written on May 25th at 3pm. intended to post but didn't, until now.
its been a long time since I did any writing. two of my instructors and my friend Phil have said to me, "you must be a writer because..." to which I reply, "no, I never write." oh... thats weird.
I feel like I have changed beyond what I was capable of. the person I am today is so different from the child or teenager I used to be. my twentieth birthday is tomorrow... I guess I'm still a teenager today, but I don't really feel like that. there is such a difference between the way I feel about myself and the chronological age attached to me, that turning twenty has become very surreal. what is this "age" stuff anyways...
I guess I'm doing pretty well, at least from the outside. I often can't really tell in myself how I'm doing, but if I were to look at me from the perspective of an aquaintance, I might be surprised at my life. I've been living in my own apartment for almost two years, I just got a new job at an italian restaurant after two days looking for a job, I just finished my second-to-last semester at Santa Rosa Junior College and I got all A's, I just got the doyle scholarship for the '05/'06 academic year in the amount of $1300 just because of my GPA, I've been with my beautiful transgendered girlfriend for almost seven months and she moved in with me in April, I'm relatively happy and not overly stressed out. life is good.
but listing these things makes my eye twitch. this appears superficial and overly successful. inside of my head there are many divided perspectives with their own twist on this life. something is not quite right, but its not surface enough to easily talk about.
things aren't all peachy... what am I going to do with my life? am I going to go traveling at the end of this summer, or am I going to stay here and finish school? am I going to be together with Mia for a long time or is our relationship drawing to a close? am I interested enough in anything to do it for the rest of my life? (or even to devote any time to it now.) wait a second... these things aren't so bad. I am actually doing pretty well. I'm just full of questions and uncertainties. things will be ok I think.
I'm thinking a lot about Peak Oil theory. I'm thinking a lot about having children. I'm thinking a lot about the people in my life I used to know/love. I'm thinking a lot about leaving the country, about growing older, about being human. that is one thing that hasn't changed, I still think a lot.
its strange, this "growing up" thing...
I feel like I have changed beyond what I was capable of. the person I am today is so different from the child or teenager I used to be. my twentieth birthday is tomorrow... I guess I'm still a teenager today, but I don't really feel like that. there is such a difference between the way I feel about myself and the chronological age attached to me, that turning twenty has become very surreal. what is this "age" stuff anyways...
I guess I'm doing pretty well, at least from the outside. I often can't really tell in myself how I'm doing, but if I were to look at me from the perspective of an aquaintance, I might be surprised at my life. I've been living in my own apartment for almost two years, I just got a new job at an italian restaurant after two days looking for a job, I just finished my second-to-last semester at Santa Rosa Junior College and I got all A's, I just got the doyle scholarship for the '05/'06 academic year in the amount of $1300 just because of my GPA, I've been with my beautiful transgendered girlfriend for almost seven months and she moved in with me in April, I'm relatively happy and not overly stressed out. life is good.
but listing these things makes my eye twitch. this appears superficial and overly successful. inside of my head there are many divided perspectives with their own twist on this life. something is not quite right, but its not surface enough to easily talk about.
things aren't all peachy... what am I going to do with my life? am I going to go traveling at the end of this summer, or am I going to stay here and finish school? am I going to be together with Mia for a long time or is our relationship drawing to a close? am I interested enough in anything to do it for the rest of my life? (or even to devote any time to it now.) wait a second... these things aren't so bad. I am actually doing pretty well. I'm just full of questions and uncertainties. things will be ok I think.
I'm thinking a lot about Peak Oil theory. I'm thinking a lot about having children. I'm thinking a lot about the people in my life I used to know/love. I'm thinking a lot about leaving the country, about growing older, about being human. that is one thing that hasn't changed, I still think a lot.
its strange, this "growing up" thing...