(no subject)
I know that I've said this before, but this post beckons a repeat for emphasis.. I sincerely try not to censor myself here. I may not use real names, but those that know me in rl can usually figure out who's who fairly easily. This is my place to speak my mind and to put my thoughts before me so that I can see them, myself, above all other reasons. That said, I will also not tell a person "you can't read here". This is a publicly accessed site, and to pretend otherwise is not only of poor thought, it's kind of a jerk thing to do. Besides, my opinion is that if you make it available for someone to read, you can't really deny the possibility that part of you, however deep down, kinda wants them to be enlightened.. If you don't, there is an option to make a post or posts friends-only or private, and I do use both. Anyway, all that being said, the later half of this entry is about subject(s) and thoughts that may upset/disrespect people I know in rl, and if you're stumbling across my journal, it's very much read at your own risk.
I loved Too-young-for-me girl. I did. I thought about her constantly. First thing in the morning, last thing at night, as they say. She "fit" me. I know no other way to say it. I miss her to no end. When her mother passed, the first, strictly instinctual thought to go through my head was "now our kid won't get to know their grandma".
I loved Oregon girl, too. She wasn't "just" fun and something to do. She cheered me up. She made me happy. Truly. I spent every single day with her while we were together (and spoke to her every single day before then). No exception. Just me and her and the way she'd give that quiet "yaaay.." and smile. :) I loved both of them. I wanted to be with them. I wanted them. I was attracted to them to a level that few others in my life reached. I loved them. The way you love any "real" girlfriend. I would have married either of them, and not even have hesitated at what I'd be living behind..
Things are different with [unnamed]. It's not like when you're with a girlfriend and you love them and you want to be with them. It's not like when you're attracted to someone and you're infatuated with them and you just want to do everything you can to increase the bond you have with that person, to give them a better role in your life.. With her, it's like.. Like visiting your family on Thanksgiving. Like putting on your favorite movie and just forgetting how it ends for a while.. There's no want to increase that bond because it's already nice and thick and always there to depend on. There's no trying to get to know her better or trying to get her to be a bigger part of your life; I already know everything about her-- good, bad, and otherwise. Ditto her about me. It's not even about being attracted to her or not. I'm quite certain she'd remember my body just as well as I remember hers. Attraction, infatuation, lust.. They aren't even needed. It's not a bad thing, quite the contrary, which is my point in posting this. Yes, I do love her, very much so. My problem is I don't know how to tell her why, or if I should, or even if I'd want to. To say nothing about things like "when" or "what happens after". It's scary, scary as life, and scary is something she's always had a real problem with (and something I have a problem with jumping the gun on, way too soon).
I finally figured out just how I feel, and I've been through enough life that I finally, sincerely, feel I know the difference between [unnamed] and the others, including relationships I've had with her, herself, in the past.. I don't love her the way a guy loves a girlfriend... I don't. I love her the way a man loves his wife..
I loved Too-young-for-me girl. I did. I thought about her constantly. First thing in the morning, last thing at night, as they say. She "fit" me. I know no other way to say it. I miss her to no end. When her mother passed, the first, strictly instinctual thought to go through my head was "now our kid won't get to know their grandma".
I loved Oregon girl, too. She wasn't "just" fun and something to do. She cheered me up. She made me happy. Truly. I spent every single day with her while we were together (and spoke to her every single day before then). No exception. Just me and her and the way she'd give that quiet "yaaay.." and smile. :) I loved both of them. I wanted to be with them. I wanted them. I was attracted to them to a level that few others in my life reached. I loved them. The way you love any "real" girlfriend. I would have married either of them, and not even have hesitated at what I'd be living behind..
Things are different with [unnamed]. It's not like when you're with a girlfriend and you love them and you want to be with them. It's not like when you're attracted to someone and you're infatuated with them and you just want to do everything you can to increase the bond you have with that person, to give them a better role in your life.. With her, it's like.. Like visiting your family on Thanksgiving. Like putting on your favorite movie and just forgetting how it ends for a while.. There's no want to increase that bond because it's already nice and thick and always there to depend on. There's no trying to get to know her better or trying to get her to be a bigger part of your life; I already know everything about her-- good, bad, and otherwise. Ditto her about me. It's not even about being attracted to her or not. I'm quite certain she'd remember my body just as well as I remember hers. Attraction, infatuation, lust.. They aren't even needed. It's not a bad thing, quite the contrary, which is my point in posting this. Yes, I do love her, very much so. My problem is I don't know how to tell her why, or if I should, or even if I'd want to. To say nothing about things like "when" or "what happens after". It's scary, scary as life, and scary is something she's always had a real problem with (and something I have a problem with jumping the gun on, way too soon).
I finally figured out just how I feel, and I've been through enough life that I finally, sincerely, feel I know the difference between [unnamed] and the others, including relationships I've had with her, herself, in the past.. I don't love her the way a guy loves a girlfriend... I don't. I love her the way a man loves his wife..