Fic: Don't Date the Devil
As he stood facing the sea of Super Junior members, (seriously, why did there have to be so many of them?!), Changmin decided to ignore the many, many ways in which this could go terribly wrong, and focus on the good - they liked him.
…Or at least he thought they did, but then, hadn’t they always favoured Yunho? Or maybe that was just his sleep-deprived mind talking…
Realising that he was starting to receive a number of odd looks, Changmin decided that it was best to speak up and get this whole thing over and done with.
“Okay,” he said to the expectant crowd, “I really don’t know how to say this…”
“Aww, why so nervous Changmin? You can tell us anything! We’re all family here!” Ryeowook cooed, his eyes sparkling with that soft, welcoming light that Ryeowook always seemed to have (Changmin decided to stare at him while he was talking - in a completely non-creepy way of course - because it was better than looking into the soon-to-be murderous eyes of Kangin or Heechul).
“Right,” said the…outsider (because technically he was the only outsider in this room, and, oh god, he was going to stop before he sent himself down the path of lunacy), “well, it’s about Kyuhyun…”
No one looked particularly murderous, but then, if they did at this stage, he might as well give up and start running while he still had a chance.
“…I like him.”
“I don’t understand, why is that news?” Donghae asked, blinking cluelessly. “You’re best friends, aren’t you?”
“No!” Changmin protested. “…I mean, yes, but I - I really like him.”
“…I repeat, best friends.”
“No - dammit, I mean more than a friend!”
“…BEST - ”
“Donghae-hyung!” Changmin yelled. “You are purposely being dense right now!” He took a deep breath, forcing himself to remain calm - his next words depended on it.
“I want to ask your permission to date Kyuhyun.”
There was a moment of dead silence, and as it dragged on, a million horrific thoughts flew through Changmin’s mind. He waited for the screams of denial and protest that had haunted his nightmares for weeks, because he knew how protective Kyuhyun’s hyungs could be of their maknae.
“…You want to date Kyuhyun?” Leeteuk finally choked out.
Changmin nodded. “Yes.”
“…Our maknae.”
“Yes.”
“Our youngest member.”
“…That is what maknae means…”
Leeteuk let out a short, hysterical burst of laughter, and his hands clutched onto the material of Kangin’s shirt. “Oh my - Kangin, did you hear that?” he giggled, although his face showed no hint of humour. “He wants to date Kyuhyun!”
Kangin clenched his fists. “Yup,” he growled, “I definitely heard that.”
Beside him, Heechul rapidly narrowed his eyes, letting out an angry hiss. Ryeowook let out a whimper and clutched his throat, and Yesung stood beside him, both hands gripping onto his philtrum.
Not for the first time, Changmin wondered if this was such a good idea.
“Changmin,” Leeteuk choked, “are you insane?!”
Changmin sighed loudly. “Okay, fine, I get it,” he told the frazzled elder. “You’re protective of him - ”
“Protective?!” Leeteuk stared at him in disbelief. “Dammit Changmin…you want to date Kyuhyun?!”
“Yes!” Changmin cried. “Seriously, you guys are scaring me!”
“Oh wow, we’re scaring him guys!” Heechul exclaimed. “We are scaring him!” He turned to Changmin, his eyes wide. “Well, if you can’t even handle us, then how are you going to handle him?!”
Donghae leaned forward and latched onto his arm. “Changmin, you’re a valuable friend, and a valuable asset to your band - you’re too young to die!”
Changmin gaped at him. “What the hell…?”
“I asked Kyuhyun out a few years ago,” Sungmin interrupted, his voice wavering (and oh god, were those tears in his eyes?!). “It…he had this look in his eyes, you know? Like those psychopaths in those horror movies…” He let out a choked sob. “The next day…my stuffed bunny collection…it was gone! It was like a massacre - there was cotton everywhere!” He dropped to his knees, letting out a loud, tortured wail.
Ryeowook patted him on the back. “Let it out,” he murmured, “let it out…”
Heechul scoffed. “You think that’s bad?! He set fire to everything I owned - my makeup, my designer clothes, my Lady Hee-Hee costume - and all because I asked him to join Hangeng and me in bed!”
“I watched those flames as I ate my breakfast,” Shindong whispered. “Eggs have never tasted quite the same.”
Changmin let out a yelp and leaped backwards as he felt cold fingers touching his…philtrum.
“Yesung-hyung,” he ground out.
“I may never get to do that again,” Yesung murmured, sadness shining in his eyes.
“Oh come on guys, this is crazy,” Changmin sighed, after he had turned away from Yesung to prevent the other male from touching his philtrum again. “This is Kyuhyun we’re talking about - he’s not some deranged psychopath!”
“He sent a hit man after me after I suggested that he start dating.”
Changmin turned to Siwon in disbelief. “You’re making that up.”
Siwon glared at him. “The only reason I’m still here is because the man was a friend of my father’s!” he snapped.
“You’re dad is friends with a hit man?” Changmin asked, evidently sceptical.
“Don’t you know?” Heechul interrupted. “All rich men have their own personal hit men.”
“…Actually, they used to golf together,” Siwon muttered.
“You know,” Eunhyuk said, cutting in, “SM once wanted to make a horror movie. It’s title: “The Kyuhyun”.”
“The bunny massacre was going to be the opening scene,” Sungmin said quietly, and tears once again welled up in his eyes.
“Kyuhyun found out,” Kangin continued. “We don’t know what went on in that meeting room, but the very next day, the film was on indefinite hiatus.”
“Just like Kibum,” Yesung whispered.
“K-Kibum?” Changmin stuttered (and no he was not scared because…because this was just ridiculous, okay!).
Donghae smiled sadly. “You want to know why he ran and never looked back?”
“He didn’t run!” Changmin protested, a hint of desperation slipping into his voice (ridiculous, ridiculous…). “He’s…he’s acting…”
“In a mental asylum,” Heechul muttered.
“This is crazy!” Changmin cried. “Kyuhyun won’t kill me! I mean, we almost kissed the last time we met up - ”
Leeteuk let out a loud shriek.
“Jesus Christ!” Changmin yelped, because dear god, did that man have a voice.
“Oh my god, you showed interest?!” Leeteuk wailed. “Oh god, oh god, it’s too late…”
“Come on guys!” Changmin pleaded. “This isn’t funny!”
At that moment the phone decided to ring, and Changmin let out a startled (and completely manly, as he would later insist) scream.
“Oh my god,” Ryeowook whispered. “It’s him.”
Shindong swallowed, and eyed the device fearfully. “He always did love the whole ‘seven days’ thing from The Ring…”
“No!” Changmin wailed, shaking his head rapidly from side to side. “I can’t only have seven days left! We go on tour next monday!”
The phone rang again.
“I’ve been waiting for that tour for months!” Then, deciding that this was probably one of his many nightmares, Changmin ran out of the room, and sprinted for the front door (because that’s just what you did in nightmares).
…
“Well boys,” Leeteuk said, as the sound of the front door slamming met their ears. “Good work I’d say.”
Heechul smirked. “They always fall for that routine - thank god Kyuhyun doesn’t go with the ‘innocent’ image that all maknaes seem to love.”
“He actually thought that I’d ask my adorable little maknae on a date!” Sungmin giggled, a sharp contrast to his previous hysteria. “And that Heechul would try to corrupt his virtue by asking him something like that - ”
Heechul’s eyes shifted from side to side.
Eunhyuk turned to Siwon. “Don’t you think the hit man thing was a little much?” he asked.
“I panicked!” Siwon retorted heatedly. “The last three guys weren’t nearly as hard to convince!”
“The phone call was pure genius though,” Kangin interrupted. He smiled at Ryeowook, who happily waved his phone, having made the phone calls when Changmin had been looking elsewhere.
“I did a little planning after the last one,” he said proudly. “Also, remind me to call Kibum later, and thank him for his little suggestion.”
“Well then,” Leeteuk said, looking extremely pleased by the events of the past hour, “I’d say we scared him off for good - Mission: Keep All Males Far Away From Our Maknae has been a success yet again!” The look of satisfaction faded a moment later, and his eyes narrowed sharply. “I think we should start keeping an eye on Minho after this - they call him the ‘hyung-whore’ for a reason after all.”
…
“Changmin, Kyuhyun’s here to see you,” Yunho called to his bandmate, who’d he’d seen curled up on the sofa a few moments prior (Yunho was almost certain he’d seen a look of fear on the maknaes face when he had passed by, but that couldn’t be right…).
“HIDE THE TOYS HYUNG!” Changmin shrieked, and the sound of heavy footsteps could be heard running towards the opposite direction (maybe the fear hadn’t been his imagination then…). “HIDE THE TOYS!”