Third time's the something
I've removed a couple of recent entries because, well honestly, because I'm tired of saying the same things without getting anywhere. I wouldn't even make the mention, but there were comments on one of them, and I wanted to give explanation for why there's just a blank space before this entry.
I've decided I'm going to Archon this year. Yeah, now that it's way too late to buy a badge on the cheap, let alone even consider getting a room for the weekend. Well, I was quite sincere about possibly quitting it before, and I didn't want to throw away decent money. Hell for a while, I really was quite sincere about wanting to leave St Louis behind completely. But, anyway, I'm going. I deserve the break from life, and it's the only thing of that size around my birthday to go to. I expect to do a lot more of the nerdy artsy things and a lot less of the partying, socializing with people from my past thing. Some of the people from my past belong there, and some people from my past just refuse to be anywhere else, and that's their loss. I'm done with trying to fix broken. Besides, I take a lot of joy out of costuming, and it makes me feel good when people enjoy the finished product.
I'm thinking about stopping the whole vegetarain thing. I mean, I've been doing it for months now, and I just don't feel like I'm gaining any -real- ground with it. At first it was exciting, because I was losing weight and getting to eat forbidden foods and hey, who ever pictured me as a vegetarian? I freaking love eating meat. But, that's just it. I freaking love eating meat. The excitement of the new diet gave way to monotony and being bored with my food to the point that I would either skip eating and just stay hungry --which sounds good for a diet, but makes me so emotional (depressed/angry/irritable, whatever) you'd think I was pregnant, or eat just such god-awful for me foods, that the diet really wasn't netting me any weight-loss. I ate deep-fried something for supper 5 days out of the last 8. That's not a diet. That's junk. And my scale has been showing me the results appropriately. :( Which is the other reason I'm considering going off it; since I'm just eating horribly anyway, I'm not losing anything, which makes the whole thing just a needless sacrifice of something I really enjoy..
One thing I wanted to make a note of here, even tho I already talked at length about the subject just a couple of posts back.. One of the websites I regularly went to had a massive revamp, and pretty much went down the shitter doing so. So, I've been checking out alternatives, looking for something that met the needs that it used to, and stumbled across one which a futurama thread where someone had posted, in the wrong thread, mind you, explaining how hurtful the situation was when an ex killed himself, and his family drug him back up "to the midwest" for the funeral. Through her post, it became apparent that the ex she had lost was none other than Xast, who has been on my mind even still. I don't care if it has been a year and a half since he left all of us; I still just can't get past the grief I feel. I signed up to the site just confirm that she was in fact talking about him, and she was. Complete coincidence, but those were still some pretty small odds, considering.
Now, I want to contact her, to dredge up her pain again, so I can try a bit more to deal with mine, but I don't know how, and I doubt it's in any way appropriate (esp considering I haven't heard from her since confirming that he was one and the same). He's such a touchy subject here that I've already seen friends split up just for bringing up his name, and so I don't. But, I need something. He's never going to be around to help me deal, and I've been a year and a half into trying to do it, myself. I just wasn't built for grief. You'd think I'd have learned to be good at it by now (and I am --when it doesn't involve my own).
So, anyway.. Yeah, prolly going to archon, prolly going to start eating meat again, still a fat bastard either way. :P At least tomorrow's still a whole new day.
I've decided I'm going to Archon this year. Yeah, now that it's way too late to buy a badge on the cheap, let alone even consider getting a room for the weekend. Well, I was quite sincere about possibly quitting it before, and I didn't want to throw away decent money. Hell for a while, I really was quite sincere about wanting to leave St Louis behind completely. But, anyway, I'm going. I deserve the break from life, and it's the only thing of that size around my birthday to go to. I expect to do a lot more of the nerdy artsy things and a lot less of the partying, socializing with people from my past thing. Some of the people from my past belong there, and some people from my past just refuse to be anywhere else, and that's their loss. I'm done with trying to fix broken. Besides, I take a lot of joy out of costuming, and it makes me feel good when people enjoy the finished product.
I'm thinking about stopping the whole vegetarain thing. I mean, I've been doing it for months now, and I just don't feel like I'm gaining any -real- ground with it. At first it was exciting, because I was losing weight and getting to eat forbidden foods and hey, who ever pictured me as a vegetarian? I freaking love eating meat. But, that's just it. I freaking love eating meat. The excitement of the new diet gave way to monotony and being bored with my food to the point that I would either skip eating and just stay hungry --which sounds good for a diet, but makes me so emotional (depressed/angry/irritable, whatever) you'd think I was pregnant, or eat just such god-awful for me foods, that the diet really wasn't netting me any weight-loss. I ate deep-fried something for supper 5 days out of the last 8. That's not a diet. That's junk. And my scale has been showing me the results appropriately. :( Which is the other reason I'm considering going off it; since I'm just eating horribly anyway, I'm not losing anything, which makes the whole thing just a needless sacrifice of something I really enjoy..
One thing I wanted to make a note of here, even tho I already talked at length about the subject just a couple of posts back.. One of the websites I regularly went to had a massive revamp, and pretty much went down the shitter doing so. So, I've been checking out alternatives, looking for something that met the needs that it used to, and stumbled across one which a futurama thread where someone had posted, in the wrong thread, mind you, explaining how hurtful the situation was when an ex killed himself, and his family drug him back up "to the midwest" for the funeral. Through her post, it became apparent that the ex she had lost was none other than Xast, who has been on my mind even still. I don't care if it has been a year and a half since he left all of us; I still just can't get past the grief I feel. I signed up to the site just confirm that she was in fact talking about him, and she was. Complete coincidence, but those were still some pretty small odds, considering.
Now, I want to contact her, to dredge up her pain again, so I can try a bit more to deal with mine, but I don't know how, and I doubt it's in any way appropriate (esp considering I haven't heard from her since confirming that he was one and the same). He's such a touchy subject here that I've already seen friends split up just for bringing up his name, and so I don't. But, I need something. He's never going to be around to help me deal, and I've been a year and a half into trying to do it, myself. I just wasn't built for grief. You'd think I'd have learned to be good at it by now (and I am --when it doesn't involve my own).
So, anyway.. Yeah, prolly going to archon, prolly going to start eating meat again, still a fat bastard either way. :P At least tomorrow's still a whole new day.