I have a feeling this is going to be a long one.
I hate mother's day. I really do. It's just a stark reminder of what I don't have. After a horrifically stressful weekend back at the fam's house, I realized I *had* to purchase something for mother's day. Now should I have to? No. She's not REALLY a mother. I've fought for years and years to just find ONE redeeming quality about her. They say in church and stuff that you have to love everyone. There's always some good in everyone and once you find that, you just have to cling to it and every time you get upset just focus on that one thing and just love that. Me? I can't find it. Nobody can. I've prayed and prayed and prayed so hard to just find that SOMETHING, ANYTHING to love and it's just not there. Through and through, she's a despicable human being. She's entirely selfish, destructive and unbearable. She has singlehandedly torn apart my family. She's turned my father into a veritable basketcase and had her own little part in the destruction of each of her children's self esteem through adolescence. Luckily, for the most part, my brother and I seem to have grown out of it.
So, I bought her some flowers. I tried to get her a card and I fought between choking back tears and vomit as I read each card. Card after card, I read the sentiments that other daughters can have for their mothers and I got jealous. After about 15 cards, I gave up. I looked at my little brother and said "I can't do it." He grabbed my hand and said, "I know. It's ok. You never were any good at lying."
And that's what it would be...a lie. If I gave her a card expressing sentiments of "thanks for always being there" or "you're the best" or "I don't know where I'd be without you"...it would be a lie. She's not there. She never has been and it would be false for me to claim that she had done anything but hurt me for the past 23 years. Spending time after time taking the pill bottles from her, screaming and yelling at her to just stop and leave us all alone, dumping the alcohol down the drain, pleading with her to please be normal, be there for me, for my brother, for any of us...
My wedding day is drawing closer and closer and she doesn't want any part of it. I have two showers next weekend and she doesn't want to come. All these events just make it harder and harder for me to realize how alone I really am in all of this. I'm tired of planning this all on my own. We should have eloped. I'm starting to feel like a burden on my friends. Jared and I are fighting a lot and I don't know why. I guess it's normal to bicker a lot coming up to your wedding, but it really makes me nervous. Every time I visit my parents I wonder "what happened?" and what's to say that the same thing won't happen to Jared and me 20 years down the road? Surely they loved each other at some point. Surely at some point they were just as happy and ambitious as we are.
I worry that we'll end up unhappy. I'm worried that after 2 years of being apart, we'll live together and it will be weird. I worry that my friends won't want to hang out with me anymore because I'm married. I worry that I'm not going to like sex or not be any good at it and he'll resent me for it. I worry that I'll let him down. I worry that what my mom has is genetic and a few years down the road I'll ruin my family the way she's ruined ours. I worry about getting pregnant too soon because I know right now I'd be a terrible mother. I worry that my worrying will destroy us.
Maybe I'm PMSing or maybe I'm turning into a bridezilla, but either way...this is a rough day. I want a massage, a hug and a bottle of wine.
Jared...I wish you were here...