(no subject)
ive been remembering. i guess remembering in terms of reading. i went through my old journal entries, like i so love to do, and remembered different stages in my life. the last 2 years have been monumentally formative for me. i remember when i was little, staring into the mirror, and thinking, "i wonder what i'll look like when im a grown up?" and my mom would answer, "you'll look like you." i never really accepted that as truth. i always just assumed that somewhere in there some huge transformation would conspire and my hair would suddenly go bright red, freckles would spread across my nose and cheeks and i'd be covered in tattoos. well, i suppose the last thought is well on its way, but i dont plan on a full covered body. but now, i think, ive reached adulthood. and even though ive been maintaining that for the past few years, i guess now i just feel like this is what ill look like; this is how ill BE. but i still, somewhere in the recesses of my brain, feel like once i get married and have kids, ill look different. sport that mom-do and wear button up shirts and capri pants, and drive a smart family sedan with a spacious back seat.
i remember the first week kyle moved to school last year. last year was so much different than this is, in so many ways. i remember sitting on the balcony with my computer and a pack of cigarettes, talking to him, talking to britani, and wondering what it would be like if i moved to chicago. i remember a fight ensuing, and my saying if i moved to chicago kyle and i would be done, and he refused to agree to that. he knew then, when i didnt, that the distance wasnt going to be as big of a deal. when i was looking into the future then (which im sitting in now), i wasn't seeing so many weekends that kyle would come home or i'd visit him illegally in his apartment. i just figured i would be left alone to rot in my bedroom and no one would remember me. im truly beginning to see the end, now. there is light at the end of the tunnel and that light is beautiful. im seeing kyle being home for a week in november, and soon after that, more weeks in december. im seeing a spring break, and soon after, a graduation cap and gown. im seeing many home weekends in between and im seeing many more visits to greenville for me this summer. im not seeing much past the cap and gown because kyle won't allow me to see it, but that's only because things are hazy for him, too. and i guess thats good; its exciting, but at the same time, ive always been a planner. if i dont know what looms ahead of me, i get as anxious as a little squirrel trying to cross a busy freeway.
i also read about my supposed "finalized" move. and i realize how ridiculous it was to even imagine it. it wouldn't have worked; i would've been miserable. and i know that about myself now. its not that im completely content in my bedroom of 22 years, but im not thinking of ways to escape, either. it could truly be worse. im not only saving money, but i have the money to do things like take an extended weekend to go visit kyle and go to a museum on a day i'd have to work. it gives me the leeway to tell my work ive got a big life outside the walls of the cafe and im not afraid to refuse my presence for a day. it makes life so much easier. something in me snapped, and i truly do, do what i want.
heres to the future being the current state. and here's to the second future that holds kyle's and my home together. and babies. i want babies. but kyle's making me wait.
i remember the first week kyle moved to school last year. last year was so much different than this is, in so many ways. i remember sitting on the balcony with my computer and a pack of cigarettes, talking to him, talking to britani, and wondering what it would be like if i moved to chicago. i remember a fight ensuing, and my saying if i moved to chicago kyle and i would be done, and he refused to agree to that. he knew then, when i didnt, that the distance wasnt going to be as big of a deal. when i was looking into the future then (which im sitting in now), i wasn't seeing so many weekends that kyle would come home or i'd visit him illegally in his apartment. i just figured i would be left alone to rot in my bedroom and no one would remember me. im truly beginning to see the end, now. there is light at the end of the tunnel and that light is beautiful. im seeing kyle being home for a week in november, and soon after that, more weeks in december. im seeing a spring break, and soon after, a graduation cap and gown. im seeing many home weekends in between and im seeing many more visits to greenville for me this summer. im not seeing much past the cap and gown because kyle won't allow me to see it, but that's only because things are hazy for him, too. and i guess thats good; its exciting, but at the same time, ive always been a planner. if i dont know what looms ahead of me, i get as anxious as a little squirrel trying to cross a busy freeway.
i also read about my supposed "finalized" move. and i realize how ridiculous it was to even imagine it. it wouldn't have worked; i would've been miserable. and i know that about myself now. its not that im completely content in my bedroom of 22 years, but im not thinking of ways to escape, either. it could truly be worse. im not only saving money, but i have the money to do things like take an extended weekend to go visit kyle and go to a museum on a day i'd have to work. it gives me the leeway to tell my work ive got a big life outside the walls of the cafe and im not afraid to refuse my presence for a day. it makes life so much easier. something in me snapped, and i truly do, do what i want.
heres to the future being the current state. and here's to the second future that holds kyle's and my home together. and babies. i want babies. but kyle's making me wait.