due
sometimes when i drive around between destinations, i wonder what it's all for. the hustle and bustle that is. like today, i wonder about this in between trying to make out the backlit silhouette of overdue cherry blossoms against the sun as i drive, or getting sprinkled on by the rain in a 2-minute walk. i suppose it's to "make it" there. to say that yeah i made it... i've fulfilled my responsibility, then the next, and the next. but then what? so what...
thank god he gives me responsibilities. otherwise, without a doubt, i would not be here breathing still.
over the course of the last month or so, it became clear to me that i do not like being compared. there had been several instances coming from different sources. and though these comparisons made of me to someone else in their lives were set in a positive light, it all made me feel worthless and pathetic. there were absolutely no intention from these people of making me feel this way, but i cannot deny that it does. i feel somehow disposable and easily replaceable. it must sound really silly. there also have been times when i felt used, as a "filler" when people just want to hang out because they need to kill their time, or that they are bored, or when it's convenient only for them. it really doesn't matter whom they spend time with, as long as they find someone. suppose i am glad i was happy to fill in and help. but it makes me feel like a tool. most of the time i am already, but i don't need to feel more of being a tool constantly. i am disappointed. from these people, suppose i can only distance myself, and retreat.
...and become an asshole. because aren't we all just killing each other's time? if i adopt their mindset, won't i feel worlds better?
fortunately, during this time, i have gotten support from a few and i cannot be more thankful. they genuinely have shown me they care for my well-being and have been so selfless. they have followed up on my current pathetic rut. they have encouraged me to be better than i feel, to be better than i am. they have cared about what i am doing, my current responsibilities, have offered to help, have helped, have motivated me, have "cracked a whip", have played with me as a chance for me to escape, have discussed my future, encouraged my plans, ate with me, etc, etc. they made it a point to spend time with me because they cared to see me, and not simply fill a gap on their free day or night. they have asked why i want to become an asshole, have asked me not to become one, and have checked up on my worthless and pathetic mood because most of all, they don't ever want to see me depressed. these gestures have meant so very much.
this all sounds so ego-centric. but it all suddenly became clear to me for the second time in my life; who in my life cares for my well-being, and who is just out for their own benefit, because i might be useful, or i might provide an entertaining time for them.
i owe it to the people who love me to not treat others like they were too, fillers and disposable. even though i have lost so much faith already, and may begin to view everyone at a distance. thankfully, they have shown me that it's still okay to continue and put forth care/love for every person i come to know. this is what i have within me, at the very least, and i have to maintain my due. anyhow, i don't think i do enough of this giving myself, and i do hope on some level i reciprocate all of what they have given me, at one time or another. that, is the only place i care enough, to make it there.
thank god he gives me responsibilities. otherwise, without a doubt, i would not be here breathing still.
over the course of the last month or so, it became clear to me that i do not like being compared. there had been several instances coming from different sources. and though these comparisons made of me to someone else in their lives were set in a positive light, it all made me feel worthless and pathetic. there were absolutely no intention from these people of making me feel this way, but i cannot deny that it does. i feel somehow disposable and easily replaceable. it must sound really silly. there also have been times when i felt used, as a "filler" when people just want to hang out because they need to kill their time, or that they are bored, or when it's convenient only for them. it really doesn't matter whom they spend time with, as long as they find someone. suppose i am glad i was happy to fill in and help. but it makes me feel like a tool. most of the time i am already, but i don't need to feel more of being a tool constantly. i am disappointed. from these people, suppose i can only distance myself, and retreat.
...and become an asshole. because aren't we all just killing each other's time? if i adopt their mindset, won't i feel worlds better?
fortunately, during this time, i have gotten support from a few and i cannot be more thankful. they genuinely have shown me they care for my well-being and have been so selfless. they have followed up on my current pathetic rut. they have encouraged me to be better than i feel, to be better than i am. they have cared about what i am doing, my current responsibilities, have offered to help, have helped, have motivated me, have "cracked a whip", have played with me as a chance for me to escape, have discussed my future, encouraged my plans, ate with me, etc, etc. they made it a point to spend time with me because they cared to see me, and not simply fill a gap on their free day or night. they have asked why i want to become an asshole, have asked me not to become one, and have checked up on my worthless and pathetic mood because most of all, they don't ever want to see me depressed. these gestures have meant so very much.
this all sounds so ego-centric. but it all suddenly became clear to me for the second time in my life; who in my life cares for my well-being, and who is just out for their own benefit, because i might be useful, or i might provide an entertaining time for them.
i owe it to the people who love me to not treat others like they were too, fillers and disposable. even though i have lost so much faith already, and may begin to view everyone at a distance. thankfully, they have shown me that it's still okay to continue and put forth care/love for every person i come to know. this is what i have within me, at the very least, and i have to maintain my due. anyhow, i don't think i do enough of this giving myself, and i do hope on some level i reciprocate all of what they have given me, at one time or another. that, is the only place i care enough, to make it there.