I lose.
I lost it... I lost myself. somehow I allowed myself to believe that intimacy means something.... that I wasn't just one of many.... but I am, and I stooped that low and I compromised what is ok with me to do something that isn't... all the while only believing myself.... though clearly I was always mistaken and simply choosing to believe (self created) lies. I have never felt so gross.
on the other hand, last night I did something I have thought about many many times... and, it was wonderful. I was happy. it was the best night of my life. I do, however, feel like I have tainted my perception since then and can no longer experience the memories with joy. that's bullshit.
unfortunately because I have surrounded myself with this situation, it is everywhere. I am so lonely and so sad right now but everyone that I have that comfortable peaceful sleep feeling with are sleeping together and thus I don't feel the comfort or peace. I wish I had someone to talk to, to hang out with, to cuddle with, to just be forward with. fuck these games, I hate it- this entire situation brings me nothing but pain (because that is how I happened to set it up).
I guess this is a low moment.
(also, I would like to state for the record that I think its pretty fucked up that my best friends cant choose for themselves to not cause me pain. like, obviously I don't have the option of saying, "don't do this," because its not my place. however, it seems to me that people who actually cared about me would not continue to perpetuate a little fun for themselves at the expense of my sanity. I would appreciate it if someone else had a little respect for once. -on the other hand, because I have no place saying this, the only way that is going to happen and still work out is if they choose it of there own volition and that wont happen, as is already established. do you think maybe I'm just too sensitive?)
on the other hand, last night I did something I have thought about many many times... and, it was wonderful. I was happy. it was the best night of my life. I do, however, feel like I have tainted my perception since then and can no longer experience the memories with joy. that's bullshit.
unfortunately because I have surrounded myself with this situation, it is everywhere. I am so lonely and so sad right now but everyone that I have that comfortable peaceful sleep feeling with are sleeping together and thus I don't feel the comfort or peace. I wish I had someone to talk to, to hang out with, to cuddle with, to just be forward with. fuck these games, I hate it- this entire situation brings me nothing but pain (because that is how I happened to set it up).
I guess this is a low moment.
(also, I would like to state for the record that I think its pretty fucked up that my best friends cant choose for themselves to not cause me pain. like, obviously I don't have the option of saying, "don't do this," because its not my place. however, it seems to me that people who actually cared about me would not continue to perpetuate a little fun for themselves at the expense of my sanity. I would appreciate it if someone else had a little respect for once. -on the other hand, because I have no place saying this, the only way that is going to happen and still work out is if they choose it of there own volition and that wont happen, as is already established. do you think maybe I'm just too sensitive?)