oh angst, oh misery, oh my dark dark heart (Malia, you're a pathetic piece of shit)
hmm, I guess I'm having a bad time again. damn cycles, I hate you! I hate too, how sometimes the solution is so easy... right there in front of me even, yet I still do not take action. instead I moan and wail and sob rather then stepping through the fucking door. GODDAMN!! there is nothing more frustrating to me then myself [why am I so caught?]. my mother offers assistance... but no, I must do it myself. why so independent?! I do notice that the only way through the door is to step through myself... there is no being dragged into higher consciousness.
my possessions are my vice, my crutch, my excuse, and my escape. today I wish I could walk away from all of them. pack a small bag, put my cat on my shoulder and just walk away. ahh, but notice how my problems are all so internal! there is no escape, they are enmeshed in the very fabric of my psyche. GODDAMN! I hate being able to see my own folly. I hate that my sight does nothing to change my actions... instead I am caught in the cognitive dissonance of my own hypocrisy. but why?!
I hate/love how much potential I have. so much wasted potential... but so much used for betterment too! ahhhh.... so, whats stopping me? what holds me back from being the person I really want to be? why does everything get me so much sometimes? why are there always more questions than answers? ("I'm tired of whys choking on whys, I just need a little because because..." -Fiona Apple)
I think its possible that my loneliness and isolation are causing me the distress I am in. but then I think that I should be able to function regardless of the outside circumstances.... so what I'm lonely, that's no excuse for not accomplishing things.
fuck, I feel so dirty. my life, my body, my things, my thoughts, are all covered in the thin film of filth. I want to purge and cleanse and rejuvenate but no, I am caught! I am trapped in my filth, almost as though I was sleeping in my own excrement. now isn't that fucking nice. Malia, you are so full of crap its a wonder your eyes aren't brown. jeeze Malia, cant you just function for once? god damn Malia, cant you just FUCKING EVOLVE!?
so lost... so hypocritical... (so pathetic).
my possessions are my vice, my crutch, my excuse, and my escape. today I wish I could walk away from all of them. pack a small bag, put my cat on my shoulder and just walk away. ahh, but notice how my problems are all so internal! there is no escape, they are enmeshed in the very fabric of my psyche. GODDAMN! I hate being able to see my own folly. I hate that my sight does nothing to change my actions... instead I am caught in the cognitive dissonance of my own hypocrisy. but why?!
I hate/love how much potential I have. so much wasted potential... but so much used for betterment too! ahhhh.... so, whats stopping me? what holds me back from being the person I really want to be? why does everything get me so much sometimes? why are there always more questions than answers? ("I'm tired of whys choking on whys, I just need a little because because..." -Fiona Apple)
I think its possible that my loneliness and isolation are causing me the distress I am in. but then I think that I should be able to function regardless of the outside circumstances.... so what I'm lonely, that's no excuse for not accomplishing things.
fuck, I feel so dirty. my life, my body, my things, my thoughts, are all covered in the thin film of filth. I want to purge and cleanse and rejuvenate but no, I am caught! I am trapped in my filth, almost as though I was sleeping in my own excrement. now isn't that fucking nice. Malia, you are so full of crap its a wonder your eyes aren't brown. jeeze Malia, cant you just function for once? god damn Malia, cant you just FUCKING EVOLVE!?
so lost... so hypocritical... (so pathetic).