You don't realize what you have until you have until you have lost it......

[punk_rock_steve]

Today was probably the worst and yet most enlighting day of my life......Today I lost Lauren....that being the worst part....and the enlighting part i listed as my subject "You don't realize what you have until you have lost it".....I was with Lauren for one year and 7 months (roughly) and through that time I was a complete ass and jerk to her, not on purpose of course, but still one non the less. She was the best thing that has ever happend to me....no matter how i was feeling or what i was going through she was there for me....but i didn't see that....I didn't open up to her like i should have and instead i unknowingly pushed her away. She tried so hard to get me to open up to her and I never did, i tried so hard to show people that I was the same when i was with her or when i wasn't and that wasn't true....i was a very different person with her, i smiled more, i felt happy, but i was afraid of losing my image which is probably the stupidest thing i could have done. I also got irratated with her for always prying into affairs I didn't think she had any business asking about, but it was just her being concerned for my well being. She told me countless times how she felt and each time i told her i would change, but i never did. Now that I honestly feel that I have changed and I promise her that things are going to be different she natually doesn't belive me, and i can't blame her for that, its my fault. I guess i took her being there for me for granted and now that ive realized it i feel so horrible, stupid, and lame. I love her more than anything in the entire world, and i know she loves me, but can't handle how I was anymore. How could i have been so blind....every other guy is so fucking nice to their g/f and i thought i was but obviously i wasn't. It's not that i didn't/don't care about her, its just that i didn't want to become one of those guys who dissappeared from all his friends to spend time with the one he loves, but i realize now that i should have spent as much time as i could have with her, because thats all she wanted to do with me. Friends are there for you at anytime, even if your not there, thats why they are friends, but love isn't always there.....I had it and i've lost it.....fuck that its better to have loved and to have lost shit.......its better to have loved and kept loving until one of you dies, even then the love does not stop. God damn i wish more than ever i could go back in time and kick myself in the balls and tell myself what a fucking jerk i am for being so neglective to the most beautiful and loving girl in the whole world....How could someone be so stupid? But today I am a new person.....no more living like a fucking bum....no job, no car, no money.....fuck that.....im going to fucking school, getting a fucking job, getting a fucking car, a fucking place to live, and some fucking self-control, and if im lucky Lauren will honestly see a change in me and want to be back with me....but im not just doing it for her....im also doing it for myself! Sitting in a medical platoon in the USMC, you have a lot of time to think....a lot of time and all i can think about is how i treated Lauren the wrong way....and how much i already miss her......and to all my friends back home....if ive ever been a dick, a jerk, a bad listener, or anything else like that i promise that when i get back it is no more....i am going to be respectable, cleaned up, and over all a better guy...

Lauren I am truly and deeply sorry for the way I treated you and I know that actions speak louder than words, but even if you don't take me back I at least want you to know that if it wasn't for you non of this change in me would take place....take this post for instance....i have never posted up an emotional post like this.....you have nothing to feel bad about and your not a bitch.....you made this change in me, without you i gaurentee it wouldn't have happend and i will always be grateful to you for it.......I love you and always will....i hope someday you can take one last chance on me to let me be the boyfriend i set out to be all those months ago.....

~Love Steve~