When one thing gets better the other gets worse...
I'm 'dangerous eating' again...
I went on a 1,250 calorie or less diet recently...
but it's starting to be less a lot less...
like 700 - 800 cals a day.
It's obvious that I'm getting results and it makes me want to lose more faster.
It wasn't bad. So I would skip a meal or two for a few days or have a liquid only day once or twice a week, no bid deal, right?
It wasn't until I had a breakfast that totaled at 680 calories and I ended up drinking lots and lots of water to then force myself to purge it all only to binge eat a bag of peanut butter M&M's in frustrated tears in mind boggling paranoia over how this one bag of M&M's will undo everything I have 'worked so hard for' and I might as well die. That I realized that I'm back to my old ways.
It's a defense mechanism. Being hungry and 'overpowering it' is a very heady sensation. Feeling hungry means I'm stronger than my body's impulses. Feeling full... hell, feeling 'not hungry' is disgusting. It makes me want to get it all out of me. I hate it.
I'm using my ED as a way of dealing, no not dealing, distracting myself from other problems.
I want to tell my psycologist about it... but I know I won't.
I went on a 1,250 calorie or less diet recently...
but it's starting to be less a lot less...
like 700 - 800 cals a day.
It's obvious that I'm getting results and it makes me want to lose more faster.
It wasn't bad. So I would skip a meal or two for a few days or have a liquid only day once or twice a week, no bid deal, right?
It wasn't until I had a breakfast that totaled at 680 calories and I ended up drinking lots and lots of water to then force myself to purge it all only to binge eat a bag of peanut butter M&M's in frustrated tears in mind boggling paranoia over how this one bag of M&M's will undo everything I have 'worked so hard for' and I might as well die. That I realized that I'm back to my old ways.
It's a defense mechanism. Being hungry and 'overpowering it' is a very heady sensation. Feeling hungry means I'm stronger than my body's impulses. Feeling full... hell, feeling 'not hungry' is disgusting. It makes me want to get it all out of me. I hate it.
I'm using my ED as a way of dealing, no not dealing, distracting myself from other problems.
I want to tell my psycologist about it... but I know I won't.