wandering...
I'm sitting in Will's house. I am skimming thoughts and wandering off the edge of my conscious again and this post might wander a bit...
I feel disillusioned in the best way. I also feel lost and listless. I feel this strange pulling and I don't know where it's pulling me. I wonder if I'll find it or if I'll search for years without knowing where to look... no, what I really wonder is if I'll do everything I need to do, and if I'll be lonely or alone while I'm doing it. so far being on this trip has followed in the vein of bringing awareness to how autonomous and isolated I am. how few people I'm really close to and how often I do things by myself.
I met Sylvian. my perceptions, beliefs and feelings about Will and the parts of my life that have been influenced by him all shifted over the past few days. I feel changed, free, almost. the giant knots of emotions and obsession that I carried with me as a teenager are all letting go... or, more aptly, I'm letting go of them. I've been staying at Will's since saturday night and I am almost ready to move on. in my feelings and priorities, as well as in my van. I don't yet have enough distance to see how things have really changed, but I can feel that they have.
I miss my cat. my dad says she's doing ok, she's eating, but that she runs whenever he comes near. I miss her like I can't even believe. her little paws and her face... her expressions and moods... *sigh* damn.
I feel listless and wandering... I feel directionless. now I am feeling sad about it, but it's not always a sad thing. I just wonder where I'm going or what I'm looking for.
I feel disillusioned in the best way. I also feel lost and listless. I feel this strange pulling and I don't know where it's pulling me. I wonder if I'll find it or if I'll search for years without knowing where to look... no, what I really wonder is if I'll do everything I need to do, and if I'll be lonely or alone while I'm doing it. so far being on this trip has followed in the vein of bringing awareness to how autonomous and isolated I am. how few people I'm really close to and how often I do things by myself.
I met Sylvian. my perceptions, beliefs and feelings about Will and the parts of my life that have been influenced by him all shifted over the past few days. I feel changed, free, almost. the giant knots of emotions and obsession that I carried with me as a teenager are all letting go... or, more aptly, I'm letting go of them. I've been staying at Will's since saturday night and I am almost ready to move on. in my feelings and priorities, as well as in my van. I don't yet have enough distance to see how things have really changed, but I can feel that they have.
I miss my cat. my dad says she's doing ok, she's eating, but that she runs whenever he comes near. I miss her like I can't even believe. her little paws and her face... her expressions and moods... *sigh* damn.
I feel listless and wandering... I feel directionless. now I am feeling sad about it, but it's not always a sad thing. I just wonder where I'm going or what I'm looking for.