losing faith
At certain points, we have to access our lives and determine what it is that's important. what it is that matters and what it is that excites us enough to live and plan for the future. although for a majority of my life, the pursuit of happiness was never in my radar, the desire for it creeped up a few years ago. mother theresa was a standard that i had set for myself and i worked on setting aside self-importance in becoming a better person, to serve others. obviously i was not mother theresa and felt dissatisfied with the path i had set. and in retreating on that ideal, i was very embarassed that i had failed. the reason/excuse was because i had to deal with myself, my depression, my family issues, before i could be something worthy for others. i had to be happy first, in order to externalize it as well. i suppose i never arrived there.
today i was reminded of the idea that "Happiness is not a destination, it is a manner of travel". i was also reminded when someone i know was ranting on their self-appearance and their unwillingness to date and face their opportunites. similarily, i am down on myself and i am unwillingness to be in the moment and face the world. my unwillingness and lack of strive makes me feel guilty because i have little intention to make something useful of myself. i might as well be dead. my only saving grace presently, is in knowing how blessed and lucky i am to be alive, comparitively to more unfortunate souls out there.
i attribute all of this to losing faith. in a matter of months, i have lost 90% of my faith, in a purpose for life, and most of all, in people i love and trust. the remaining 10% i feel is just waiting to be taken. i am at a point where i will be ok with what happens or what might happen to the connections i have or might make by default. i no longer try very hard to please and maintain my ties. the fear of knowing love is for a limited time only no longer exists. because i have come to know already. i am no longer afraid to lose. but i am sad. and i will be sad if or when that occurs again.
very little can affect me since i am so numb to all that is life. i am not proud of this. i feel so very first world. so very spoiled in the fact that i cannot embrace my life, my physical health and all that i have been given. this is a form of the depression that is so different from anything i've experienced before. it's something else entirely.
suppose i will continue to shop and buy things i don't need as distractions. i will buy coffee and sit for hours. i will have some drinks so i can sleep better at night. i will take my vitamins and painkillers to pass the day. all this just to tie me over, till i can figure out how to will my will into desiring life again.
today i was reminded of the idea that "Happiness is not a destination, it is a manner of travel". i was also reminded when someone i know was ranting on their self-appearance and their unwillingness to date and face their opportunites. similarily, i am down on myself and i am unwillingness to be in the moment and face the world. my unwillingness and lack of strive makes me feel guilty because i have little intention to make something useful of myself. i might as well be dead. my only saving grace presently, is in knowing how blessed and lucky i am to be alive, comparitively to more unfortunate souls out there.
i attribute all of this to losing faith. in a matter of months, i have lost 90% of my faith, in a purpose for life, and most of all, in people i love and trust. the remaining 10% i feel is just waiting to be taken. i am at a point where i will be ok with what happens or what might happen to the connections i have or might make by default. i no longer try very hard to please and maintain my ties. the fear of knowing love is for a limited time only no longer exists. because i have come to know already. i am no longer afraid to lose. but i am sad. and i will be sad if or when that occurs again.
very little can affect me since i am so numb to all that is life. i am not proud of this. i feel so very first world. so very spoiled in the fact that i cannot embrace my life, my physical health and all that i have been given. this is a form of the depression that is so different from anything i've experienced before. it's something else entirely.
suppose i will continue to shop and buy things i don't need as distractions. i will buy coffee and sit for hours. i will have some drinks so i can sleep better at night. i will take my vitamins and painkillers to pass the day. all this just to tie me over, till i can figure out how to will my will into desiring life again.