probably the only REAL thing i have ever written. June 24th 2003. I was 17.
"Dear freinds and everyone who this may ever pertain to in my whole life, here is my heart i am giving it to you, please accept it graciously:
i have been thinking about a lot of things, my life, where its heading, whether i want it to change. i have come to the conclusion i do. i used to look out the window every morning see the sky and wondered what the fuck the point was of it all. why did i get up. the only thing i really got up for were you guys. everyone who has ever contributed anything to my life, it was all for you. mostly for one person in particular, you know who you are. However wierd or lesbianish this sounds...i will prolly always say you were my first love. Not in a romantic sense either, more in a spiritual sense. i have decided to accept things, things have changed this i know, it just took me a while to get back on my feet. but i still love and will always love the fire inside you that attracted me so much. So for you i dedicate most of this...i want you to be happy in whatever you do, i want you to shine, which i have always believed you will. I will never lose contact with you, at least i will try my hardest not to. You are too special. The times i had with you although i believe they are not over, were, for lack of a better word, fuckin awesome. I hope some day your life reaches that perfect grey you love so much, and stays that way, so you will be happy. As for all my other freinds, you guys really are great. as i said before, you got me out of bed in the morning, and you kept away the bad thoughts most of the time. For you and my family is why i decided to change. Whether my change dulled me or the way i percieve things is yet to be determined. I like to think i am more than a girl sitting in a car gossiping...but maybe i am not, the point is i have come to a place where i can accept that. I have finally discovered all the parts of me, that where aching to reveal themselves yet i couldn't tell because i was numbed by the situations of my life. They are at peace with one another, and i have found so many great people because of that. i have been able to foster so many great things, and relationships. I care about each one of you so much. I know this sounds like the most awful thing ever written and i will get bashed like whoa for it, but it was time for me to finally express how i actually felt to you guys. this is probably the first real journal entry i have ever written on here, so you best like it folks ;) It took a great person to help. and to end it all, i would like to give a FAT ASS list of shout outs to those who read my journal, and those who don't. what can i say i am in a fucking great mood."
i have been thinking about a lot of things, my life, where its heading, whether i want it to change. i have come to the conclusion i do. i used to look out the window every morning see the sky and wondered what the fuck the point was of it all. why did i get up. the only thing i really got up for were you guys. everyone who has ever contributed anything to my life, it was all for you. mostly for one person in particular, you know who you are. However wierd or lesbianish this sounds...i will prolly always say you were my first love. Not in a romantic sense either, more in a spiritual sense. i have decided to accept things, things have changed this i know, it just took me a while to get back on my feet. but i still love and will always love the fire inside you that attracted me so much. So for you i dedicate most of this...i want you to be happy in whatever you do, i want you to shine, which i have always believed you will. I will never lose contact with you, at least i will try my hardest not to. You are too special. The times i had with you although i believe they are not over, were, for lack of a better word, fuckin awesome. I hope some day your life reaches that perfect grey you love so much, and stays that way, so you will be happy. As for all my other freinds, you guys really are great. as i said before, you got me out of bed in the morning, and you kept away the bad thoughts most of the time. For you and my family is why i decided to change. Whether my change dulled me or the way i percieve things is yet to be determined. I like to think i am more than a girl sitting in a car gossiping...but maybe i am not, the point is i have come to a place where i can accept that. I have finally discovered all the parts of me, that where aching to reveal themselves yet i couldn't tell because i was numbed by the situations of my life. They are at peace with one another, and i have found so many great people because of that. i have been able to foster so many great things, and relationships. I care about each one of you so much. I know this sounds like the most awful thing ever written and i will get bashed like whoa for it, but it was time for me to finally express how i actually felt to you guys. this is probably the first real journal entry i have ever written on here, so you best like it folks ;) It took a great person to help. and to end it all, i would like to give a FAT ASS list of shout outs to those who read my journal, and those who don't. what can i say i am in a fucking great mood."