A song to sing when I'm lonely
Another day down...and probably thousands more to go. I can't believe it is Thursday already, but I am really ready for Friday night to come around and basically the whole end of the week. On Friday I plan to go to the movies with one of my friends, which is exciting, seeing that the majority of my life is boring and lacks any type of excitement. Lately I feel like I just have no say in my life. I feel as if I am stuck here in the middle of everything and everyone but me is calling the shots. I have no say in getting what I want and having my needs fulfilled. I feel like my life should not be this way.
I feel like I need more attention and I am just sick of living this life where I am in one place being told how my life is going to go all of the time and always being the victim of people making things up, when in reality they never do make any of what they do up. You can't make up for lost time. You cannot tell someone you are doing one thing, and then not and expect to get that time back. You just can't. Making up for things would be like sending them a card to tell them you are sorry you didn't come through or bringing them a little bouquet of flowers with a note that says you are always thinking about them. Most of the time, people don't really make up anything. They just go on with life having to say "I will make it up to you" forever. I wish my life wasn't that way.
I wish I didn't have so many IOUs in my basket. I just feel like at 22, I am missing something that I need. I need to feel important and I need to feel like I am more than a convenience for people. For instance, in a relationship, I don't want to be stuck alone for days on end and only get one day of someone's time. That isn't a relationship that fulfills needs. I am just becoming so frustrated with everyone else's needs being met and mine not. I feel selfish for saying so, but I just feel this way. I can't hide it. I feel as if I can basically call myself "alone." I do the majority of things alone and a big chunk of my day consists of me being by myself, not talking to anyone.
Oh yay, I get a half-hour phone call once a day...oh yay, I get to spend 14% of my week with someone (if you broke it down into hours it would be less), and oh yay...I just need to feel like I am complete in so many more ways than I am right now. I feel like there are all of these components and I am struggling to get them filled. I need and want so much...I just go to bed and wake up feeling so lonely and sad. I want my life to be normal. I am happy sometimes, but the mere thought of what I have to put up with and what I have to go through just to live my life the way it is right now makes me upset. The whole thing is depressing and the thoughts make the tears well-up. Not like that would change anything...and not like telling anyone would change anything either.
Whatever I wrote right now would probably just automatically put words in my mouth and make certain people feel bad, but this is me...right now at 10:56pm on 10/04/05. This is me, getting my feelings out. This is me telling the people close to me that all I want is a little fucking time and some more attention than I am getting. I am sick of all of the reasons why people can't and never hearing why they can.
I feel like I need more attention and I am just sick of living this life where I am in one place being told how my life is going to go all of the time and always being the victim of people making things up, when in reality they never do make any of what they do up. You can't make up for lost time. You cannot tell someone you are doing one thing, and then not and expect to get that time back. You just can't. Making up for things would be like sending them a card to tell them you are sorry you didn't come through or bringing them a little bouquet of flowers with a note that says you are always thinking about them. Most of the time, people don't really make up anything. They just go on with life having to say "I will make it up to you" forever. I wish my life wasn't that way.
I wish I didn't have so many IOUs in my basket. I just feel like at 22, I am missing something that I need. I need to feel important and I need to feel like I am more than a convenience for people. For instance, in a relationship, I don't want to be stuck alone for days on end and only get one day of someone's time. That isn't a relationship that fulfills needs. I am just becoming so frustrated with everyone else's needs being met and mine not. I feel selfish for saying so, but I just feel this way. I can't hide it. I feel as if I can basically call myself "alone." I do the majority of things alone and a big chunk of my day consists of me being by myself, not talking to anyone.
Oh yay, I get a half-hour phone call once a day...oh yay, I get to spend 14% of my week with someone (if you broke it down into hours it would be less), and oh yay...I just need to feel like I am complete in so many more ways than I am right now. I feel like there are all of these components and I am struggling to get them filled. I need and want so much...I just go to bed and wake up feeling so lonely and sad. I want my life to be normal. I am happy sometimes, but the mere thought of what I have to put up with and what I have to go through just to live my life the way it is right now makes me upset. The whole thing is depressing and the thoughts make the tears well-up. Not like that would change anything...and not like telling anyone would change anything either.
Whatever I wrote right now would probably just automatically put words in my mouth and make certain people feel bad, but this is me...right now at 10:56pm on 10/04/05. This is me, getting my feelings out. This is me telling the people close to me that all I want is a little fucking time and some more attention than I am getting. I am sick of all of the reasons why people can't and never hearing why they can.