moar phantom
Instead of sleeping, I am listening to the Phantom sequel for the fifth time. There is something wrong with me. So of course, I'm on here to share thoughts/spoilers/other sarcastic comments about the show.
SO basically, it opens exactly the same way the first one does. People reminiscing about how awesome life was and how sad it is that the Opera House freak show is no longer in operation. And guess what!! Madame Giry's there! (Recurring theme?) There's even crazy-fun and catchy music that plays when things probably turn into a flashback. No way.
Apparently, the Phantom now runs a freak show in Coney Island, which totally makes sense. Because it's not like he was humiliated in one as a child and then forever scarred for life or anything... (pun intended) So yeah, definitely probable that he would turn his worst nightmare into a career. And apparently everyone knows about him and how he wears a mask, but nobody seems to care. Yay? Also, Meg's a star dancer and part-time whore. I'm pretty sure Madame Giry's her pimp and everything. She's even got a troupe of annoying, simpering backup dancers. And I think she's in love with the Phantom too. Issues much?
Obviously, we can't be without the lovely Christine and the dashing Raoul for too long, right? Nine songs in and we finally get to see them! Christine was hired by the Phantom to sing at Phantasma (and neither she nor Raoul noticed the GLARINGLY OBVIOUS fact that it was the Phantom) so they appear at Coney Island too! And guess what... there's a child involved! Gustave is their son, and Christine loves him lots. And Raoul doesn't. Like, at all. He's basically using Christine as a meal ticket and a way to pay off his gambling/drinking debt and he may or may not beat one or both of them. Which TOTALLY MAKES SENSE.
About five seconds after arriving, Christine runs into Meg and Raoul runs into Madame Giry. They get all excited until the Girys realize that Christine is there to sing. They get pissed and we get a sarcastic song about friendship and how they all secretly hate each other now. And Raoul's angry some more. Then Christine practices her song and doesn't notice the even more glaringly obvious fact that the Phantom wrote it. So there's a bunch of HOMG HOW DARE YOOO and then the Phantom's like, "remember that time we totally had sex?" And then they sing a seven minute song about how they had sex twice in one night and how awesome it was. It's seriously the most awkward song ever.
Then there's more singing and Gustave wakes up and is like, "Mommy I can't swim!" And then later the Phantom kidnaps Gustave and comes to the amazing revelation that LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER. It's the piano's fault. No seriously, blame the piano. So then the Phantom sings the best song on the entire album to his son and it's extremely creepy because it's the kind of song he could sing to anyone and it would still make sense. So, basically, at times it sounds like he's seducing his ten year old son, but it's fucking FANTASTIC. But then OH NOES he takes off his mask. But it's okay because Christine magically appears, makes Gustave leave, and sings with the Phantom some more. During the course of the song, the Phantom writes his will and I am totally not kidding.
And this is when you get your pee break. When your bladder is empty, you'll get to see depressed-and-brooding!Raoul in a bar, and he has TOTALLY NOT BEEN DRINKING ALL NIGHT. No way. The night shift barman leaves and the morning shift Phantom barman comes in and takes over. Meg comes in, makes snarky comments about how Raoul's life sucks and alludes to being a whore. Then she runs away. So basically, her appearance in this scene made no sense, it was just there to guilt-trip Raoul, who we don't feel bad for because he's BAD WIFE-BEATING Raoul instead of I HAVE FUNNY SIDEBURNS AND FLOPPY HAIR Raoul. The Phantom finally decides to tell Raoul that he's the barman, and then he's like, "Christine likes me better," and Raoul's like, "nuh-uh," and the Phantom's like, "uh-huh," and this continues, in song form, for quite some time. Then Raoul's like HOLY CRAP CHRISTINE WASN'T A VIRGIN and the Phantom just kinda feels all smart and important and happy and fatherly. They make a bet on whether Christine will sing, which is the reason she came in the first place. If she doesn't sing, Raoul wins, and if she does sing, then Raoul has to GO AWAY FOREVA.
Then some important stuff happens, I think, but I wasn't really paying attention because Meg annoys me. Basically, she appears in a hot-air ballon which also TOTALLY MAKES SENSE and then sings a song about swimware that Macy's should totally steal for a commercial. Afterwards Madame Giry tells Meg that the Phantom wasn't there to watch her because he loooooves Christine too much, which totally pisses her off. And then there's this nine-minute crazy song that has about six different reprises and in which Andy totally STEALS MUSIC FROM THE OTHER PHANTOM MUSICAL. And it's pretty super obvious too. At some point Raoul's like, "DON'T SING PLZ" and Christine ends up being like, "UP YOURS FOO" and sings some crazy aria full of fun high notes and shit.
But obviously Andy doesn't know what a happy ending is (or how to just quit while he's ahead) because when Christine's done singing and she and the Phantom are done making out, she realizes that OH NOES Gustave is missing! So they run in circles screaming for a bit, then calm down enough to do things logically. And by logically, that means yelling at Madame Giry. Oh yeah, and Raoul ran away. He's gone because he's sad and depressed that he wasn't a good husband. He even left a Little Lottie note that has the SAME MELODY AS THE FIRST MUSICAL. Bye bye Raoul. And then they finally find Gustave with Meg on top of this ginormous pier place, where she may or may not have been planning to shove him off. Meg rants at the Phantom for a bit, and he feels bad, but not bad enough because he makes the mistake of tossing in a CHRISTINE IS BETTER THAN YOOOO comment. So Meg shoots Christine, who dies. But, of course, before she dies she tells Gustave that the Phantom's his father and then makes out with the Phantom some more.
So basically, Gustave is going to have some serious mental issues. And... curtain!
SO basically, it opens exactly the same way the first one does. People reminiscing about how awesome life was and how sad it is that the Opera House freak show is no longer in operation. And guess what!! Madame Giry's there! (Recurring theme?) There's even crazy-fun and catchy music that plays when things probably turn into a flashback. No way.
Apparently, the Phantom now runs a freak show in Coney Island, which totally makes sense. Because it's not like he was humiliated in one as a child and then forever scarred for life or anything... (pun intended) So yeah, definitely probable that he would turn his worst nightmare into a career. And apparently everyone knows about him and how he wears a mask, but nobody seems to care. Yay? Also, Meg's a star dancer and part-time whore. I'm pretty sure Madame Giry's her pimp and everything. She's even got a troupe of annoying, simpering backup dancers. And I think she's in love with the Phantom too. Issues much?
Obviously, we can't be without the lovely Christine and the dashing Raoul for too long, right? Nine songs in and we finally get to see them! Christine was hired by the Phantom to sing at Phantasma (and neither she nor Raoul noticed the GLARINGLY OBVIOUS fact that it was the Phantom) so they appear at Coney Island too! And guess what... there's a child involved! Gustave is their son, and Christine loves him lots. And Raoul doesn't. Like, at all. He's basically using Christine as a meal ticket and a way to pay off his gambling/drinking debt and he may or may not beat one or both of them. Which TOTALLY MAKES SENSE.
About five seconds after arriving, Christine runs into Meg and Raoul runs into Madame Giry. They get all excited until the Girys realize that Christine is there to sing. They get pissed and we get a sarcastic song about friendship and how they all secretly hate each other now. And Raoul's angry some more. Then Christine practices her song and doesn't notice the even more glaringly obvious fact that the Phantom wrote it. So there's a bunch of HOMG HOW DARE YOOO and then the Phantom's like, "remember that time we totally had sex?" And then they sing a seven minute song about how they had sex twice in one night and how awesome it was. It's seriously the most awkward song ever.
Then there's more singing and Gustave wakes up and is like, "Mommy I can't swim!" And then later the Phantom kidnaps Gustave and comes to the amazing revelation that LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER. It's the piano's fault. No seriously, blame the piano. So then the Phantom sings the best song on the entire album to his son and it's extremely creepy because it's the kind of song he could sing to anyone and it would still make sense. So, basically, at times it sounds like he's seducing his ten year old son, but it's fucking FANTASTIC. But then OH NOES he takes off his mask. But it's okay because Christine magically appears, makes Gustave leave, and sings with the Phantom some more. During the course of the song, the Phantom writes his will and I am totally not kidding.
And this is when you get your pee break. When your bladder is empty, you'll get to see depressed-and-brooding!Raoul in a bar, and he has TOTALLY NOT BEEN DRINKING ALL NIGHT. No way. The night shift barman leaves and the morning shift Phantom barman comes in and takes over. Meg comes in, makes snarky comments about how Raoul's life sucks and alludes to being a whore. Then she runs away. So basically, her appearance in this scene made no sense, it was just there to guilt-trip Raoul, who we don't feel bad for because he's BAD WIFE-BEATING Raoul instead of I HAVE FUNNY SIDEBURNS AND FLOPPY HAIR Raoul. The Phantom finally decides to tell Raoul that he's the barman, and then he's like, "Christine likes me better," and Raoul's like, "nuh-uh," and the Phantom's like, "uh-huh," and this continues, in song form, for quite some time. Then Raoul's like HOLY CRAP CHRISTINE WASN'T A VIRGIN and the Phantom just kinda feels all smart and important and happy and fatherly. They make a bet on whether Christine will sing, which is the reason she came in the first place. If she doesn't sing, Raoul wins, and if she does sing, then Raoul has to GO AWAY FOREVA.
Then some important stuff happens, I think, but I wasn't really paying attention because Meg annoys me. Basically, she appears in a hot-air ballon which also TOTALLY MAKES SENSE and then sings a song about swimware that Macy's should totally steal for a commercial. Afterwards Madame Giry tells Meg that the Phantom wasn't there to watch her because he loooooves Christine too much, which totally pisses her off. And then there's this nine-minute crazy song that has about six different reprises and in which Andy totally STEALS MUSIC FROM THE OTHER PHANTOM MUSICAL. And it's pretty super obvious too. At some point Raoul's like, "DON'T SING PLZ" and Christine ends up being like, "UP YOURS FOO" and sings some crazy aria full of fun high notes and shit.
But obviously Andy doesn't know what a happy ending is (or how to just quit while he's ahead) because when Christine's done singing and she and the Phantom are done making out, she realizes that OH NOES Gustave is missing! So they run in circles screaming for a bit, then calm down enough to do things logically. And by logically, that means yelling at Madame Giry. Oh yeah, and Raoul ran away. He's gone because he's sad and depressed that he wasn't a good husband. He even left a Little Lottie note that has the SAME MELODY AS THE FIRST MUSICAL. Bye bye Raoul. And then they finally find Gustave with Meg on top of this ginormous pier place, where she may or may not have been planning to shove him off. Meg rants at the Phantom for a bit, and he feels bad, but not bad enough because he makes the mistake of tossing in a CHRISTINE IS BETTER THAN YOOOO comment. So Meg shoots Christine, who dies. But, of course, before she dies she tells Gustave that the Phantom's his father and then makes out with the Phantom some more.
So basically, Gustave is going to have some serious mental issues. And... curtain!