oh, everything. always everything.

[punkpixie108]

the february false hope lured me in--
as soon as i started to think that spring
might come early, come crashing through the trees,
it snowed, snowed, snowed all over the place.

i watched it start from the library balcony,
slow and coiling through the space between
up and down. and it was such a beautiful
defeat that i didn't even mind.

february, classically, is the hardest month.
the month of cleansing, the month of
incalculable hurt. but we're halfway through
it-- and for the first time, i feel like
i've got it right. every hurt sustained
has been a blessing, a movement toward
this purification i've had only the slightest
idea of for years.

this thing that's been
slowly forming in my mind. this process
that's taken years and years to play out.
i am nowhere near close to the end.
i never will be. and that's the most incredible
thing. it's not the goal that matters, it's not
that something. it's the desire,
the drive, the constant struggle, the groping
in the dark, the movement toward that matters.