im not ok
for once. i am not denying myself to feel hurt. im not ok. but it feels so great to finally feel what ive been depriving myself of for so long. and that simply is feeling. shutting up and shutting out what you are supposed to be feeling is no longer an option. i am not ok. and its the most bittersweet moment. no longer shutting off what i feel. no longer fighting back feelings. no more stone cold silence. just the first feeling of understanding to fully let your emotions and heart to lead me in confidence. and its now beyond the point that im not ok. it doesnt matter that i feel bad. it doesnt matter that i feel crushed and hurt and amazed and astonished and so proud. beceause i can truly feel this is the first time. and it doesnt matter any situations before this time nor does any feelings or thoughts that i have so struggled to let leave my inside. and now that time bomb is no longer in exstistance and it feels. its never the point in a heart break or when hopes are crushed that that action has physically taken place, nor does that drive us to care about the matter. yet it is the feeling that compells us to forever move on and care and feel and understand. and if you cant understand my situation then you can understand this. you have to feel the emotions in your stomach that twisting and turning that torments you or makes you feel wonderful. you can comprehend any sitution to one of your own and relate back to me through a feeling you once may have only slightly discovered. the mistakes in your past can be brought to reconsilation through anyone else mistakes of the present and you can truly sympathsize and understand what it is like to feel how the other feels. you can never sympathsize with anyone through just listening, yet you must relive this feeling through your past and relive their journey to get to the state you feel at the present. and only if and when you realize that this feeling allows you to relate with anyone in any situation that you can truly understand my case of how it feels to feel for the first time. and then you realize that a situation is not defined by how much you can mentally understand but how much your heart and your caring feels. and then the cycle continues allowing you to comprehend that even if i murdered a person it does not matter what the details of what is cauising my pain entail, because that does not matter, yet what matters is that you now recognize that i am not ok, nor will i be for a long time and sympathy without any understanding will neither help or comfort anyone in the same situation. and feeling will get me through anything.a dn niether you nor the next person understand until you can feel through actions what anyone like me feels. and then i will and everyone around me in the same situations be truly and simply: OK.