can't sleep
well i was trying to sleep and keep my mind off the slience when i started thinking about [c****]. people who are the closest to me know who he is. i got to wondering why he did what he did. when "it" happened, it felt so right, but the week later he lied to my face and denied the whole thing had ever happened. if there was one thing i would ask him is how can he get up every morning without thinking of the peoples' lives he ruined. especially mine, and how he can use people and spit them out without even thinking. he made me cut and try to kill myself, and if he knew, he would more than likely not care. i was such a dumb fuck for doing what i did, and i don't regret doing it, oh no, only who i did it with. all i want is to know that he understands he ruins lives, and i'll be happy, hell, i'd be happy if i could even speak a sentence to him that didn't go in one ear and out the other. i want to call him but then again i don't, my ranting on the phone isn't worth it, so i'll just rant online for all of you who don't care either.
i've just got the urge to cut, but i've misplaced my boxcutter. isn't that just a bunch of shits and giggles..boxcutter has the word "cutter" in it. i apologize for my cynical-ness, but i just want him to understand how i feel. maybe if i send a vile of my blood to him then he'll know...then he'll see my emotions in liquid form. last summer we used to talk every week. god the shillings i'd pay to have those memories removed, because apparently, they mean nothing to both of us anyways.
olivia and i need to talk about him, it's been a neglected topic and since we both have ties to him, it would make me feel better to talk about it, to talk to someone who doesn't think i'm crazy *note: olivia thinks i'm crazy in all other departments accept this person* the one thing i'd ask olivia is why she would still be friends with him after what he did to me, and what he did to her. if [c****] used her, i would not only stay away from him, i would give him a piece of my already small mind, not that i would waste my precious brain capacity on someone with none at all. i guess i love my friends more than they can ever know, more than they would ever care about.
god where is my fucking razor....i really wonder what i did with it, if i ever even took it out of my hiding spot in my suitcase. oh well..olivia needs to know that i'll love her as a friend no matter what, and i'd die for her, but sometimes her and everyone else makes me think they wouldn't return the favor.
"i'm standing on your roof now, i'm breaking down your walls now, i'm begging for you..please let me in"-a piece of a poem i wrote for him. i didn't write it ABOUT him..i wrote it for him..i guess i'll post another one about him because i can't find the rest of it, it's not like this entry is long enough, so i'll put it behind a cut (oh great..the "C" word popped up again). sorry this entry is so long, i can't help it...good day.
I was lost in your arms
Every moment we were together was too short
Every moment we were apart was too long
I count the time since I've talked to you
And the time until we'll talk again
I know it's against my mind to love you
But it's true in my heart
The sunny days we spent together are long gone
And so are you
You got what you wanted from me
You made me worthless
I'd kill you for what you've done
But you mean too much to me
All I want is to be with you
While all I want is to hate you
I know that we'll never talk again
Maybe it's for the best
I'll still count the time until that day
You were the best thing to ever happen to me
My blood spills on the floor
Only for you