why cant i go back and change my words?

[pure_imaginatin]

im so tired of this. i like him! and its taken me this long to realize it.. oh well right? my loss? no, i should be thinking his loss, not my problem, right? well im not.. i really want him.. and i have no reason for it.. because i kept it to myself.. because i was afraid for him, knowing the type of gilr i am, and what i do to boys.. i just thaught he didnt need my bullshit.. no one really needs my stupidness. i feel really bad for what i did to Richard.. and Dan, and Josh.. its not like i cheat.. but i just get bored of my boys, or i pick them apart, with the tiniest thing i dont like about them.. but in the long run.. im the one who feels the pain.. i can remeber the first time i was rejected.. Greg Grovo.. haha.. he was awesome.. and i really liked him.. but he changed his mind abou tme.. like i do with my boyfriends.. and i felt my first does of RejectionByMe.. and i didnt like it.. wich means no one likes it.. so i dont know why i still do it.. its not fun for them.. i think i get some sick pleasure out of teasing and messing with boys.. its mean i know.. but making them want and crave me more, i guess i like that.. i kinda wish i could change who i am.. just for a day, or a week, or a lifetime.. and see if i would be any happier.. actualy staying and being with that one person.. instead of leaving them on thier back and naked, while im smoking a ciggarette.. and then to have me come back again.. i just can never make up my mind.. im too scared of what people will think about me.. being with them.. or them being with me.. if they laugh, becuz thier prettier than me.. or if they point and sneer because there jealous that i found him first.. well im now feeling that kind of pain.. where it phyicaly hurts to be unloved.. when you know that your just that far away from having what you want.. and i wish i guts.. something to back me up.. i dont have very much self confidence.. so i would never go for what i wanted anyways.. so i guess this is all my fault.. i have no one but myself to blame.. i cant blame him, or my mom, or anyone fore making me so sad.. only me.. for being stupid.. for being ashamed.. for being me.. i cant go back and change anything.. all i can do , is work with what i gave myself.. i need to fix what ive done.. and i dont know how.. i wish i could apologize.. to everyone.. for being a bitch... for saying the things that i did.. for all the pain i inflicted.. but i cant. no one knows how i feel right now.. i feel lower than dirt.. maybe its because shes beautifull.. and im not.. maybe its because i cant handle the pain? no.. its because im a total moron.. no wonder no one loves me.. im really immature.. i dont know whats going on half the time.. i cant see what i have until its gone.. and i know its only human to miss what i had.. but i cant help but feel that ill never have anything ever again.. because the last one, planted a warrning.. a warrning for other guys, so they can all now what i do, what i am, and that im what they dont want.. its a little device, quite petrude and honest.. an ugly sign painted on thier forehead, to warn you all what she is..

should i change who i am? should i try and be someone totaly different? so that way i can have atrificial love at my hand? can i just change who i am? keep my mouth shut, be shy and cute.. giggle sliently? or should i change the way i dress? then will he want me? Should i dye my hair and buy pink make-up, paint my nails red and wear skimpy shirts? or should i saty the way i am? would he want me if i still wore black and listened to rock? would he want me if i sopke outload, didnt own a secret? if i was open and bold? could he want me? even if he tried? would his heart be stuck to the wall of another girl? even if i changed who i am just to have that last chance?

Do i even want a chance? or am i just reaching out to the closest warm touch?