You can leave your hat on
The Moore Moore Health Center 12 Step Program to Wellness:
1) Argue with the Nurse
Arguing with the nurse may be the most important aspect because upon arguing with the nurse, they realize that you mean business.
Scene:
"Oh, it's just a scrape!"
"It's green."
"Oh."
2) Demand Treatment
When you have a class in an hour and they try to tell you that other people got there first, remind them that you're hurt as a result of campus environment.
Scene:
"Well, they were here before you. I'm not sure if I can even get you in this afternoon."
"Oh. Well, I can't come back any other day of the week, so I guess I'll just go to an independant doctor and take that to the administration..."
"You know, we may be able to do something for you after all... have a seat in the waiting room and I'll get the paperwork started."
3) Take a nap in the Exam Room with a PAINED look on your face
When it seems that nobody believes you that you're in a lot of pain, ham it up. Also, try your best to make them feel bad about the fact that you might have to be late to class.
Scene:
"Hi, I'm Dr. Stupid."
"Oh, hi, I'm Meg" *pained look as you sit up* "Sorry, my knees are just killing me. Oh, and my forearm, careful, I fell on that, too."
"Oh, dear..."
4) Get a Lecture about how Dr. Stupid can't see through skin
Just sit there and give them the stupid look, I mean honestly-- I think I was like three when I figured out that people couldn't ACTUALLY see through things, much less SKIN.
Scene:
"Well, I don't have an X-Ray on site, and I can't see through skin, so I can't tell what's wrong with it"
*give stupid look*
"I mean, I can't tell you if anything's broken."
5) Deduct that you don't have a broken kneecap for Dr. Stupid
Sometimes doctors don't go to school in developed countries and don't understand the importance of something like the knee cap, and so you must educate them on the physiological importance of such.
Scene:
"I'm fairly certain it might hurt a bit if my kneecap were broken..."
"Yeah... maybe it's just fractured."
"I really don't think it's anything worse than just badly bruised."
"But how often do people bruise bones?"
6) Remind Dr. Stupid that you just need painkillers and gauze
Ditzes are people, too. Gently remind Dr. Stupid that you know what you need and that's the only reason you're going to pay her any money at all. Oh, wait, why the administration is going to pay you...
Scene:
"Look, really all I need is some pain medication because I have bad knees and I pretty much slammed them right in to the sidewalk."
"Hmmm, now where exactly did it hurt again?"
*try that stupid look again*
7) Remind Dr. Stupid where it hurts by pointing to the pussy bleeding scabs
Remember what we learned in step 6, that ditzes are people, too. Gently point out the problem areas to Dr. Stupid, trying not to point out that it's heinously obvious to a three year old that the black, blue, yellow, and purple bruises surrounding the scrapes hurt just a little bit.
Scene:
"Well, my knees, ankle, shin, and my forearms because I didn't have time to not break my fall with them."
"Wait, why don't you have scrapes on your arms?"
"Because I had my sweater on... now, look, see you can see the bruises right there."
8) Does this look infected to you?
This is where you sit back, relax, and let Dr. Stupid make an astonishing discovery...
Scene:
"Does this look infected to you?"
"Noo... my scrapes were always red around the edges the first couple days, it's fighting infection..."
"Hmm, maybe we should put you on antibiotics. How about penicillin?"
*try not to look pained-- we missed step 1.5 when I told them that absolutely no penicillin or augmentin could be anywhere near me*
9) Re-iterate the necessity of a pain medication
Try being a little more forceful this time around-- perhaps she missed the hint in step 7.
Scene:
"So, what can you give me for the pain?"
"Well, I could give you Motrin..."
"I'm on Ibuprofen and Aleeve and it doesn't work..."
"Oh, well other than that it gets in to the higher classes, Vicodin and Morphine..."
"Isn't there something that's stronger than Aleeve that won't make me sleepy?"
10) Get a lecture on the classes of painkillers. Yes, this requires painkillers to sit through.
Apparently someone with extensive injury history doesn't know a damn thing about painkillers even when they can tell you what makes them sick and what doesn't and knows the derivative of every painkiller Dr. Stupid's managed to come up with so far.
Scene:
"And then there's asprin, but nobody really uses that for pain anymore..."
*has nothing to say*
11) After waiting 15 minutes for Dr. Stupid to run off to never never land, and receiving a perscription for an almost obsolete antibiotic and only five days worth of the pain medication that had to be suggested, remind her that your knees are still open sores
That's right, we're back to trying to remind ourselves that ditzes are people, too. At this point, though, you're more inclined to believe that she really is just stupid and therefore deserves to die.
Scene:
(knees out straight on the exam table, completely exposed, pussing all over the place)
"Um, do you think I could get someone to bring some gauze in here?"
"oh, yes, we do need to do that, don't we?"
12) After repeatedly asking for gauze, roll your eyes and glare at the stupid, unhygenic nurse who brings bandaids
Gauze apparently isn't in the vocabulary of the Moore Moore staff. Neither is hygiene.
Scene:
(nurse takes off gloves post-antibiotic cream application, procedes to struggle with bandaids)
"Sorry, hon, I'm just trying not to touch you, I didn't wash my hands before I started this."
*stare in horror as she touches already infected open wound*
And this, my friends, is Moore Moore's 12 Steps to Wellness program. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have.
1) Argue with the Nurse
Arguing with the nurse may be the most important aspect because upon arguing with the nurse, they realize that you mean business.
Scene:
"Oh, it's just a scrape!"
"It's green."
"Oh."
2) Demand Treatment
When you have a class in an hour and they try to tell you that other people got there first, remind them that you're hurt as a result of campus environment.
Scene:
"Well, they were here before you. I'm not sure if I can even get you in this afternoon."
"Oh. Well, I can't come back any other day of the week, so I guess I'll just go to an independant doctor and take that to the administration..."
"You know, we may be able to do something for you after all... have a seat in the waiting room and I'll get the paperwork started."
3) Take a nap in the Exam Room with a PAINED look on your face
When it seems that nobody believes you that you're in a lot of pain, ham it up. Also, try your best to make them feel bad about the fact that you might have to be late to class.
Scene:
"Hi, I'm Dr. Stupid."
"Oh, hi, I'm Meg" *pained look as you sit up* "Sorry, my knees are just killing me. Oh, and my forearm, careful, I fell on that, too."
"Oh, dear..."
4) Get a Lecture about how Dr. Stupid can't see through skin
Just sit there and give them the stupid look, I mean honestly-- I think I was like three when I figured out that people couldn't ACTUALLY see through things, much less SKIN.
Scene:
"Well, I don't have an X-Ray on site, and I can't see through skin, so I can't tell what's wrong with it"
*give stupid look*
"I mean, I can't tell you if anything's broken."
5) Deduct that you don't have a broken kneecap for Dr. Stupid
Sometimes doctors don't go to school in developed countries and don't understand the importance of something like the knee cap, and so you must educate them on the physiological importance of such.
Scene:
"I'm fairly certain it might hurt a bit if my kneecap were broken..."
"Yeah... maybe it's just fractured."
"I really don't think it's anything worse than just badly bruised."
"But how often do people bruise bones?"
6) Remind Dr. Stupid that you just need painkillers and gauze
Ditzes are people, too. Gently remind Dr. Stupid that you know what you need and that's the only reason you're going to pay her any money at all. Oh, wait, why the administration is going to pay you...
Scene:
"Look, really all I need is some pain medication because I have bad knees and I pretty much slammed them right in to the sidewalk."
"Hmmm, now where exactly did it hurt again?"
*try that stupid look again*
7) Remind Dr. Stupid where it hurts by pointing to the pussy bleeding scabs
Remember what we learned in step 6, that ditzes are people, too. Gently point out the problem areas to Dr. Stupid, trying not to point out that it's heinously obvious to a three year old that the black, blue, yellow, and purple bruises surrounding the scrapes hurt just a little bit.
Scene:
"Well, my knees, ankle, shin, and my forearms because I didn't have time to not break my fall with them."
"Wait, why don't you have scrapes on your arms?"
"Because I had my sweater on... now, look, see you can see the bruises right there."
8) Does this look infected to you?
This is where you sit back, relax, and let Dr. Stupid make an astonishing discovery...
Scene:
"Does this look infected to you?"
"Noo... my scrapes were always red around the edges the first couple days, it's fighting infection..."
"Hmm, maybe we should put you on antibiotics. How about penicillin?"
*try not to look pained-- we missed step 1.5 when I told them that absolutely no penicillin or augmentin could be anywhere near me*
9) Re-iterate the necessity of a pain medication
Try being a little more forceful this time around-- perhaps she missed the hint in step 7.
Scene:
"So, what can you give me for the pain?"
"Well, I could give you Motrin..."
"I'm on Ibuprofen and Aleeve and it doesn't work..."
"Oh, well other than that it gets in to the higher classes, Vicodin and Morphine..."
"Isn't there something that's stronger than Aleeve that won't make me sleepy?"
10) Get a lecture on the classes of painkillers. Yes, this requires painkillers to sit through.
Apparently someone with extensive injury history doesn't know a damn thing about painkillers even when they can tell you what makes them sick and what doesn't and knows the derivative of every painkiller Dr. Stupid's managed to come up with so far.
Scene:
"And then there's asprin, but nobody really uses that for pain anymore..."
*has nothing to say*
11) After waiting 15 minutes for Dr. Stupid to run off to never never land, and receiving a perscription for an almost obsolete antibiotic and only five days worth of the pain medication that had to be suggested, remind her that your knees are still open sores
That's right, we're back to trying to remind ourselves that ditzes are people, too. At this point, though, you're more inclined to believe that she really is just stupid and therefore deserves to die.
Scene:
(knees out straight on the exam table, completely exposed, pussing all over the place)
"Um, do you think I could get someone to bring some gauze in here?"
"oh, yes, we do need to do that, don't we?"
12) After repeatedly asking for gauze, roll your eyes and glare at the stupid, unhygenic nurse who brings bandaids
Gauze apparently isn't in the vocabulary of the Moore Moore staff. Neither is hygiene.
Scene:
(nurse takes off gloves post-antibiotic cream application, procedes to struggle with bandaids)
"Sorry, hon, I'm just trying not to touch you, I didn't wash my hands before I started this."
*stare in horror as she touches already infected open wound*
And this, my friends, is Moore Moore's 12 Steps to Wellness program. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have.