oooh a post.
Dear Jessica,
I miss you, can we be friends again?
I've been thinking about you a lot lately and I had a dream with you in it a couple of nights ago. in my dream these four guys had walked into my house and I couldn't get them to leave. then you busted in the door, glowing with this orange fire, and you scared them all away. I knew I was dreaming but I took the opportunity to look at you as though you were really there... I was able to see that I'm not angry any more and I'm sorry for any pain that I caused you. you were a really good friend to me and I have never known anyone like you. I don't want to lose you from my life over some drama bullshit where we stepped on each others toes. A lot has changed in my life over the past five months and I am ready to move on.
are you ready to let go of the events that put this chasm between us? will you be my friend again?
Love,
Malia
(PS I was going to call you but I chickened out... this is a sincere email and has all of the weight a phone call would have. I miss you and I want you back in my life. If you choose to get back to me, any medium would be appreciated.)
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this journal seems so outdated I have a hard time posting in it. I have had this screen name for almost 5 years... its relevance in my life is long gone.
I am busy, always busy. I am sometimes happy and sometimes sad. I am rarely alone anymore but I still often feel lonely.
I have had the same job for a year and a half and when I sit in that coffee shop it looks like a stage with props I know how to manipulate and use to my advantage. the dance steps are ingrained, worn into my muscles, my back, the floor. I am tired of this dance and yet value the finesse that I bring through my fluency. I am under-appreciated.
I am attending an institution of education. I am learning and being institutionalized. the other students form a wild tapestry of color and culture, they overwhelm my senses, I cant take it all in. and yet I recognize many people, they have been here as long/longer as I have. these faces I see in class, buying coffee, at the stop light, in the video store my girlfriend works at. friends of my friends of my friends but not ever really knowing anyone. I am experiencing this place as my town. its familiarlity sometimes sickens me. my classes are entertaining and informative- I feel that I am actually learning things.
my girlfriend is one of the most attractive people I have ever met. every time I look at her I get flutters in my stomach. our three month anniversary is February 3rd. sometimes she behaves as though she exists in her own little bubble. I pushed her, told her I felt she wasn't considering me. she was apologetic and (essentially) said she felt I was pushing to hard. now I don't know where to draw that line... what do I bring up? what is important? how much of a say do I have, can I have, in her life? is it too soon to know? I have many, many questions when it comes to Mia. sometimes the things she values are very far away from mine. these things are important and yet so often I look at her and throw it all out the window. I am head-over-heals in love.
I re-arranged my furniture, my bed now juts out into the center of the room instead of crouching in the corner. Mia sleeps in her own bed less then one day a week. its like she lives with me but she is still a guest. this is creating tension between us... I am not sure if she is aware of this. I'm not really sure what Mia is aware of.... I feel a lot like I'm waiting- waiting to find out where Mia is at, waiting for this semester to be over, waiting to go traveling, waiting to leave Santa Rosa/ California/ USA. how long will I wait? how can I justify waiting when I have the means to leave? what keeps me here? how is it that I degrade into questions every time I start writing?
I relate to my life as though suspended in liquid... slower response time. contemplation. floating. waiting...
I miss you, can we be friends again?
I've been thinking about you a lot lately and I had a dream with you in it a couple of nights ago. in my dream these four guys had walked into my house and I couldn't get them to leave. then you busted in the door, glowing with this orange fire, and you scared them all away. I knew I was dreaming but I took the opportunity to look at you as though you were really there... I was able to see that I'm not angry any more and I'm sorry for any pain that I caused you. you were a really good friend to me and I have never known anyone like you. I don't want to lose you from my life over some drama bullshit where we stepped on each others toes. A lot has changed in my life over the past five months and I am ready to move on.
are you ready to let go of the events that put this chasm between us? will you be my friend again?
Love,
Malia
(PS I was going to call you but I chickened out... this is a sincere email and has all of the weight a phone call would have. I miss you and I want you back in my life. If you choose to get back to me, any medium would be appreciated.)
-----------------------
this journal seems so outdated I have a hard time posting in it. I have had this screen name for almost 5 years... its relevance in my life is long gone.
I am busy, always busy. I am sometimes happy and sometimes sad. I am rarely alone anymore but I still often feel lonely.
I have had the same job for a year and a half and when I sit in that coffee shop it looks like a stage with props I know how to manipulate and use to my advantage. the dance steps are ingrained, worn into my muscles, my back, the floor. I am tired of this dance and yet value the finesse that I bring through my fluency. I am under-appreciated.
I am attending an institution of education. I am learning and being institutionalized. the other students form a wild tapestry of color and culture, they overwhelm my senses, I cant take it all in. and yet I recognize many people, they have been here as long/longer as I have. these faces I see in class, buying coffee, at the stop light, in the video store my girlfriend works at. friends of my friends of my friends but not ever really knowing anyone. I am experiencing this place as my town. its familiarlity sometimes sickens me. my classes are entertaining and informative- I feel that I am actually learning things.
my girlfriend is one of the most attractive people I have ever met. every time I look at her I get flutters in my stomach. our three month anniversary is February 3rd. sometimes she behaves as though she exists in her own little bubble. I pushed her, told her I felt she wasn't considering me. she was apologetic and (essentially) said she felt I was pushing to hard. now I don't know where to draw that line... what do I bring up? what is important? how much of a say do I have, can I have, in her life? is it too soon to know? I have many, many questions when it comes to Mia. sometimes the things she values are very far away from mine. these things are important and yet so often I look at her and throw it all out the window. I am head-over-heals in love.
I re-arranged my furniture, my bed now juts out into the center of the room instead of crouching in the corner. Mia sleeps in her own bed less then one day a week. its like she lives with me but she is still a guest. this is creating tension between us... I am not sure if she is aware of this. I'm not really sure what Mia is aware of.... I feel a lot like I'm waiting- waiting to find out where Mia is at, waiting for this semester to be over, waiting to go traveling, waiting to leave Santa Rosa/ California/ USA. how long will I wait? how can I justify waiting when I have the means to leave? what keeps me here? how is it that I degrade into questions every time I start writing?
I relate to my life as though suspended in liquid... slower response time. contemplation. floating. waiting...