(no subject)
so yea. i honestly never thought that i would write in this thing again. i guess i know that no one will read it so i dont feel so badly posting in it. i feel as though i have been had. by friends by life by boys. first off. i feel as though my friends have distanced themselves away from me because i have gotten a new boy in my life. maybe its me who distanced myself from them, un-intentionally. i do that a lot. i try and find someone who cares about me so i the minute i do. i somehow abandon my friends. i feel like shit. i feel like im being like pilver. which i never intended to do. the entire day i have been depressed just feeling like shit just waiting for the day where i dont mind anymore. i feel like i want to run away. just go somewhere, somewhere else. to think. when i try to talk to people about things it doesnt seem to matter. like....what i say makes people angry. or they are just aggrivated while talking to me. i guess things are just getting to me. with work and everything. i keep working so hard to try and do well. i feel like i am failing all of the time. this is a job i really want. i have really worked hard to get and keep. i feel like i am a constant disappointment to juris. and i hate it. i work hard. so fucking hard. and notes keep being left on the time clock that i feel are directed towards me. i know they probably arent but i cant help but feel that way. i cant read him and its driving me insane. im moving out of my house soon. and i cant wait. its with jennine rob and dan. it should be nice. ill be living next to mary ellen and the girls. i am sure my dad will like that idea because i will be keeping an eye out on them. i feel as though the past couple weeks with j. were just a hoax. i know it sounds stupid. but i just have this feeling. i really like him a lot, so its obviously bound to not work. i know being a pessimist is a bad way to start things. but yesterday morning i got the "ill call you". and he hasnt called. i told him about my whole liking to hear from him everyday thing. and he said that was fine and that it didnt bother him. i explained how i am insecure. i have been hurt, lied to fucked with. and the rest. he told me about how he has done some bad things in the past. all i was thinking about was. wow its so nice that he is taking me to a bruins game. im going to stop complaining. i am just worried. i hate being worried. argh.