How to be good at dirty talk
Lessons I'm sure I'll never have reason to teach anyone, but which are cool to be *qualified* at teaching:
I'm awesome at this now. Whenever someone wants it, over the phone, in their ear, in text-messages, I jump right in and enjoy the hell out of myself, and it's always well-received. But I hear from many people that they find it stressful, intimidating or difficult.
But I wasn't always awesome at it; I had to learn. So maybe I can help those who want to do it but find it tricky.
(Put behind a mercy cut for those who don't care for these kind of topics.)
Step one: Focus on wanting to.
So you want to talk dirty to someone, either because you find it sexy, or they do and you want to turn them on. Great! But it can be easy to get too focused on the jitters you feel over doing it, and lose track of the feeling of wanting to. _Focus on wanting to_. Let yourself be excited. When you feel a thrill, let it make you smile. This is fun stuff, even if it's difficult, and just like downhill skiing or any other tricky-but-fun activity, you'll do it a lot better if you focus on the fact that it's fun, and that it feels good at times.
If it really isn't fun and you really seriously hate it to your bones and have no desire to do it for someone, then you should just let them know that dirty-talk is off the table for you, and not one of those sexy-things you're willing to do. We all have those things, and part of having a sexy relationship with someone is negotiating what things you are and aren't willing to do for each other. If you actually hate talking dirty so much that it ruins sexy-time for you and you just don't find the agony of it worth pleasing a partner, just opt out. Opting out of some things is both allowed and expected!
But let's assume that you either like it (or could grow to like it, like I did), or that it isn't onerous enough to refuse doing because it excites your partner. If that's the case, focus on what you do like, on either your own excitement or your partner's. Keep that in mind, and at the center of things, while you do it.
Step Two: Open your mouth
This is a difficult step! Often you'll decide what to say and then you choke, and your mouth (or hands) just won't do it. Be prepared for this, and when it happens, push through it. Lean your shoulder against it and give it one big shove - _force_ something out, even if it doesn't come out right at first. This is like shoving off the top of the hill, that breathless moment before you go flying down on your skiis: You've just got to take a deep breath and GO!
Once you take the first step, say the first word, it's much easier to continue. If you choke up frequently at the last minute - I do - then it can help to have one word or noise or thing you do first, like an opening signal in a telegram or electronic communication. I usually say, "Hey." whenever my throat closes from sudden nerves and doesn't want to let something out. Once I've choked out (or typed) "Hey," it's much easier to say the next thing.
Step three: Say what you want.
If the person you're talking to really wants to hear about a certain thing, start there; but more often it seems that someone doesn't have a specific thing in mind, they just want you to be sexy at them. "Well, what do I say??" you think. The answer is, think of what YOU find sexy, and say that. We all have fantasties. If you're having any kind of sexy-contact with someone, you probably have a clue which of your fantasies they'll probably like, but even if not, just pick one that seems like a good bet and go with that. Your personal fantasies are your store of material.
How do you access that material? Try finishing sentences like these:
"Here's something I'd like to do to/with you one day…"
"I have a fantasy that…"
"I find it incredibly hot when [X]. It makes me feel [Y]…"
"I love it when you…"
"You have the most gorgeous [X]…"
I also, because I like to write, will often spontaneously come up with wild stories, saucy poems, ribald songs, x-rated haiku; even, for some partners, cryptography that solves into steamy suggestions for later. These have all been generally well-received. There's a lot more room for creativity and playing-around than you may think - this is sexy-time, and there are as many ways to talk about it as there are to have it! (Maybe even more.)
Step Four: Use any old words at all.
Don't get hung up on HOW you say what you say - it really doesn't matter. Use your own voice, your own words, and your own phrasing - whether that sounds straight out of a porno or like something Kurt Vonnegut threw away. It's easy to get hung up on "does this sound right?" and "which word should I use here?". But the person you're sexying almost certainly doesn't care: What they want is to hear YOU saying sexy-things, and the ways in which it sounds like YOU will be very welcome.
For my part, I tend to choose odd words and use weird metaphors - I can barely answer "hey, how are you doing?" with anything that sounds like normal small-talk, so of course I found requests to (I thought) repeat the same phrases I heard in x-rated movies and such nearly impossible. But then I discovered that, if someone's into *me*, they're probably already geeked about my weird phrasings, and my using them in bedroom situations was nothing but a bonus. Similarly, if you've got the porno-thing down or tend to do it naturally, someone who's into your sexy-self is probably going to like that. (And if they really don't, or also want something different from time to time, they'll probably tell you, and then you can take your down-time and work up some things to say that "sound right". Though in all honesty I've only had that happen once - someone wanted me to sound more like a porn-chick - and it turned out we weren't really compatible anyway, so it didn't get far.)
When it comes to talking sexy, the fact that there's a *person* talking sexy, and that that person is you, is part of what makes it intimate and exciting and awesome; so don't be afraid to just sound like you. If you swear, swear. If you use Internet slang, go for it. If you like flowery poetry, go nuts. If you like ALL of those things at different times, feel free to change it up. Your partner will almost certainly love it.
Originally published at *Transcendental *Logic. You can comment here or there.