(no subject)
Confused. So unbelievably confused. No clue as to what I want out of this life, or this day for that matter. Time seems to pass quicker and more violently as the days grow colder. Friends. I miss my friends. I love Erin, Jess, Turk, and Rahul. They help to keep me sane, keep me from falling into the hole. Herrmann I've known longer than anyone else that's still around. I can relate very well with him on a number of levels while I don't care anything for the people and actions his life now revolves around. So, in a way, I'm left missing him too. Rahul's great. He's always there for me no matter the situation. But he's busy with his girlfriend often, understandable. His crowd I can do without as well. Erin's wonderful. I find myself spending most of my time with her. She makes me smile, laugh, and all around feel good about myself. But something's missing there. I can't place exactly what it is. A strange lack of emotion perhaps, dunno. Her company is very much enjoyed. Maybe I'm looking for a Chan, Paul, or Sami out of her. Large shoes to fill. We'll see what happens. There was a time when, to me, Jess was no more than an annoyance. I'm so thankful I've been given the opportunity to know and love who she really is. Her schedule leaves little time for the two of us to get together. She's overwhelmingly there for me, as I am for her. Her being very emotional she relates to my more human aspects. Another lost soul I wish to help her, to guide her. Unfortunately there's little I can do beside listen, have an open mind, and give her a shoulder to lean on. If I ever had an arch nemesis it was Nick Turkovich. To think that when I now look at him I see nearly a reflection of myself. He gives me the ability to vent intellectually. He see's the world just as I do. Which in our opinion is the right way and the rest of you are fools, another journal entry perhaps. Our difference can be summed up in one word, girls. As to where they fit in the grand scheme we have different views. But given my current circumstances hearing his views makes things flow a little easier. I very much enjoy hanging out with him because he shows me what's out there, gives me a release from this little world I've constructed. Unfortunately school and work grant him with little time to hang out. Then there are the likes of Kyle and Fuzz. It seems they've known me from birth. Both of them relate very well with me on just about every level. Fuzz now resides at exit 68 on the LIE and Kyle is busy being a grown up. This being said they might as well be away at college. I miss Sami. I miss her touch, her kiss, the true love we shared. More so I miss her companionship. I miss the long deep talks. I miss getting lost in her eyes. Fearful I was for quite some time, until she came home. After spending the weekend with her I developed this feeling in the heart of my chest that everything will be okay. I've come to an understanding and believe she feels nearly the same way I do. I know we'll always have a wonderful friendship and whatever's best will happen. That being said whatever's best to me is us going "out and about" and growing independently, meeting new people, living our lives, to find our first love was and is the best. A fairy tale? Perhaps. I, believing in logic and numbers, am not going to count on it. But having the strong heart I do filled with blood that has tasted true love will always yearn for it again, and yearn for Sami. As for now, or forever, our friendship is as powerful, loving, and magical as our more formal relationship was. School is good. I found this desire to learn, it's a wonderful thing. Unfortunately I previously fucked myself in the aspect of education so now I must learn at a slow pace with slow people. Given my current grades and my new found ability to score in the high 14's on SAT tests I look forward to getting out of here. Where do I go? Boston, where I know I have two best friends, great education, and the potential for true love? Or do I go off to California to bask in the sun and learn from some of the best science teachers in the world? Though I'm doubting I'll get in, MIT would obviously be the best for all matters. I'll just continue doing well and see who accepts me. More importantly why am I learning? What am I going to do when I "grow up?" I love physics. I have a problem solving ability that's damn near off the charts. Should I devote my life to science what will become of me? A recluse making 80 grand a year? I don't want that. I want to revolutionize the world. I want to contribute to our understanding of our universe. What irks me is that as "smrt" as I am there are other people out there with even bigger brains. I know it's a bad way to look at things. But if you have two people trying to figure out why some photons pass through glass and why some reflect off the surface, and one person has an IQ of 145 while the other is pushing 170, who do you think will figure it out? And not to sound greedy or selfish, but I want money. The best things in life are free, you can give them....to me, but I also want money, that's what I want. So what profession can guarantee a half mill a year, which might cut it? The medical field is the only thing that comes to mind. Yes the big money is in business, something I will pursue on my own, but that's more of lotto ticket. If you're a good doctor in the right specialty you can bring in 7 figures. I love people, love to help them, hear them, care for them, and learn about them. I could major in Physics to fulfill my desire for it then go to Medschool. Years later I'll be doing very well. Yet, nearly everyone I know tells me I'd make a great doctor but I wouldn't be happy, it's not worth the years of schooling, and it's not the same as it used to be. Hearing this I'm left back where I started. It's about time I get back to my reading, of course it's not what the physics teacher wants me reading, it's what he reads. A lot of help it will do for my test Thursday, but I'll manage. I'd love to hear comments on all this I've written for some reason I cannot find, probably because Rahul always told me to write. Please do not ask me what I meant by this or what I meant by that. Take it for what it is.