Wounds, scars and the rush to forgiveness.
I live at the intersection of a lot of smallish and clannish communities, and I get to sit and talk in depth with people from wider society on a daily basis. I love listening to people, I love hearing about their lives and I spend a pretty decent amount of time in my head thinking over the conversations and observations. Something I notice a lot of is a premature rush to forgiveness. The staid old cliches of 'free rent in your head' and 'not giving them the satisfaction' come to mind and often to folks lips when they've been wronged. Blame is useless, trying to control someone else's actions pointless, letting what anyone has done to you hurt you is just giving them power.
I smell bullshit. If I have actually been emotionally vulnerable to someone and they have hurt me, no amount of mental gymnastics is going to make it all about my choice of reaction, especially if they knew better. My suspicion of what is going on is that, especially in a clannish little community, negative emotions are ugly, damaging, to be stuffed down, ignored, or rushed through. But trying to deny that someone's actions have caused emotional damage is like saying 'poof, i never actually cut my finger!' Damage happened and it sucks to admit someone had the power to reach in and change your emotional weather, but it happens. And sometimes it scars.
I can think my around the scars, I can weigh my part in the interaction, I can even try to ignore them, but I think it's foolish to do any of these things when those scars are part of my makeup now. I may have regrets that I let a damaging person in so much and really wish I could deny them the power of changing me, but that feels to me like denying reality. Rushing through or trying to change my bad reaction and feelings is more comfortable for everyone else, but how much of my own reality and learning does that deny me?
I have a grudging nature, I'm hard to get all the way to angry, but once I'm there you can bet it's going to last a good long while. Half the reason for that is my own part in it, which FAR too often comes from me trying to be forgiving and understanding, trying to ignore my scars that I won through hard learning. And then: more scars.
On a community-wide basis, this creates people who have little idea of their real impact on the emotions of others. They offend and are forgiven so quickly that it clearly must not be a big deal. so they take it a step further and so on. But it's soooo squirmy dealing with negativity! I want to be all about the love!!! You can't control people's actions! All of this is true, but my emotional scars show me where to draw boundaries, they show me how to set consequences. Experiencing my anger tells me how deep the damage is, and why I should be wary next time. It does make things harder. The person who has transgressed may never have transgressed against anyone else, it may only bother me, and everyone around me may be utterly confused about why I can't just let it go and get along like everyone else with this totally awesome person. And sometimes it would be a lot easier. But then I'm betraying myself and my experience; I'm not respecting my scars.
I smell bullshit. If I have actually been emotionally vulnerable to someone and they have hurt me, no amount of mental gymnastics is going to make it all about my choice of reaction, especially if they knew better. My suspicion of what is going on is that, especially in a clannish little community, negative emotions are ugly, damaging, to be stuffed down, ignored, or rushed through. But trying to deny that someone's actions have caused emotional damage is like saying 'poof, i never actually cut my finger!' Damage happened and it sucks to admit someone had the power to reach in and change your emotional weather, but it happens. And sometimes it scars.
I can think my around the scars, I can weigh my part in the interaction, I can even try to ignore them, but I think it's foolish to do any of these things when those scars are part of my makeup now. I may have regrets that I let a damaging person in so much and really wish I could deny them the power of changing me, but that feels to me like denying reality. Rushing through or trying to change my bad reaction and feelings is more comfortable for everyone else, but how much of my own reality and learning does that deny me?
I have a grudging nature, I'm hard to get all the way to angry, but once I'm there you can bet it's going to last a good long while. Half the reason for that is my own part in it, which FAR too often comes from me trying to be forgiving and understanding, trying to ignore my scars that I won through hard learning. And then: more scars.
On a community-wide basis, this creates people who have little idea of their real impact on the emotions of others. They offend and are forgiven so quickly that it clearly must not be a big deal. so they take it a step further and so on. But it's soooo squirmy dealing with negativity! I want to be all about the love!!! You can't control people's actions! All of this is true, but my emotional scars show me where to draw boundaries, they show me how to set consequences. Experiencing my anger tells me how deep the damage is, and why I should be wary next time. It does make things harder. The person who has transgressed may never have transgressed against anyone else, it may only bother me, and everyone around me may be utterly confused about why I can't just let it go and get along like everyone else with this totally awesome person. And sometimes it would be a lot easier. But then I'm betraying myself and my experience; I'm not respecting my scars.