so go on boys and play your hands, life is a pantomime
As planned, Matt came over the other day for Operation Tippex. Ooh, we were armed, we were prepared, and damn it, we corrected the fuck out of those bastards! I felt a bit like a secret agent actually, only the kind of secret agent who, instead of a whole arsenal of exciting and deadly gadgets, attacks with, er, correction fluid. The kind of secret agent who spurns the idea of actually killing their enemies and, instead of all that nasty violent nonsense, possesses a Licence to Edit. Who wouldn't want to watch big budget action movies about me?
At first we thought, as all great entrepreneurs have done before us, that it would be a good idea to recruit some slave labour to avoid having to actually do any hard work ourselves, so we got my nephew in on the job. And, well, let's just say that we now understand why the idea of five-year-olds applying Tippex in bulk has not yet been commercially exploited on a large scale... luckily though, we're fairly sure he didn't actually ingest a substantial amount, and no trip to hospital was necessary, so really everything turned out okay!
But after that, we thought we'd probably better do it ourselves. The problem was, though, that even after our superhuman efforts, it was still really obvious what we'd done. Give us a break, it's hard to cover your tracks when they take the form of ENORMOUS WHITE BLOBS! I was all for turning the Tippex marks into pictures of little snowmen, to give the CVs a bit of a seasonal theme, but as Matt pointed out, i'd be a bit screwed if I still hadn't got a job by about August.
Anyway, i started distributing them today, mainly around the supermarkets, but also for a laugh I, er, may have applied for the post of Assistant Bank Manager at the HSBC. Matt says it doesn't technically count as discrimination if they choose not to consider me for the job PURELY because i don't have any relevant qualifications, but i beg to differ and will, if necessary, be taking this to court! Oh yes. Anyway, if they are open-minded enough to interview me, I'll be able to tell them that, although you might not immediately think it, working on the tills at Boots was in many ways very similar to managing a bank. A credit card, a Boots Advantage Card, how much of a difference is there really? And they may also be interested to know that for some time I held the store-wide record both for handing out the most advantage cards in one day and for saying the words "Would you like an advantage card?" at great speed the most times in a 60-second period! I can't remember the exact figures, but it was truly impressive. I knew all the techniques! I knew when it was time to flirt, when it was time to lie a little bit, when it was occasionally time to dish out minor threats of violence! I was a well-oiled advantage card machine. *
Not that the HSBC will care to consider this before cruelly dismissing me, the closed-minded bastards.
* (By the way, advantage cards are really incredible and amazing and you should all totally get one)
In COMPLETELY UNRELATED NEWS:
I had a dream last night where i came onto LJ just after the new episode of Ashes to Ashes had aired, but i hadn't yet watched it, and saw a post saying "omg, i couldn't BELIEVE it when we found out that Gene Hunt is actually Alex's HAMSTER!!!!!!". At the time it made perfect sense (as completely mental things in dreams so often do) -- i literally smacked my forehead in disgust, in a "oh god, how could I have been so blind? The signs were all there!! Gene's big cheeks, his preference for wheat-based snacks, the way he's always running around on that big wheel..." sort of way. If it is genuinely revealed in tomorrow's episode that Gene, Chris and Ray are all really representations of Alex's domestic pets, then please remember that you READ IT HERE FIRST. Also please note that even in my subconscious, bitches can't use spoiler cuts!
Incidentally, if after reading the above paragraph you mused to yourself, "Hmm, Gene, Chris and Ray as hamsters, I wonder what that might look like?", you should probably look under this cut.
There is a minor possibility i should maybe stop drinking so much coffee. but only a MINOR one.