Depression
Lately I have seen myself becoming progressively more depressed, and I pretty sure that I know the cause of it; I went off of Prozac (which I take as an anti depressant as well as for anti anxiety) about a week before I went in for surgery and have not yet gone back on it. I'm sure many of you are think, "then why don't you go back on it?" The Dr. has yet to give the okay since I'm still on so many pain killers. Bunch of bull if you ask me... How can I tell that I'm becoming more and more depressed each day? That's exactly what a friend of mine asked me just the other day. My response was simple yet she seemed to fully grasp what I truly meant by my honest statement. I told her, " I've started crying more, especially when I see things that would usually never make me sad or catch my interest. I get angry and scared faster then ever before at stupid little things. I'm starting to doubt myself more and more as the days go by, and honestly, it's starting to worry me." She seemed to know what I meant because it was not brought up anymore for the rest of our conversation. I think she also was more understanding because she too is on anti depressants.
I watch a lot of music television (i.e. FUSE and MTV2) and listen to A LOT of music....like A LOT! Usually I enjoy music videos and listening to music in general; music is one of the only things that makes me happy. Honest! Ask any of my friends and they will tell you this, I guarantee it. But recently I've started crying and thinkin more deeply while watching some of my favorite music videos as well as while I'm listening to some of my favorite songs. And the weird part about all of this is is that I've never cried while watching or listening to them before....Okay, I admitt, "When You're Gone" by Avril Lavigne is a sad song, but how many people do you know that actually bawl their eyes out while they listen to that song or watch that video???? Name one and I'll feel like less of an idiot (I'm begging you to name one!!!!) Saosins "You're Not Alone," both song and video, get me crying. Hell! Band I've been listening to for years, some of their stuff gets me going as of late! "What I've Done" by Linkin Park makes me feel guilty, the video, "Never Too Late" by Three Days Grace makes me feel like I give too easily and if everything really is alright, "Here I Stand" by Madina Lake makes me wonder, " is there really such a thing as true love or are we all just fools?", "That's What You Get" by Paramore makes me wonder if letting my heart win over my mind at times will turn out to be a blessing or a curse......"Hey There Delilah" by The Plain White Ts makes me feel lonely, the song and video, "Can't Be Saved" by Senses Fail makes me question myself, "All Around Me" by Flyleaf makes me feel regret and want, and last but not least, "Famous Last Words" by My Chemical Romance makes me ask myself, " do I even stand a chance in this life that I want to lead?"....Tell me please...is this normal?! I can go on and on about songs and music videos thats as of late have made and are still making me feel such strong emotions, but then I would feel even stupider (is that even a word?) than I already do.
And it doesn't end with music and music videos, no, it goes on to television and movies as well. Even some commercials make me sad!!! My mum watches a lot of Dr. Phil...I watch it with her sometimes, and when I do I have to hide my tears or else I know that she will question me. Talk shows in general as of late have me trying to hold in the tears....sometimes I can and other times, I hate to say it, but I fail miserably! I'm sure many of you have heard of and watched the television show "Flavor of Love: Charm School." I'll admit, though I may dent it in the future, that the last two episodes of the show had me with a face wet with tears and sniffling. Usually, and I'm being completely honest here, I laugh at these kind of shows; I find them pathetic yet entertaining....And get this...I even cried while watching a cooking show when the lady cut her finger and thought she would be better off going home then staying in the "food contest thingy." How pathetic is that? No, really, I'm askingyou....how PATHETIC is that.....
I'm a strong person that is usually able to hold in my anger and deal with it in better, more effective ways. Anyone that knows me well know the ways I am talking about; I play my bass till the strings snap and listen to loud music. But as of late, me being able to control my anger has been becoming harder and harder to do. Now, it's not like I'm throwing violent fits or anything of that sort, I'm just becoming frustrated more easily then usual and letting it get the best of me. When that occurs I lash out with words, I don't use violence when I am angry and/or frustrated and everyone that I am friends with knows this. This doesn't happen often, but when it does I can't seem to see what I am doing until the matter is over.
Sometimes I just have these random "visions," well, I guess you can call them that, which cause me to freak out and bawl myself to sleep. Some times sleep doesn't even come for me when these "visions" or "what if" scenarios occour in my mind. Now, let me explain before you think of me as a mini Haley Joel Osmond (or whatever the hell his name is) seeing "dead people." In the past few weeks I have had a few of these "visions" or whatever the fuck you want to call them occur, but one stands out above all of the others.....After I had my knee surgery (I might as well add that this was my fourth knee operation in the last three and a half maybe four years...) I have been living (literally) in a hospital bed downstairs in the guest room for a few reasons. The most important of these reasons include that I was (I now can, but still with some difficulty) not able to climb the staircase to get to my room, and I had to be hooked up (and still do) to a few different machines that had to be (well at least SHOULD be) kept in one constant spot. So back to my "story" now. My mum had been opening the windows in the room at night because it was so damn hot even with the fans on, and she let one of my dogs, Winnie, spend the nights in my room, not because I was Scared but more because I never really have liked to be on my own. So anyways, one night, for no apparent reason, I had a panic attack. I got extremely scared that someone was going to come in through my window at night (seeing as it was wide open) and potentially hurt me (I'd just like to point out here that I can usually protect myself, I'm not a weakling at all, but with a bum leg there isn't much I can do at the moment to protect myself). Just at that one thought I started crying and started planning on how to move everything I would need for the night up to my room without waking my mum (1. she would kill me for walking up the stairs and 2. she gets REAL pissy when you wake her up). I couldn't get the thought out of my head that I was not safe downstairs out of my head and became impulsive (which I usually am) with my decisions. First I took up the pillow that I needed for my leg along with my blankets. My next trip, however, was not successful. I tried to bring up one of the machines that I needed at the time (and still do); an ice machine that I had to use on my knee to help keep the swelling down. About halfway up the stairs, I'll just add now that I was still crying, I realized that there was no way I was going to be able to get up the stairs with the machine, it's little but it weighs a shitload! So I headed back down the stairs, ice machine in tow, and ignoring the pain I was beginning to feel in my knee. I didn't even bother going back up the stairs to get the rest of my shit, I saw no point in going back up anymore if i wasn't even going to sleep up there. Still scared and feeling alone, I got back into my oh so comfortable hospital bed and just cried for the rest of the night. I just couldn't get this one thought of something bad happening to me out of my head. Do I really even need to add that I didn't sleep more than ten minutes that night? I thought not. There are more little incidents that are a bit like this, but none worth sharing. Somehow, I managed to get over them....
Anyone that knows me well knows that I am not the kind of person that cries often. I'm often seen as the kid that makes people laugh and is rarely serious. I like to keep my emotions to myself, but sometimes they just overflow and I can't help but spill out my guts to a friend or an adult that I trust. I'm a strong person WHEN I have something to lean on. My crutch, or crutches, have always been my friends and my medications. Seeing as I live at school I go to durring the school year, my first crutch, my friends, had already been ruled out. That just left me with one crutch; my medications. I hate to admit it, but I can't remember a time when I HAVEN'T been on any medications. Kind of scary....Anyways, in the past couple of years there has been some talk between my mum and the therapist I see up at school about slowly lowering and working my way down to completely stopping all of my medications. I feel that I personally should have the final say on matters such as this one; it directly affects me and how I live. I, after seeing what I become (as in how I act) and how I feel after not taking my medications for such a long period of time, do not want to stop taking some of them. Even after high school and into college, I feel that I would benefit staying on a few of them.
I'm sorry if I'm boring you all with this, but, it IS my journal and I get to choose what I write and post in it after all. I just needed to write this all out, writing seems to be the most helpful thing for me to do in stressful situations such as this one. It's late here (3:08 am), and I'm starting to get a bit tired. I'm sorry to burden you all with my troubles, but I think that right now I need that one crutch that I left back at school more then anything right now; my friends support. I'm not really sure how to end this off, so I'll leave you with a lyric that has been stuck in my head.......
"But if you fall back into my life I'd spend every night waking up to the beat I hear inside telling me to be your only one. But if you fall back into my life I promise you I would never let another day just pass us by. I could never leave this world undone, I want to be your only one." ~Fall Back Into My LIfe by Amber Pacific
Peace and love y'all.
Late,
~Shauna