dead goldfish day
i'll just start at the begining of the day and coincidentally the begining of the worst day ever.
so i got up, and i could feel it was going to be a shit day. i ran out of foundation, i fucked my mascara up like 98364123497 times and in the end i thought fuck it, there's no one to look good for anyway. after my dad left, i went upstairs and i had stupid fight with my mum because i missed the bus, but all of the sudden it was about how she tiptoes around me so i don't explode and i don't even notice. sorry mother. i didn't realise you refered to me as a deadly weapon now.
so i got to school and chilled for a bit, but then soon enough break came around and it was obvious as soon as me, erika, and mimi sat down that natania and johanna didn't want to be anywhere near us. by the end of break, it was getting really catty and erika ended up shouting again and crying.
in the period between break and lunch, me, katie, erika and mimi squatted on the floor of the girls' bathrooms.
at lunch, not much was said between johanna, natania, and the rest of us. there was a little bit of scrapping occaisionally but not much. i don't like the fact that we're pretty cut up about it and johanna they don't seem to even care...a few months ago they were our best friends, a part of us and our lives...now they seem to be the enemies. after sitting at the lunch table, me, erika, saurabh, mimi, and max, went for a smoke off of the school campus, but i doubt i'll do that again...too risky, and the teachers seem to watch our group of friends like hawks.
so then the rest of the day went pretty smoothly. while walking to math, johanna walked by me and erika and attempted an evil look, which was hilarious..and if that wasn't enough, as soon as she had walked by, ali beiner opened his locker and everything fell out..then, in a fit of hysterics, i dropped my calculater and it fell apart. erika found this, extremly amusing and just looking at her face, made me laugh. she looked some what canstipated.
i feel the same as i did just before spring break, just as things were starting to get better, they end up falling apart again and i'm lost. i remember rididng on the u - bahn to school because i'd skipped the first 4 periods or so, and just thinking "what the fuck is the point now? i wish everything would end" right then at that moment in time, i wouldn't have given a shit if someone killed me. i would never commit suicide or anything...i don't have the courage to do it, and would probably be to lazy to anyway, but i was just so exhausted and sick of life, if it had ended i would have been releived. after that things started to improve slightly, and then i get caught for stealing. after that things went back to the way they were before, and thats when i went to the youth hostel after an incident in the airport i'd rather not discuss. i came back to germany, and about half way through my first day back at school, i thought "fuck it, i've had enough". so things went well. now i feel like i'm slipping again. i haven't talked to my dad in about 6 weeks now, i feel every relationship of mine falling apart, and my school is once again suffering, even though it hasn't began to show yet.
i was listening to the r.e.m album 'automatic for the people' on the bus, and the song 'everybody hurts' came on. i felt a tear drop and i knew things were fucking up.
i haven't thought so much about this whole situation with johanna and natania, except for how girly it is. then, in the car back to my house, my mum told me the goldfish i won in a fair 10 years ago, died today. I didn't think much about it at first, but when i did after i got really upset. I thought that fish was indestructable...for a goldfish to live for 10 years is amazing, and i suppose i never htought it would die. this got me thinking about other stuff...i never thought i would seperate from my friends, but i have. and now erika is leaving in less then two months to go back to america, and it's just hit me. it hurts. next year nothing is going to be worth staying for...no one is going to be here that truely understands me, which is almost no one, and i've already fucked up my reputation at the school.
i'm so upset now. i've lost a good friend of mine, and nothing is how it should be.
god, i had a feeling this entry would leave me in tears
xx
so i got up, and i could feel it was going to be a shit day. i ran out of foundation, i fucked my mascara up like 98364123497 times and in the end i thought fuck it, there's no one to look good for anyway. after my dad left, i went upstairs and i had stupid fight with my mum because i missed the bus, but all of the sudden it was about how she tiptoes around me so i don't explode and i don't even notice. sorry mother. i didn't realise you refered to me as a deadly weapon now.
so i got to school and chilled for a bit, but then soon enough break came around and it was obvious as soon as me, erika, and mimi sat down that natania and johanna didn't want to be anywhere near us. by the end of break, it was getting really catty and erika ended up shouting again and crying.
in the period between break and lunch, me, katie, erika and mimi squatted on the floor of the girls' bathrooms.
at lunch, not much was said between johanna, natania, and the rest of us. there was a little bit of scrapping occaisionally but not much. i don't like the fact that we're pretty cut up about it and johanna they don't seem to even care...a few months ago they were our best friends, a part of us and our lives...now they seem to be the enemies. after sitting at the lunch table, me, erika, saurabh, mimi, and max, went for a smoke off of the school campus, but i doubt i'll do that again...too risky, and the teachers seem to watch our group of friends like hawks.
so then the rest of the day went pretty smoothly. while walking to math, johanna walked by me and erika and attempted an evil look, which was hilarious..and if that wasn't enough, as soon as she had walked by, ali beiner opened his locker and everything fell out..then, in a fit of hysterics, i dropped my calculater and it fell apart. erika found this, extremly amusing and just looking at her face, made me laugh. she looked some what canstipated.
i feel the same as i did just before spring break, just as things were starting to get better, they end up falling apart again and i'm lost. i remember rididng on the u - bahn to school because i'd skipped the first 4 periods or so, and just thinking "what the fuck is the point now? i wish everything would end" right then at that moment in time, i wouldn't have given a shit if someone killed me. i would never commit suicide or anything...i don't have the courage to do it, and would probably be to lazy to anyway, but i was just so exhausted and sick of life, if it had ended i would have been releived. after that things started to improve slightly, and then i get caught for stealing. after that things went back to the way they were before, and thats when i went to the youth hostel after an incident in the airport i'd rather not discuss. i came back to germany, and about half way through my first day back at school, i thought "fuck it, i've had enough". so things went well. now i feel like i'm slipping again. i haven't talked to my dad in about 6 weeks now, i feel every relationship of mine falling apart, and my school is once again suffering, even though it hasn't began to show yet.
i was listening to the r.e.m album 'automatic for the people' on the bus, and the song 'everybody hurts' came on. i felt a tear drop and i knew things were fucking up.
i haven't thought so much about this whole situation with johanna and natania, except for how girly it is. then, in the car back to my house, my mum told me the goldfish i won in a fair 10 years ago, died today. I didn't think much about it at first, but when i did after i got really upset. I thought that fish was indestructable...for a goldfish to live for 10 years is amazing, and i suppose i never htought it would die. this got me thinking about other stuff...i never thought i would seperate from my friends, but i have. and now erika is leaving in less then two months to go back to america, and it's just hit me. it hurts. next year nothing is going to be worth staying for...no one is going to be here that truely understands me, which is almost no one, and i've already fucked up my reputation at the school.
i'm so upset now. i've lost a good friend of mine, and nothing is how it should be.
god, i had a feeling this entry would leave me in tears
xx