out and stare in horror and wonder who else saw it while it was growing to be one. inch. long?
Then you find a few, shorter, but still, it is more than one.
And eventually you may need to turn to waxing, or nair, or whatever. Being that I am pasty ass white with pasty ass hair, laser is no good for me. It is attracted to pigment, and uhh..i have none. So this morning I spread a lovely layer of nair over what we can call "my problem areas" which basically gave me a fine handlebar mustache and soul patch made of Nair. It did it's thing I washed it off.
Then I had a lovely IM chat with my best bud while doing a little weed whacking in the eyebrow area with some new tiny wax strips from Parissa. They worked fantastically, but they leave my skin ferociously red. And my eyebrows are pure white. And the nair leaves my skin red for a few hours after I use it. So I have crazy oompa loompa eyebrows and what looks like a rash in the shape of a 70s porno mustache.
When I see a dog in my yard, a big dog, a familiar dog....but it is free range. And pissing on every.thing.
And then I see the caretakers for the empty house next door pull in. I throw a sweater over my jammies and run out there to catch the people to let them know they need to check the basement for water damage. I pass them the info for contacting the city, I ask if they are family or a service and find out that, sadly, the lady next door has Alzheimer's and is unable to be on her own anymore and they will be getting the house ready for sale this summer. We discuss the damages from last summer, we make small talk.
The dog comes over to me and is clearly a complete sweetie of a dog. But she is big and I am scared. I go home, and she trots along next to me.
Living so close to a busy street i worry for her. Or I worry that some kids will taunt her and hurt her.
So I grabbed one of The Man's belts and a bowl of water and head back out and look for her. I see her up the street and she comes running as soon as I call "come here puppy!".
I slip the belt through her collar and then slip it over a shepherd's hook in my yard and give her the water. Then I call animal control on the cordless phone outside and it goes like this:
"Hi, I just caught and tethered a Siberian Husky in my yard and her tags are not legible to call her owners"
"You trapped a......Husky? Do you know whose dog this is?"
"Um, no...i know it lives in the neighborhood, but I don't know who her people are"
"how did you trap it?"
"I used my husband's belt and looped it though her collar and looped it over a tall plant hanger. Do you think it can be soon, she is scared and barking and I am terrified of dogs"
".....and you trapped a strange siberian husky?"
"Well, she was friendly and I didn't want her to get splattered on 76th street.."
"Well..uhh...ok, we will get someone on the way"
"thank you so much...wooof wooof wooooof WOOOOOOOF"
"Is that the dog, she sounds BIG"
"She is big, please hurry"
And I tried to go inside, but she was upset about being caught and Marge was mocking her from the picture window and she was jumping high enough I thought she would slip the belt over the hook and get away and get hurt. So I grabbed the only dog friendly food I have, my Boars Head rosemary ham, bought last night, and headed back out to bribe her until they got here. My neighbors came out and saw me and the man stayed out there with us and brought her some more water (she kept jumping and knocing over the bowl I brought out) and I think he kept me calm, while I kept her calm! Then a familiar neighbor lady pulled up and it was her dog. YAY! Then the dog catcher pulled up and everyone was happy that it ended well, even the dogs tags were up to date so they don't have a fine. YAY!
So I come in and call the alderman's office to let them know I have found the owner of the house and let them know so the aide does not have to track down the owner anymore since they were going to do that and update him on everything so far. He asks me to encourage my neighbors to please contact them about this since there is strength in numbers.
And then I see the not very friendly neighbor across the street and her adult sons. I know she won't call the city. But I also figure, it is free to ask, right? So I went out and did a little more rabble-rousing. I asked her son to call, he said he saw the water coming up from the drain himself. He said he would call. I truly hope that he does. I wrote down the sewer backup number and the alderman's name and the city website. And then I came home.
And realized that all of this talking to neighbors and dog catchers? Had been done with my crazy white eyebrows blazing out of my angry read face and my bizare porno stache shaped rash. And I smell like ham and panic sweat.
So I am going to boil some water and take a mock-shower now and go try to light my water heater again.
Enjoy this display of my dog catching skillz:
She was a sweetie and even a scaredy cat like me can admit she is gorgeous.