I'm pretty sure I just did something shitty...
[LJ ate my first entry - I suppose I deserve it.]
Today, there's a memorial service for veterans at the V.A., and that includes my Pap. I didn't go, and I feel like an asshole.
I know it's really selfish (trust me, after sitting here for about ten minutes, I've thought about. a lot.). I just didn't want to put myself in a situation that would suck so much. I just keep remembering the funeral; it was awful. I couldn't stand seeing people sit there and smile. I know they were remembering good things, but damnit, I couldn't do it. I was miserable. Every time someone told me to be happy, because he was in a better place, I just wanted to punch them in the face.
Anymore, I'm a really selfish person. I mean, it's not like I ever get what I want (yes, I'm practically begging for pity here) but I am selfish inside. I don't necessarily do anything selfish, but the thoughts are constantly there.
and...
And the shittiest part of it all, is that even though I feel horribly guilty about the memorial service,
all I can think about is him.
I fucked things up with him even more than I did today.
I'm to the point where I don't know what to do.
Well, that's a lie, even.
I know that I have to talk to him,
but I don't think he'll give me that chance.
And honestly,
it's understandable.
But,
it's been over eight months.
I miss him.
I know I fucked up.
But I'm sorry.
I've known it since about February,
maybe a little before:
I fucking love him.
I always have,
and I'm always going to.
I was just too stupid to see it.
And now I'm not sure if it even matters.