Ends..
It's been a while coming..
but I'm at the end.
This journal holds too much of my past for me to delete it, but it holds too much for me to be happy continuing using it. Just going to a private entry that I did about a month and a half back to reference some pictures the other night showed me how much I just couldn't read my own journal any more, going past posts asking for help with my cutting, lying through my teeth about not remembering the train incident because I didn't want to admit that nevecat (or sea_of_flame as she prefers to be these days) had actually driven me to the point where I wanted to die.
Am I angry... yes
Am I bitter...yes
do I consider that unreasonable... no!
Her refusal/inability to deal with an issue from her past, lead another human being to cutting themselves, lead another human being to trying to get themselves killed. Yes, this person was me so I'm probably a bit more touchy about it than some people would be, but even if it had been someone else I'd have thought it was...hmm....what was that phrase... "just not cricket", for someone who claims to want the "greater good" she's done a fantastic impression of someone who just doesn't give a fuck. But there ya go.
This is the last time I will speak of this on here.
2005 has become "my year" in many many ways, things are falling into place for me left right and center. Things are too good for me to waste time looking back.
Part of my new year (and yes, I KNOW it's long after new year, but Thursday is chinese new year so I can still claim "new year") and my new start, is me trying to stop doing the angsty thing. So I'm walking away, tonight.. Pure_Simon goes byebye. I'm keeping it so that at some point I can come back and look over stuff if I want to.
Pure_Simon dies tonight
The paths that I once tread
Have all but gone
Only embers now
smoulder
Where bridges once burned
I feel alive and yet I fear
What may happen now
I know I can't return
And I hear me say
again 'Oh let me not return'
Damn the illusions of redemption
And
the hopes that held me here
I will oppose all that would befall me
With
this rage inside of me
I'll defy what I would become
This solitude
and anger
That do battle inside of me
Will always guide me to the
answers
That I know I may not see
They are the bonds that hold me
tighter
They are the chains that weigh on me
One day, I know they will
become
Can I start again
And erase this pain
By casting doubts
into the waters
Asking judgement of the sea
Though fortune, you
guide the fools
I have no wish to be free
Until I am gone
4th June 2001 - 6th February 2005
Nearly 4 years all told, thats a long long time.
I hope one day I'll look back over them and not think of them what I do now.
but I'm at the end.
This journal holds too much of my past for me to delete it, but it holds too much for me to be happy continuing using it. Just going to a private entry that I did about a month and a half back to reference some pictures the other night showed me how much I just couldn't read my own journal any more, going past posts asking for help with my cutting, lying through my teeth about not remembering the train incident because I didn't want to admit that nevecat (or sea_of_flame as she prefers to be these days) had actually driven me to the point where I wanted to die.
Am I angry... yes
Am I bitter...yes
do I consider that unreasonable... no!
Her refusal/inability to deal with an issue from her past, lead another human being to cutting themselves, lead another human being to trying to get themselves killed. Yes, this person was me so I'm probably a bit more touchy about it than some people would be, but even if it had been someone else I'd have thought it was...hmm....what was that phrase... "just not cricket", for someone who claims to want the "greater good" she's done a fantastic impression of someone who just doesn't give a fuck. But there ya go.
This is the last time I will speak of this on here.
2005 has become "my year" in many many ways, things are falling into place for me left right and center. Things are too good for me to waste time looking back.
Part of my new year (and yes, I KNOW it's long after new year, but Thursday is chinese new year so I can still claim "new year") and my new start, is me trying to stop doing the angsty thing. So I'm walking away, tonight.. Pure_Simon goes byebye. I'm keeping it so that at some point I can come back and look over stuff if I want to.
Pure_Simon dies tonight
The paths that I once tread
Have all but gone
Only embers now
smoulder
Where bridges once burned
I feel alive and yet I fear
What may happen now
I know I can't return
And I hear me say
again 'Oh let me not return'
Damn the illusions of redemption
And
the hopes that held me here
I will oppose all that would befall me
With
this rage inside of me
I'll defy what I would become
This solitude
and anger
That do battle inside of me
Will always guide me to the
answers
That I know I may not see
They are the bonds that hold me
tighter
They are the chains that weigh on me
One day, I know they will
become
Can I start again
And erase this pain
By casting doubts
into the waters
Asking judgement of the sea
Though fortune, you
guide the fools
I have no wish to be free
Until I am gone
4th June 2001 - 6th February 2005
Nearly 4 years all told, thats a long long time.
I hope one day I'll look back over them and not think of them what I do now.