Lacking In The Underwear Department
Title : Lacking In The Underwear Department
Pairing : KyuMin
Rating : PG-13
Genre : Humor
Summary : “Why are they all looking at us?!” “Because, Sungmin, we look like we’re having sex on live television!”
Kyuhyun forgets to wear his underwear, something which probably wouldn't be too much of an issue...if he hadn't gone and ripped his pants on live television.
In retrospect, it had probably been a horrible choice from the very beginning - however, Kyuhyun had been in a rush, and his manager’s frantic shrieks hadn’t helped one bit. He’d practically hurled his clothes on, before running his fingers hurriedly through his hair and sprinting out the door; half way down the staircase he’d realized, much to his horror, that he’d forgotten one very important item of clothing.
His underwear.
Cursing silently to himself, he’d been prepared to hurry back to his room and fix his mistake, but then his manager had appeared, grabbing him by the arm, and dragging him towards the door. He’d ignored Kyuhyun’s protests and, after a number of attempts, Kyuhyun decided that it really wasn’t that much of a big deal - after all, it wasn’t like he’d forgotten his pants or his shirt, items which would certainly be noticed if absent. He’d deal with the slight discomfort - after all, it was only for a few hours.
Big, big mistake.
Up until that stupid, stupid appearance on that stupid, stupid show that Kyuhyun couldn’t even remember the name of, things had been going smoothly - and then, well, it had all gone to hell as soon as he had stepped into the room, taken note of the cameras pointed straight at them, and had, seconds later, realized that he was lying face-first on the floor.
“Wha -?” He muttered, dazed.
“Oh my god, sorry!” Eunhyuk,who had tripped and fallen on top of him, staggered away, his eyes wide. “I missed my step -”
Kyuhyun stopped listening sometime around there, because he realized that something was very wrong. He lay still for a moment, dread creeping through him as he realized - his pants were ripped.
His pants were ripped.
“Damn you skinny jeans,” he hissed; he had told the stylist that those things were too tight for their own good, and - wait, why had he been wearing skinny jeans with no underwear? He pushed the thought out of his head, deciding that the current issue was far more important.
“Um, Kyuhyun?” Blinking, the maknae peered up, seeing the members who were here with him - Leeteuk, Eunhyuk, Yesung and Sungmin - glancing at him in concern. “Are you going to get up?” It was Leeteuk who had spoken.
“Uh...” Crap; how was he going to get off the floor? The room was packed with an overly-enthusiastic audience, dozens of cameras, and, of course, his bewildered bandmates. He let out an awkward laugh, and shook his head.
“I like the floor.”
Stares. Well - he’d much rather them staring at his face than - well, other places.
“You know,” laughed the show’s host, wandering over, “you can get off the floor.”
“Like I told my bandmates,” Kyuhyun laughed, making no move to get up, “I like sitting on the floor.”
“Um, okay...” The host stared at him for a long moment, obviously wondering if the maknae was joking or not. At last he said, slowly, “we’re actually going to need that area -”
Kyuhyun didn’t move.
“Kyuhyun,” Eunhyuk hissed, “get up!”
Kyuhyun smiled awkwardly, not budging an inch.
“Haha!” The host obviously didn’t know what to say, and was frantically looking at the director who, eyes rapidly moving over the script, was clearly as clueless as he was.
Kyuhyun quickly went over his options in his head; his bandmates had already sat down in their seats, but he had no possible way to get to his without someone catching sight of things that he’d rather not see posted on the internet. He jumped in alarm as loud music filled the room; the host made a frantic gesture for him to move.
Cursing silently to himself, Kyuhyun decided to go with his best option and, butt-first, began sliding across the floor.
Well, if he’d been receiving strange stares before, it was nothing compared to the looks he was receiving now.
“Is this part of the script?” Yesung muttered.
“Not as far as I now...” Leeteuk responded, clearly bewildered.
Kyuhyun, ignoring the stares, continued to slide across the floor; briefly, he wondered if it wouldn’t just be easier to get up and deal with the consequences, but then - no. Just no.
His back hit a hard surface and he glanced up, surprised to see Sungmin staring down at him. His eyes drifted to the other side of the room and he let out a silent curse; he’d slid in the wrong direction. His seat was at the goddamn other side of the room.
“Kyu,” Sungmin hissed, his voice barely audible over the pounding music, “what the hell are you doing?!”
“I’m not wearing any underwear,” Kyuhyun whispered back, deciding that if he could trust anyone it would be his best friend.
“What?” Sungmin’s brow creased in confusion.
“I’m not -”
“Kyu, I can’t hear you over this music!”
Kyuhyun clenched his jaw. “I said,” he growled, “I’m not wearing any -”
“Kyu, seriously!” Sungmin frowned at him.
“I said,” Kyuhyun said through gritted teeth, “I’m not wearing any under -”
“You wearing a what?”
“NO!” Kyuhyun resisted the urge to bang his head on the floor. “Sungmin, I’m not wearing any underwear!”
Sungmin’s eyes widened. “You’re not wearing any underwear?!”
...And of course he had to say it just as the music stopped. There was dead silence as everyone - the present members, the host, every member of the audience - turned to stare at him.
Silence. Dead silence.
“Hahaha!” Kyuhyun choked out. “Sungmin, you little joker!”
“Kyuhyun...” Leeteuk’s eyes were narrowed; a clear warning oozed from his voice.
“Oh come on!” Kyuhyun pressed. “We all know Sungmin - that little joker -” He awkwardly reached back, intending to pat Sungmin on the knee - of course, moments later, he found himself wondering why the hell the entire audience had started shrieking hysterically, why the host was gaping at them, and why Leeteuk looked seconds away from having an aneurism.
Then his eyes flickered to where his hand was positioned and he let out a loud sigh - oh of course. As if he wasn’t suffering enough - why did the universe seem to hate him so much?
His hand was on Sungmin’s freaking crotch.
“Kyuhyun.” Despite the fact that, outwardly, Leeteuk’s voice seemed friendly and cheerful, Kyuhyun could see the murderous glint shining in the elder’s eyes.
“But -” Oh crap, what was he supposed to do?! “Uh -”
“Is there something you don’t like about your seat?!” The smile was fading of Leeteuk’s face, his irritation becoming evident. “Just -”
“Hyung,” Yesung whispered, nudging Leeteuk on the leg. “I get that you want to kill him right now, but don’t make it too obvious until we get away from the cameras.”
Right; the cameras. And the many screaming fans - crap.
“Do you want my seat?” Leeteuk asked, taking a deep breath. “I’ll take yours.”
“Uh...”
“Is there an issue?” The host asked, staring at them in confusion. Kyuhyun felt guilty for a split second, aware that he was probably ruining the entire show, but then decided that he’d rather their pain to his own.
“I think I’ll just sit here,” Kyuhyun told him, forcing himself not to look at Leeteuk’s murderous expression.
The host frowned. “Well actually -”
And then Kyuhyun was no longer on the floor.
“What the hell are you doing?!” Leeteuk hissed, his voice horrified. He quickly covered up by forcing an enormous grin on his face, trying to hide his clenched fists.
Kyuhyun stared at Sungmin, bewildered, wondering why the hell his best friend had just pulled him onto his lap.
“Um...” Sungmin hesitated for a moment. “Uh...fan-service?”
Again, Kyuhyun wondered what the hell was going through his head.
Despite the fixed smile on his face, Leeteuk’s eye twitched. “Sungmin,” he hissed. “We have a script to follow -”
“I’m sitting on your lap,” Kyuhyun muttered, ignoring Leeteuk. “...My bare butt is on your lap.”
Sungmin blinked. “...What?”
“I said my -” Kyuhyun paused, a frown creasing his brow. “...Wait, why exactly did you pull me onto your lap?”
“Because you didn’t want to get off the floor and I figured something was wrong with - wait, what exactly is wrong?”
“My pants ripped,” Kyuhyun told him, keeping his voice as low as possible. After all, he was aware of the many eyes currently staring at them.
“...Your pants ripped?” Sungmin sounded horrified. “But uh - my lap - you’re -”
“Yup.” Kyuhyun let out a miserable sigh.
Sungmin stared down at his lap and then back at Kyuhyun, looking unsure of what to say.
“Okay,” he finally choked. “We need to get you to your own seat -”
The host, who had been speaking to Yesung, glanced at them, looking bewildered.
“Is everything alright?” he asked.
“Oh yes,” Kyuhyun called back, “everything’s great!”
He blinked and then glanced away, shaking his head slightly.
“Okay,” Sungmin whispered a moment later. “So, how about I pass you down to Leeteuk-hyung and -”
“ARE YOU INSANE?!”
Everyone turned to stare at him. Kyuhyun laughed loudly and gestured for them to continue with what they were doing. No one moved.
“Uh...” He let out an awkward laugh. “Sungmin was just telling me that I should stop playing video games.”
The host nodded his head. “Yes, yes,” he agreed, “it’s one of your passions isn’t it?”
“Yup,” Kyuhyun said, nodding his head. “I - what the hell are you doing?!”
And the staring was back.
“Haha, just kidding!” Kyuhyun choked. “Just me, being the evil maknae I am!”
Turning to Sungmin, he hissed, “what are you doing?! I told you, your not passing me down to anyone!”
“Your seat is right at the end,” Sungmin whispered back. “What do you expect me to do?”
“I’ll just sit on your lap,” he responded.
“Kyuhyun, go to your own seat,” Leeteuk muttered. The smile was long gone from his face.
“Why?”
“Because none of this is part of the script, and no one knows what’s going on!”
“But -”
“Shut up!” They turned to stare at Yesung. “What is wrong with all of you?!”
“I don’t know what the problem is,” Sungmin argued, surprisingly daring. “The audience are loving it.”
Leeteuk clenched his jaw. “Sungmin, I swear -”
“Guys,” Yesung hissed, “I think you’re forgetting we’re on camera -”
“Um...” The host, who had moved on to chat with Eunhyuk about something-or-another, glanced at them, letting out an awkward laugh. “Look, they’re having their own private little conversation -”
“You’re completely overreacting -” Sungmin flung his arms up in a show of frustration and Kyuhyun, for the second time that day, found himself tumbling to the floor. His face slammed against the ground and, staring in horror, Kyuhyun waited for some sort of reaction from the audience. And then, well, there certainly were screams - but it had nothing to do with his bare backside.
“...You’re on top of me,” he muttered.
“Yup,” Sungmin responded.
“What are you doing?!” Leeteuk shrieked, not even bothering to hide his obvious horror.
“Look,” Sungmin whispered, choosing to ignore their startled leader, “I’ll flip you over -”
“What?!” Kyuhyun’s eyes widened. “No!”
“Okay, so you turn to that side, and I’ll turn with you -”
“No.”
Sungmin let out a sigh of frustration. “Okay, roll over and I’ll -”
“Sungmin,” Kyuhyun growled, “do you know what this is going to look like?!”
“Well it’s not any better right now!” Sungmin snapped. “Why are they all looking at us?!”
“Because, Sungmin, we look like we’re having sex on live television!”
“Yes, you do,” Leeteuk interrupted. “So get off the damn floor!”
“Okay, okay,” Sungmin said. “So, uh, get on your knees -”
“Should we do something?” Eunhyuk murmured to the nearest person - who just happened to be the bewildered host.
Yesung sat in his seat, gaping in disbelief.
“And I’ll -”
“Sungmin.” Kyuhyun cut him off. “Can you be any louder?!”
Leeteuk let out a moan and buried his head in his hands, not even caring what the audience thought anymore - after all, they were all pretty much screwed after this. The audience, on the other hand, were the complete opposite. Squeals and shrieks of joy filled the room.
The host stared at them, looking torn between horror and sheer joy (because this would do wonders for his show’s ratings).
Leeteuk pulled his head out of his hands a moment later, forcing himself not to succumb to his mental-breakdown, and, acting like the professional he was, decided that the show must go on.
He recited a random line from his script. Everyone on stage stared at him, wondering if he’d gone insane.
"Um hyung," Eunhyuk muttered, "shouldn't we do something about - "
“Just say your lines,” Leeteuk bit back. “We’re professionals, dammit!”
...
Sungmin and Kyuhyun continued to brainstorm how the hell they were going to get off the floor, something which mainly consisted of Sungmin spitting out ideas, and Kyuhyun shooting them down.
And, well, that lasted until the end of the show.
“Alright!” Leeteuk snarled, storming over as soon as the last of the audience had trickled out of the room. He reached down and wrenched Sungmin off Kyuhyun, his expression thunderous. “I am seriously going to -”
He paused, staring down, his eyes widen.
There was a moment of silence.
“...Dear god.” Dropping Sungmin back into his previous position he hurried away, ignoring Eunhyuk and Yesung’s questioning calls.
“You know,” Sungmin murmured, still on top of Kyuhyun, “maybe it would have been better if you’d just gone to your seat...”
...
AN:
Most random idea ever, and it’s supposed to be pure comedy - obviously something like this wouldn’t happen, and if it did, well, I’m sure it would be dealt with MUCH more professionally than the way it was in this story! xD Anyway, I hope you enjoy this! :)