a rant, rave, a ramble - again
i just want to rant cause i dont know how else to address all of the shit in my head right now.
im terrified. half to fucking death that i am going to end up hurt.
in the end - love. love is something stupendous. something that can raise you above the world and make you feel like you can conquer the whole macrocosm of existence. makes you feel like you are in control on life. and in the end - its the person you love that has all dominion over you. its them really that dictates whether you feel on top of the world or feel the world is on top of you.
right now - the weight of the universe is on me.
i dont know if i am just to scared of how past people have treated me. and how bad i have been hurt - and the fear of that terrible terrible feeling again. but is this not what he is scared of too? i guess. im fucking doubting him to hell and back. im scared he still loves dewey. he tells me he loves me.
yet i know just a few weeks ago he also loved him. and i know he still does. that is such an acrid pill to swallow. its something i cant deny however. but how do i live with this? the solidity of this reality.
lets be honest - love does not fade that rapidly. does love GROW that nimbly? can i love him after so little time - can he love ME?
im not sure. its an intimidating thought. this overwhelming, life encompassing feeling. its - its the kind of thing; if you’ve ever felt it - where you wake up the morning and think of the person. where you fall asleep thinking of them. where your goals in life unanticipatedly start to hammer around them. its a part of you that changes. from one moment to the next - whether it took you months to get there, or days, or years - it abruptly changes. you suddenly realize - I LOVE YOU. i just LOVE you.
fuck.
so the culmination of all this is - i love him. i think. so what now? do i move? do i leave all that i know to be close to him?
of course make the right choices and make /smart/ choices. but...
*sigh*
...
..
.
what about when a part of your heart tells you that his heart is not in it? what about the doubts and indecision? are they normal? i am not used to them. the only time i have been in love before i have known more than anything that /they/ loved me. loved me full heartedly. the loved me finitely. loved me completely and loved only me. and i was able to take that and run with it and i would never regret it. but i have doubts w/ richard. does he love me like that?
and if he does not? and if i learn its not what i feel - can i deal with it? of course in time i could i guess. better dealing with it now than later. hell i have dealt with dejection and disappointment before. i am no fan of it - but its not life ending.
- - what does not kill you makes you stronger - -
i heard a wise person once said.
whatever. its one of two things. i either jump into it with both feet or dont. i give it all my all or do not.
"and if it is meant to be, then it will".
im terrified. half to fucking death that i am going to end up hurt.
in the end - love. love is something stupendous. something that can raise you above the world and make you feel like you can conquer the whole macrocosm of existence. makes you feel like you are in control on life. and in the end - its the person you love that has all dominion over you. its them really that dictates whether you feel on top of the world or feel the world is on top of you.
right now - the weight of the universe is on me.
i dont know if i am just to scared of how past people have treated me. and how bad i have been hurt - and the fear of that terrible terrible feeling again. but is this not what he is scared of too? i guess. im fucking doubting him to hell and back. im scared he still loves dewey. he tells me he loves me.
yet i know just a few weeks ago he also loved him. and i know he still does. that is such an acrid pill to swallow. its something i cant deny however. but how do i live with this? the solidity of this reality.
lets be honest - love does not fade that rapidly. does love GROW that nimbly? can i love him after so little time - can he love ME?
im not sure. its an intimidating thought. this overwhelming, life encompassing feeling. its - its the kind of thing; if you’ve ever felt it - where you wake up the morning and think of the person. where you fall asleep thinking of them. where your goals in life unanticipatedly start to hammer around them. its a part of you that changes. from one moment to the next - whether it took you months to get there, or days, or years - it abruptly changes. you suddenly realize - I LOVE YOU. i just LOVE you.
fuck.
so the culmination of all this is - i love him. i think. so what now? do i move? do i leave all that i know to be close to him?
of course make the right choices and make /smart/ choices. but...
*sigh*
...
..
.
what about when a part of your heart tells you that his heart is not in it? what about the doubts and indecision? are they normal? i am not used to them. the only time i have been in love before i have known more than anything that /they/ loved me. loved me full heartedly. the loved me finitely. loved me completely and loved only me. and i was able to take that and run with it and i would never regret it. but i have doubts w/ richard. does he love me like that?
and if he does not? and if i learn its not what i feel - can i deal with it? of course in time i could i guess. better dealing with it now than later. hell i have dealt with dejection and disappointment before. i am no fan of it - but its not life ending.
- - what does not kill you makes you stronger - -
i heard a wise person once said.
whatever. its one of two things. i either jump into it with both feet or dont. i give it all my all or do not.
"and if it is meant to be, then it will".