SCARED
I'm scared because i don't know what is to become of me.
My friends in Kentucky are drifting away.
People told me it would happen, i didn't believe them.
But, it's happening.
Iam living here with my mum and her fiance, we got our house all fixed up. only a couple boxes left to unpack.
My mum has these days where she just gets, wierd, hard to live with. Nick, her fiance, didn't know this.
I told him (warned actually) about her...days.
We were running errends today and mum was in her day. where she felt everyone was blaming her for everything. which was soo totally not the case. anyways, she and nick had a fight. it was weird, like he was tired being nice and taking all her crap. It sorta scared me in the beginning.
So, my mum and her fiance are in a fight which is gonig to last until...her moods are over, until the next one. And i don't think he can handle it, i hope he can, and does.
Cause if he can't, then, i will kill him.
I have thought about it before, he was the cause the big move and if he leaves the family, i will just flat out kill him, im a minor, plus i could get off with insanity.
I will reseach the whole murder and trial thing better if worse comes to worse.
Also, if he can't handle it, my mum will go into a deep deep depression, because she will think that she is unbearable and will die alone.
I hope she finds someone to die with, other then me.
The thing iam scared most of, if that saying "you will turn into your parents, it is enevitable"
That means iam gonig to also die alone, and if i have kid, i will ruin it's life, by craeting the path it is to follow like my mum has unwillfully done for me.
I hope it will end different, i dont think it will.
I try to have faith that it will all end up good, everyone will be happy. but, if i say that i have no doubt everything is gonig to be good, then iam lying. and lying that you have faith, and pretending you do...isnt that bad?
I dont know, i have to do something, i have to think fast abotu how they can rekindle their relationship, cause i dont want to kill nick, it could bemessy and blood makes me a throw up.
On the topic of rekindling relationships.
I think that a relationship i was in, or still am in, isn't going very good.
First of all i would like to clear up that there are many types of relationships, romantic and friendly.
What i can't figure is weather or not the one i am in, or was in, is/was romantic or just friendly...
The person i was 'with' (you could say) lives in kentucky and me in new york. so thats already a hard thing to deal with, becuase a big thnig in a relationship i physical contact. Which we dont have.
Also, I'm if you haven't noticed, a little psyco. and if i follow in the footsteps of my mother, then iam already doomed to ruin every romantic relationship i get into. So why even start one? it would be wasting the other persons time!
If i truly had feelnigs for the person should i just do what is best and keep distant, or try and change my path that i belive i will end up following no matter what?
(people's input would be really great at this point, iam open for any suggestions or anything)
The person that iam talking about, knows who he is.
I think.
He should.
anyways he sorta broke up with me, even though we wern't even dating. (hard to explain) and i might have mentioned somethnig to my 10 year old cousin, and then i also told him (to cover up from him thinking i was a complete loser) that the boy made up with me {this actually happened}.
And scotty, my 10 year old cousin, said "oh well thats simple, he dumped you, asked another girl out, she said NO, and then he resorted back to you"
you can imagine how that made me feel...AWFUL and DOUBTFUL.
Now iam just completelly confused, embarised, shocked, hurt, and incrediably EMO and SAD!
I don't know what to do.
Plus this boy was supposed to call me last night and didn't, now i am just totaly pissed, and i don't even want to bother with him anymore, but at the same time, i forgive him and want to make things up.
I read his Journal and he forgot to call cause he was on the phone with a girl, one of his friends i s'pose.
I'm too young to be dealing with all this, it is giving me wrinkles! damnit!
And i miss all my friends, and havent been keepnig in touch like i should be!
I'm sorry.
I have nothnig left to say.
someone took a sloo of pictures of me when i didnt know, and i just....i dont reconize myself anymore. Like, i dont look happy anymore. Which is also depressing.
Who am i turning into? Or is this the person i allways was? Im so confused.
I think this is what everyone talks about when they say that being a teenager is touch, wither that or Iam psyco, which we all know iam.
Oh well, iam leaving.
wont be on for a while.
or i might be.
Boy, you need to call me, otherwise, everything is gone. everything, we were and are.
~samantha~