Feb 22, 2007 15:01
So here we are, that is Josi and I in Atlin for heliski 2007. So far its been a little interesting. Im not feeling the new and exciting feelings that I did last year. Josi and I have been together for a year noow, and weve spewnt some time travelling to thailand and in europe. Its been a very special year for me and oour relationship is still in bloom.
Laltey I havent felt so sure abouut things. I feel conofused about myself. Im tired of not having an great passion or interset to take me to great places and occupy my time.
I am planning on going to england for massage schoool. Mostley so that I can still have a relationship with josi withouht spending so much time apart.
Im starting to feel like eveything is getting oout of reach. Im not so happy right now, I am constantly on this wave of doubts with josi. I know how wonderful and fuun he is, how great of a guy hes been to me, but Im not suure if this is what I want now. I feel Im becoming to dependent on him, and I feel like more and more he expects me to be this way or that way. and I have expressed my worries to him and he denys this but still even last night we were in conflict about that drunk guuy in the bar and I was just joking around, and he said something stupid abpout my ass, and it really made Josi mad and he accused me of provoking it and being to nice, which is all true. I know I should distance mysellf from those kind of freaks. Its just me, I mean with all this heliski shit its almost hard to have a good time with him, and I did not mean to make him feel bad. and when he yelled at me it scared me the way he looked at me, I dont want to see hiim that way. I dont want to think of his face that way. Ive always seen josi's face as friendly smiling face. Why does he have to yell, why are german speaking people to sharp. I was just trying too have fun.
Well I forgive him and its okay, in a year we have had a hand ful of little tiffs. Thats really good.
I just dont know if having this relationship is putting moore preasure on me to get a life and grow up faster, I dont want to settle down! Im just not ready, I dont want to bve stepped on by him, I dont want him to be posessive and if something oes happen I dont want to be afraid to leave him becasue Ill hurt him. I love him dearly...I hope I can start feeling differently,
Maybe I am just not grown up enough for him, and I shouldnt have to give up my youuthfuulness becasue he wants me too.
And maybe he is too much of an old fart, and I just cant relate well enough.
maybe,maybe,maybe