(no subject)
I'm just trying to breathe at this point, and even that has been very trying. I feel sick to my stomach, which is generally typical for me but for once it's not my stupid body's fault. I heard a song today and some of the lyrics went, "The quiet scares me because it screams the truth". Oh how true that is... that is why I stay up so god damn ridiculously late every night, I'm terrified of the moments when I'm laying in the silence before I fall asleep, when I have no choice but to think about the things going on in my life. Those are the most painful moments of my day/night/consciousness. It's 3 am and I've been running on less than 3 hours of sleep since 8 am yesterday. I try to keep myself busy until I am literally passing out in the middle of whatever I am doing, just so I can skip over all of the awfulness.
I really would enjoy it if I could go a day without regurgitating something. Or having my entire intestinal track going into ridiculously painful spasms leading to me crying in the fucking bathroom. I really don't know how much longer I can deal with this shit. Fuck and now I need to figure out how I'm going to get enough money to pay my student loan bills. I really can't fucking do this anymore. I have too much shit to deal with and I have to try to do it while I'm completely and totally devastated. Somehow it's all my fault though. Every single aspect of it. I just have to make stupid choices and make my life difficult and set myself up for pain in every way.
I really would enjoy it if I could go a day without regurgitating something. Or having my entire intestinal track going into ridiculously painful spasms leading to me crying in the fucking bathroom. I really don't know how much longer I can deal with this shit. Fuck and now I need to figure out how I'm going to get enough money to pay my student loan bills. I really can't fucking do this anymore. I have too much shit to deal with and I have to try to do it while I'm completely and totally devastated. Somehow it's all my fault though. Every single aspect of it. I just have to make stupid choices and make my life difficult and set myself up for pain in every way.