(no subject)
(Imported from Facebook for the enjoyment of the LJ audience); written at about 0100 last Tuesday
Yeah, there's that giant kick in the groin. I probably should have seen it coming...I probably did, but then again, I've always been the sucker who holds out hoping for the best unless I get a definite "no."
Sometimes it feels like I've left each significant relationship a little diminished, while the other has become stronger; as though I've put a little of myself into them to help them after we've parted ways. Maybe I'm just feeling a tad selfish at the moment, but it's got me feeling that it's all well and good for them, but what about me? It feels like there's only so much I can give.
I've been through bad breakups before, but usually they had had a good deal more time invested; here, the time was compressed, but was all the more intense because of the added joy of finding someone else to connect with in this...place. There's an old saying about the candles that burn the brightest also burn the fastest; that seems appropriate in this case. In this case, I seem to have been made an object lesson; I've been here before, so at least I know what to expect...though that doesn't make it any less painful.
Most people in my age bracket are content to play the social butterfly, both because they're having too much fun to settle down, and because they're of the "never trust, never get hurt" mentality. The problem with being a social butterfly is that while they might have a wide circle of friends, deep-rooted friendships are few and far between, which is just begging for a world of hurt should life come along and give the butterfly a reality check.
To me, there's a reason a significant other is often referred to as a "better half." That reason is that without someone else with which you can share the world and life's experiences, how can you ever truly be a whole person? In addition, life is people. And though acquaintances are all well and good, someone who goes beyond even the level of "really good friend I've known all my life" is the rarest and most precious of gems.
I still haven't figured out just what it is about me that can both attract women, yet keep them at arm's length. Maybe "perennial nice guy" is just a nice way of saying "emotional doormat." I've been told that I'm just attracted to the wrong sort of girls; yet what is wrong with being attracted to a girl with a sense of humor, a lively intelligence, and a zest for life that is like a breath of fresh air every time I'm around her? I don't go for the "easy" ones with the gilt wrappings and trappings: I look deeper than that, which is probably why such experiences for me have been so few and far between.
There's a problem with looking for love: everyone's definition of love is different. Some (like me) are looking for it, and others (most of my age group) seem to be afraid of it. But if you put up walls, it invites people to try to batter them down: some for good reasons, some for ill. And the ones who want to do good are rarely strong enough because they see the hurt it will cause. The sad thing is, Truth is something few want to hear, so more often, the good are shut out to be a voice in the wilderness, while the wicked are admitted with a smile.
People love their fears. They are familiar things that can be clung to. That's what prompts them to keep their walls up. But keeping the walls up keeps only the good out. The wicked will find their own way in. Hence, the danger with "never trust, never get hurt." That is a lie, made all the more painful and dangerous, because it is a lie to oneself. To quote The King's Buccaneer:
"Fear holds us and binds us and keeps us from growing. It kills a small piece of us each day. It holds us to what we know and keeps us from what is possible, and it is our worst enemy. Fear doesn't announce itself; it's disguised, and it's subtle. It's choosing the safe course; most of us feel we have 'rational' reasons to avoid taking risks. The brave man is not the one without fear but the one who does what he must despite being afraid."
Too many people subscribe to the "never trust, never get hurt" idea. It should in fact be "never trust, never laugh, never love, never live." For without trust, there might be laughter, but it is hollow, for there is nothing deeper than the surface. There might be lust, but never love. And that is not life.
Yes ladies, there are sensitive men out there. We're not all grunting, snorting barbarians. All you have to do is look, and have the courage to accept what you find instead of running from it. If you want a "nice guy," find him; but don't go leading them on, only to run off with someone who's going to make you unhappy, just because you're afraid.
So...there's my two cents on the matter. Now to attempt sleep...we'll see if that actually happens.
*******************************************
(This was written today, in response to some who found the last one a little...off)
For those of you who thought the subject matter of my last note was a little odd:
--If you were offended by the topic, that's your choice. I did not write it to offend anyone, but Truth can be hard to hear (did you get that far last time?). If it caused you to stop reading, that's also your choice, but I think it's also your loss. Truth.
--It is my choice to put such things out here where everyone can see them. If I don't, and keep the thoughts to myself, I learn nothing beyond what I can glean myself from my late-night musings. That kind of defeats the purpose I have of actually learning from my experiences: it is a limited learning someone gets from just themselves. Getting feedback helps more than you might think. Truth.
--Nor did I write it in an attempt to show my "sensitive side" in order to pick up women; that would be playing for pity, given the context of the note. I have a sensitive side, but I don't want pity; I want people to see Truth (at least, Truth as I see it). I also want to let it be known that not all guys are shambling, unfeeling, unthinking cavemen (did you get that far either?). Truth.
--I also believe that maybe (just maybe) my own ramblings could actually prove to be of use to someone else. I flatter myself to think I'm rather perceptive, and that I can say what needs to be said; if that helps someone who reads my note, then I count my work as a success. Truth.
******************************
That's about it for my little soapbox speech. Take it or leave it and my last note as you will. That is up to you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So there you have it; that's basically what's been going through my head for the last few days or so. It's just a barrel of laughs up here. At least I should be home in about three weeks for a while. I wonder how that's going to be?
Yeah, there's that giant kick in the groin. I probably should have seen it coming...I probably did, but then again, I've always been the sucker who holds out hoping for the best unless I get a definite "no."
Sometimes it feels like I've left each significant relationship a little diminished, while the other has become stronger; as though I've put a little of myself into them to help them after we've parted ways. Maybe I'm just feeling a tad selfish at the moment, but it's got me feeling that it's all well and good for them, but what about me? It feels like there's only so much I can give.
I've been through bad breakups before, but usually they had had a good deal more time invested; here, the time was compressed, but was all the more intense because of the added joy of finding someone else to connect with in this...place. There's an old saying about the candles that burn the brightest also burn the fastest; that seems appropriate in this case. In this case, I seem to have been made an object lesson; I've been here before, so at least I know what to expect...though that doesn't make it any less painful.
Most people in my age bracket are content to play the social butterfly, both because they're having too much fun to settle down, and because they're of the "never trust, never get hurt" mentality. The problem with being a social butterfly is that while they might have a wide circle of friends, deep-rooted friendships are few and far between, which is just begging for a world of hurt should life come along and give the butterfly a reality check.
To me, there's a reason a significant other is often referred to as a "better half." That reason is that without someone else with which you can share the world and life's experiences, how can you ever truly be a whole person? In addition, life is people. And though acquaintances are all well and good, someone who goes beyond even the level of "really good friend I've known all my life" is the rarest and most precious of gems.
I still haven't figured out just what it is about me that can both attract women, yet keep them at arm's length. Maybe "perennial nice guy" is just a nice way of saying "emotional doormat." I've been told that I'm just attracted to the wrong sort of girls; yet what is wrong with being attracted to a girl with a sense of humor, a lively intelligence, and a zest for life that is like a breath of fresh air every time I'm around her? I don't go for the "easy" ones with the gilt wrappings and trappings: I look deeper than that, which is probably why such experiences for me have been so few and far between.
There's a problem with looking for love: everyone's definition of love is different. Some (like me) are looking for it, and others (most of my age group) seem to be afraid of it. But if you put up walls, it invites people to try to batter them down: some for good reasons, some for ill. And the ones who want to do good are rarely strong enough because they see the hurt it will cause. The sad thing is, Truth is something few want to hear, so more often, the good are shut out to be a voice in the wilderness, while the wicked are admitted with a smile.
People love their fears. They are familiar things that can be clung to. That's what prompts them to keep their walls up. But keeping the walls up keeps only the good out. The wicked will find their own way in. Hence, the danger with "never trust, never get hurt." That is a lie, made all the more painful and dangerous, because it is a lie to oneself. To quote The King's Buccaneer:
"Fear holds us and binds us and keeps us from growing. It kills a small piece of us each day. It holds us to what we know and keeps us from what is possible, and it is our worst enemy. Fear doesn't announce itself; it's disguised, and it's subtle. It's choosing the safe course; most of us feel we have 'rational' reasons to avoid taking risks. The brave man is not the one without fear but the one who does what he must despite being afraid."
Too many people subscribe to the "never trust, never get hurt" idea. It should in fact be "never trust, never laugh, never love, never live." For without trust, there might be laughter, but it is hollow, for there is nothing deeper than the surface. There might be lust, but never love. And that is not life.
Yes ladies, there are sensitive men out there. We're not all grunting, snorting barbarians. All you have to do is look, and have the courage to accept what you find instead of running from it. If you want a "nice guy," find him; but don't go leading them on, only to run off with someone who's going to make you unhappy, just because you're afraid.
So...there's my two cents on the matter. Now to attempt sleep...we'll see if that actually happens.
*******************************************
(This was written today, in response to some who found the last one a little...off)
For those of you who thought the subject matter of my last note was a little odd:
--If you were offended by the topic, that's your choice. I did not write it to offend anyone, but Truth can be hard to hear (did you get that far last time?). If it caused you to stop reading, that's also your choice, but I think it's also your loss. Truth.
--It is my choice to put such things out here where everyone can see them. If I don't, and keep the thoughts to myself, I learn nothing beyond what I can glean myself from my late-night musings. That kind of defeats the purpose I have of actually learning from my experiences: it is a limited learning someone gets from just themselves. Getting feedback helps more than you might think. Truth.
--Nor did I write it in an attempt to show my "sensitive side" in order to pick up women; that would be playing for pity, given the context of the note. I have a sensitive side, but I don't want pity; I want people to see Truth (at least, Truth as I see it). I also want to let it be known that not all guys are shambling, unfeeling, unthinking cavemen (did you get that far either?). Truth.
--I also believe that maybe (just maybe) my own ramblings could actually prove to be of use to someone else. I flatter myself to think I'm rather perceptive, and that I can say what needs to be said; if that helps someone who reads my note, then I count my work as a success. Truth.
******************************
That's about it for my little soapbox speech. Take it or leave it and my last note as you will. That is up to you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So there you have it; that's basically what's been going through my head for the last few days or so. It's just a barrel of laughs up here. At least I should be home in about three weeks for a while. I wonder how that's going to be?