(no subject)
kinda feeling like im nothing right now...i want to get my life back...but im not sure that i every really had it in the first place...im just so confused. i feel like ive made so many bad choices in my past, well, i have made bad choices....but idk if the ones that i think were bad really were bad, same goes for good choices...idk. im just all messed up and confused. i havent cried in a while...though i feel lik it often enough....especially right now. im looking back at what i had and how much of that i have lost or taken for granted...it is truely my own stupidity that has undone all that i had hoped for. my own lack of self control...i want these things to happen, but i expect them to happen without me doing anything...i just expect to be able to sit up in my room and watch my life form around me, i expect to open a book one day and read the true meaning of life....but that isnt how it is. thats never how it is. i have to work for what i want...i have to try. its the same thing as in theatre...i have to get up on stage to even get a part. i have to memorize the lines to show that i want to be in the show, i have to work so that i can be good enough to get the part. then, even if i dont get what i want, ill still get something. i will still be able to look back and smile, because i tried...but i have no encouragement...i see no reason to try. ive never had a goal that is real enough for me to reach. im not born into the world i want either...i have to make my own way...but i have to find out who i am before i start to make my life happen. i have to choose the tool i want to use before i go making a path in uncharted territory. i have to fucking try.
but why, oh WHY must i start out like this? can i please go back to when i was ten, or twelve, just starting out....so i can make the journey properly like the rest of my friends have...i feel like im a little kid, because i have no idea what i want, what i can do, what i want to learn to do, who i am, who i want to be, where i want to go, who i want to be here with...well, the last one i know. but the others...shit, man. i dont know. im going to go think about this...mebe when i get home ill burn a nice fat thing of incense and ill meditate...but that would make me even more sad...
why is it that i am supposed to think about what is on my mind when it is the thinking that is making my mind so confused?
whatever. im gonna go listen to my cds and read...postponing yet more homework and yet more thinking...whatever. i dont give a fuck. even though i should. even though i KNOW i should. even though, knowing that, i still am not going to do it, because im a stubborn little cunt who needs to die...fuck.
by some masochistic reasoning
i think it will be fun
SO SHOOT ME WITH YOUR GUN
but why, oh WHY must i start out like this? can i please go back to when i was ten, or twelve, just starting out....so i can make the journey properly like the rest of my friends have...i feel like im a little kid, because i have no idea what i want, what i can do, what i want to learn to do, who i am, who i want to be, where i want to go, who i want to be here with...well, the last one i know. but the others...shit, man. i dont know. im going to go think about this...mebe when i get home ill burn a nice fat thing of incense and ill meditate...but that would make me even more sad...
why is it that i am supposed to think about what is on my mind when it is the thinking that is making my mind so confused?
whatever. im gonna go listen to my cds and read...postponing yet more homework and yet more thinking...whatever. i dont give a fuck. even though i should. even though i KNOW i should. even though, knowing that, i still am not going to do it, because im a stubborn little cunt who needs to die...fuck.
by some masochistic reasoning
i think it will be fun
SO SHOOT ME WITH YOUR GUN