Puttin' suckas in fear
Sorry, this is all I have this week:
This weekend I saw the end of a PSA with Hillary Duff telling me not to say "That's so gay." Thanks, Hillary Duff. That's all I want to do now. As a matter of fact, now I can't stop saying "That shit's so gay! Like, totally 80s style!"
Of course, I do that all the time anyway. I just feel I'm going to be saying it a lot more now.
Also relevant to this, the Degrassi episodes with Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes in them were on this weekend.
Oh, my damn! I just saw this thing on temporary tattoo ink made from Jagua fruit. Isn't that the same shit Race Bannon used in that one episode of Johnny Quest where he dyes himself purple to impersonate some tribe's water god? You know the one I mean! The one where he says, "TAKE A GOOD LOOK, YOU HEATHEN MONKEYS!"
No one remembers that one? Will it help if I told you Brock Sampson is purple during a flashback sequence in Venture Bros. as an homage to that very episode?
Ok, fine. It's not like it's a surprise to me that I have no life. You heathen monkeys.
This will probably be the last full-on recap I write for you, Lor. It's not that I don't love doing it for you ('cause I totally do) but after this I expect you to walk on your own two feet. Either seduce the cable guy into hooking you up with Telemundo or watch the fucking episodes on Telemundo.com. Do it. I know you won't, but do it anyway. I'll still tell you all about the good bits if, by the grace of God, I find you online ever, so don't be too sad.
Without further ado, I present to you, Lor, Niños Ricos...
Where were we? Ah, yes. We were in the hospital because Alex was bleeding out like whoa. The day after this tremendoid excitement, Esteban calls up Santiago ("You're depressed again? That's new.") and he lets Esteban know that Alex is in the hospy. Ever the nice guy, Esteban comes to visit Alex in the hospital, aw! Alex's mom pops a considerable boner for him (oh, she won't admit it, though) and says she wants to go have a talkie with the doctor. Taking advantage of mom's absence, I'm going to skip over some filler and get straight to the part where she asks Esteban to pretend to be her boyfriend. Esteban doesn't understand so she admits to him (like she has to) that she was raped the night of the party, but mom can't under any circumstances find out, so she totally BSed the doctor by saying she just lost her virginity to her boyfriend. Ever the nice guy, again, Esteban has a chat with Alex's doctor later that day. He gives her the same story that it was their first time and he may have gotten a little carried away. An honest mistake, is all. The doc gives her spiel about possible sexual abuse and then Esteban, forgetting himself, actually gets mad and asks if she's accusing him of rape. But why else could he be mad? I'll tell you in a bit!
Esteban is basically like, bitch, rape is a serious accusation, and you know who my father is and don't you be playin' with shit like that.
Now, for what I'm sure is going to be your favorite part of this awe-summary, gay-flavored adorable! Santiago has another fight with his mom about Alex and Aunt Lucía. He says something to the effect of her not being able to stand the fact that they're here because they have a chance at being a real family now and that her dried up, bitter ass is gonna be left out. Pissed off mom gives him the obligatory telenovela bitchslap (oh!), so Santiago goes outside to his as-of-yet unseen super bad-ass crotch rocket. I mean motorcycle. Dad tries to make him calm down and see reason. He says it's late, and too dark out, he could end up hitting something. Bitchslapped Santiago hopes he does. That's right, Lor! He hopes he does.
Spoiler alert! He doesn't hit anything.
He tears ass to a friend's house. Finally! The other boy from the opening credits! The one all up in his Kool-Aid and lookin' at him all pretty and shit. His name is Diego, and I can't think of a suitable nickname for him. It's a shame that ADORABLE FAGGOT SON is already taken, for he also, is that. I'd love nothing more than to call him AFSII:Electric Boogaloo, but I'm getting ahead of myself, here.
Santiago says he really needs a place to stay for the night. He says he just got in a huge fight with his mom and he can't go home. Also, he wanted nothing more than to drive straight into --uh, I forget what -- but his shit would totally have been dead, so he adds that if he were to take his own life, he would opt for something much less traumatic (translation: I can't die in a such a way as to make me look not pretty). And who can blame him? Who wants to die a bloody mess? Not I, said the duck.
Diego is more than happy to help a friend and sets him up for the night.
The next time we see him, poor Santiago is crying to himself a little before he gets undressed for bed. A shirtless Santiago is totally unaware of Diego, who is standing at the door catching an eyeful. What a little voyeur that Diego is!
The next morning, Diego's still in his PJs in the kitchen whippin' up some grubbage when a now fully dressed Santiago comes in. How does he get his hair to look like that so early in the morning? He thanks Diego for letting him stay over and says he should probably get out of his way now. Diego says he made him some breakfast but Santiago says he should really go home and get ready for school, even though going home may mean more fights, which may mean he might need a place to stay the night again in the near future. Diego says he doesn't need to worry about that. His parents are away and won't be home for the next several months so he's got the house to himself. Diego also asks if he's going to swim practice today and Santiago says he'll be there, so I'm guessing Diego's a swimmer too? Ionno. So Santi leaves without having any breakfast and Diego is left looking all sad and forlorn. Poor lonely Diego.
And that's what happens. Totally innocent sleepover. But you know you loved that shit. You'd have been all tense in the chestal region.
David didn't come to school today because his sister Lola's been expelled from her school and bein such a good cabbin' boy, he has to go and set shit right. Allegedly she was booted because of a fight, but when he talks to Lola's principal he learns of doin's of a more drug-related variety. David gets in a fight with this toughie that Lola hangs out with 'cause she thinks she's all gangsta now, and toughie apparently has laid claim to Lola in return. He takes her home and then bitchslaps her. With his words. And later manages to get Lola's principal to take her back and promises she won't be getting any trouble from her again. He tells Lola that she can do whatever she damn well pleases when she leaves school. She can join a gang, be a drug dealer, what-the-fuck-ever. But not until she graduates. SO GET'CHO ASS IN SCHOOL, BITCH. Word.
You can tell I care a bit less about this story arc 'cause it doesn't involve any of the richies. Also, I don't know too much about Lola just yet. Oh, well, moving on!
The headmaster Mr. Donnelly (or is he? I forget) is totally pissed. Again. He's sick of all these sordid tales of debauchery that keep getting back to him concerning this, his most favorite group of students. He's got the po po and some po po pups with which to engage in some good ol' fashioned search and seizure. What's the booty? Smokes, rubbers, druggies, and gasp, a gun, even! He says he has more than enough to go on even without proof of some alleged rapery so he has no choice but to call the parents in for a powwow. The students are dismissed for the rest of the day.
More curly haired Santiago scene-stealery: The kid who's always playing PSP instead of paying attention in class says something to Mr. Donnelly like his mommy won't stand for him to be accused of this bulljive. To which Santiago replies, "Your mom? Please. Knowing your mom, she probably doesn't even know what school you go to." and everyone else is like OH BURN.
Once they're outside, Esteban has a go at Matías. He's pissed and he wants to know what the fuck he did to Alex. Matías says he didn't do shit to her, but Esteban knows better. He punches him in the gut. A now winded Matías catches his breath, gets his bitch ass off the ground and says shit ain't goin' down like that. And what's more, he's got Esteban's number. Now! This is purely conjecture, here, but I'm going to have a guess and say that Mati is starting to think Esteban can't get it up unless his bitch is drugged and unconscious. If this is indeed the case, then you can be damn sure Matías is going to spread this shit around. I'm such a good guesser.
A little more on them boys later.
The parents are sitting in their kids' classroom because, rich as they are, they can't seem to be able to afford a conference room. No, really, the parents actually mention this. Mr. Donnelly explains the situation to them such as it is. Underage drinking, drugging, raping, perhaps. The parents take one of two sides on the present matter. Some say that if any of the shit the kids are being accused of is true, the authorities need to be involved and the guilty parties punished accordingly. The majority, however, are of the mind that involving the authorities would only besmirch the school's good name, and in so doing, further besmirch their own rich-ass families
Some of the parents want to know if the rape shit is true, why no one's come forward sooner. Mr. Donnelly says the last girl to report a rape was bullied until she left the school. When they ask Mr. Donnelly to bring her back for questioning he says that the girl took her own life a month and a half ago. He says the girl's parents didn't want him to divulge this information but given the circumstances he felt it was relevant to the present topic of discussion.
Shocked parents! Dead girls! Aah! And so ends another week of Niños Ricos.
It's more guessy guess time, though! During the promos for what's coming up in the current week we see Esteban sitting on Alex's bed saying "I know who raped you." Dun dun DUN! My guess is that since Matías will probably open his big, fat mouth to spread word that Esteban can't get it up if he's not gettin' his drug-and-rape on, Esteban will strike first by telling Alex that he was the one who raped her the night of the party and use his power and influence to, what's the word rich people love to use? Ah yes, destroy Mati. Oh, snap.
Okay! And now for the Monday/Tuesday recap! All this shit was written after all the goodness you just read, so you get all the mindblowing prophetic powers of the great and most wonderful Serge, but without the weekend wait! I even already told you a little bit of it last night. Awesome.
The parents form a comittee to try and find who's responsible for all these here rapes and such. Of course it's really just an excuse for one of the dads to invite the womenfolk to his place for chatty drinkery. So that's useless. The end. Or is it? We'll see.
Oh wait. I was right. Esteban told Alex that Matías raped her. He came over to visit with Anaís to see how she was feeling after getting out of the hospital. He sends Anaís out for pizza when he confides in Alex that it was Mati who done did da dirty deed. AND Matías is already spreading word that Esteban can't get it up.
Cabbin' boy david decides to come over too. What he was doing coming in from the back yard I'll never know, but it was a good excuse for him to run into Santiago, who was all greasy and shit working on his bike. Which, inversely was perfectly spotless. Hrm! David asks Santi why he can't just hire somebody to tune his bike but Santi says to him, he says, "I've been working on this bike since I got it and it hasn't killed me yet, no matter how hard I might try. So no need to worry. I got this."
David smiles at him but I'm sure he was more than a little creeped out. And when he gets to Alex's room he just misses Esteban telling Alex that Matías raped her. A visibly pissed Esteban says they should go so Alex can get her rest. David's like, wtf i just got here but Esteban convinces him to go anyway.
Hey, guess what! Santiago's mom gave gardener boy Gabriel a ride home. And they're already flirthing and eyeballing each other. Word.
Alpha male Esteban's alpha bitch, Isa also comes to visit with her two mean girl friends later that day. Oh, joy. Their aim is to find out whether she really was raped, like the rumors say; or if she's just a lush whore, like other rumors say. They have the most mindblowing conversation. Their town is sarcastic and catty with only the slightest notion of friendliness. This is where Santiago comes in to see how Alex is feeling and alpha bitch Isa tries to talk some shit. Santi just says, "Mm-hmm, go die"<3
Esteban goes down to the country club where Mati and the rest of his posse are playing a round of golf and stirs of shit up. They almost get in a fight but the other two dudes break it up 'cause they are lame. Also, they don't want to get kicked out. Again. He says to Mati that he knows he's already spreading rumors that he can't get a boner so he's all, you know what? I just told Alex you raped her. Good luck with that. Seeyoulaterbye.
Elsewhere in der club, Santiago and Diego are gettin' their swim practice on. Diego says he noticed something's off about Santiago's stroke and swims into his lane. He says Santiago has to move his right arm like --OH SHIT. Diego was totally about to put his arm around Santiago when he flinches away and says "No!" Diego is all like :0 and Santiago apologizes and says he doesn't like to be touched. Diego just wanted to help him with his stroke but Santi was like, don't even bother. I'm done. And he gets out of the pool. Sad, forlorn Diego is left on his own again, just like at breakfast. [Diego's theme song goes here.]
And guess who else comes to visit Alex? Oh, shit, son. It's Matías.
THAT'S IT, BYE!
You're totally on your own now. Unless I get bored and change my mind.
More unimportant shit to come.
¡Pásatelas super duuuper!
That shit's so gay! Like, totally 80s style!
Have I told you lately that I love you?
Serge
This weekend I saw the end of a PSA with Hillary Duff telling me not to say "That's so gay." Thanks, Hillary Duff. That's all I want to do now. As a matter of fact, now I can't stop saying "That shit's so gay! Like, totally 80s style!"
Of course, I do that all the time anyway. I just feel I'm going to be saying it a lot more now.
Also relevant to this, the Degrassi episodes with Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes in them were on this weekend.
Oh, my damn! I just saw this thing on temporary tattoo ink made from Jagua fruit. Isn't that the same shit Race Bannon used in that one episode of Johnny Quest where he dyes himself purple to impersonate some tribe's water god? You know the one I mean! The one where he says, "TAKE A GOOD LOOK, YOU HEATHEN MONKEYS!"
No one remembers that one? Will it help if I told you Brock Sampson is purple during a flashback sequence in Venture Bros. as an homage to that very episode?
Ok, fine. It's not like it's a surprise to me that I have no life. You heathen monkeys.
This will probably be the last full-on recap I write for you, Lor. It's not that I don't love doing it for you ('cause I totally do) but after this I expect you to walk on your own two feet. Either seduce the cable guy into hooking you up with Telemundo or watch the fucking episodes on Telemundo.com. Do it. I know you won't, but do it anyway. I'll still tell you all about the good bits if, by the grace of God, I find you online ever, so don't be too sad.
Without further ado, I present to you, Lor, Niños Ricos...
Where were we? Ah, yes. We were in the hospital because Alex was bleeding out like whoa. The day after this tremendoid excitement, Esteban calls up Santiago ("You're depressed again? That's new.") and he lets Esteban know that Alex is in the hospy. Ever the nice guy, Esteban comes to visit Alex in the hospital, aw! Alex's mom pops a considerable boner for him (oh, she won't admit it, though) and says she wants to go have a talkie with the doctor. Taking advantage of mom's absence, I'm going to skip over some filler and get straight to the part where she asks Esteban to pretend to be her boyfriend. Esteban doesn't understand so she admits to him (like she has to) that she was raped the night of the party, but mom can't under any circumstances find out, so she totally BSed the doctor by saying she just lost her virginity to her boyfriend. Ever the nice guy, again, Esteban has a chat with Alex's doctor later that day. He gives her the same story that it was their first time and he may have gotten a little carried away. An honest mistake, is all. The doc gives her spiel about possible sexual abuse and then Esteban, forgetting himself, actually gets mad and asks if she's accusing him of rape. But why else could he be mad? I'll tell you in a bit!
Esteban is basically like, bitch, rape is a serious accusation, and you know who my father is and don't you be playin' with shit like that.
Now, for what I'm sure is going to be your favorite part of this awe-summary, gay-flavored adorable! Santiago has another fight with his mom about Alex and Aunt Lucía. He says something to the effect of her not being able to stand the fact that they're here because they have a chance at being a real family now and that her dried up, bitter ass is gonna be left out. Pissed off mom gives him the obligatory telenovela bitchslap (oh!), so Santiago goes outside to his as-of-yet unseen super bad-ass crotch rocket. I mean motorcycle. Dad tries to make him calm down and see reason. He says it's late, and too dark out, he could end up hitting something. Bitchslapped Santiago hopes he does. That's right, Lor! He hopes he does.
Spoiler alert! He doesn't hit anything.
He tears ass to a friend's house. Finally! The other boy from the opening credits! The one all up in his Kool-Aid and lookin' at him all pretty and shit. His name is Diego, and I can't think of a suitable nickname for him. It's a shame that ADORABLE FAGGOT SON is already taken, for he also, is that. I'd love nothing more than to call him AFSII:Electric Boogaloo, but I'm getting ahead of myself, here.
Santiago says he really needs a place to stay for the night. He says he just got in a huge fight with his mom and he can't go home. Also, he wanted nothing more than to drive straight into --uh, I forget what -- but his shit would totally have been dead, so he adds that if he were to take his own life, he would opt for something much less traumatic (translation: I can't die in a such a way as to make me look not pretty). And who can blame him? Who wants to die a bloody mess? Not I, said the duck.
Diego is more than happy to help a friend and sets him up for the night.
The next time we see him, poor Santiago is crying to himself a little before he gets undressed for bed. A shirtless Santiago is totally unaware of Diego, who is standing at the door catching an eyeful. What a little voyeur that Diego is!
The next morning, Diego's still in his PJs in the kitchen whippin' up some grubbage when a now fully dressed Santiago comes in. How does he get his hair to look like that so early in the morning? He thanks Diego for letting him stay over and says he should probably get out of his way now. Diego says he made him some breakfast but Santiago says he should really go home and get ready for school, even though going home may mean more fights, which may mean he might need a place to stay the night again in the near future. Diego says he doesn't need to worry about that. His parents are away and won't be home for the next several months so he's got the house to himself. Diego also asks if he's going to swim practice today and Santiago says he'll be there, so I'm guessing Diego's a swimmer too? Ionno. So Santi leaves without having any breakfast and Diego is left looking all sad and forlorn. Poor lonely Diego.
And that's what happens. Totally innocent sleepover. But you know you loved that shit. You'd have been all tense in the chestal region.
David didn't come to school today because his sister Lola's been expelled from her school and bein such a good cabbin' boy, he has to go and set shit right. Allegedly she was booted because of a fight, but when he talks to Lola's principal he learns of doin's of a more drug-related variety. David gets in a fight with this toughie that Lola hangs out with 'cause she thinks she's all gangsta now, and toughie apparently has laid claim to Lola in return. He takes her home and then bitchslaps her. With his words. And later manages to get Lola's principal to take her back and promises she won't be getting any trouble from her again. He tells Lola that she can do whatever she damn well pleases when she leaves school. She can join a gang, be a drug dealer, what-the-fuck-ever. But not until she graduates. SO GET'CHO ASS IN SCHOOL, BITCH. Word.
You can tell I care a bit less about this story arc 'cause it doesn't involve any of the richies. Also, I don't know too much about Lola just yet. Oh, well, moving on!
The headmaster Mr. Donnelly (or is he? I forget) is totally pissed. Again. He's sick of all these sordid tales of debauchery that keep getting back to him concerning this, his most favorite group of students. He's got the po po and some po po pups with which to engage in some good ol' fashioned search and seizure. What's the booty? Smokes, rubbers, druggies, and gasp, a gun, even! He says he has more than enough to go on even without proof of some alleged rapery so he has no choice but to call the parents in for a powwow. The students are dismissed for the rest of the day.
More curly haired Santiago scene-stealery: The kid who's always playing PSP instead of paying attention in class says something to Mr. Donnelly like his mommy won't stand for him to be accused of this bulljive. To which Santiago replies, "Your mom? Please. Knowing your mom, she probably doesn't even know what school you go to." and everyone else is like OH BURN.
Once they're outside, Esteban has a go at Matías. He's pissed and he wants to know what the fuck he did to Alex. Matías says he didn't do shit to her, but Esteban knows better. He punches him in the gut. A now winded Matías catches his breath, gets his bitch ass off the ground and says shit ain't goin' down like that. And what's more, he's got Esteban's number. Now! This is purely conjecture, here, but I'm going to have a guess and say that Mati is starting to think Esteban can't get it up unless his bitch is drugged and unconscious. If this is indeed the case, then you can be damn sure Matías is going to spread this shit around. I'm such a good guesser.
A little more on them boys later.
The parents are sitting in their kids' classroom because, rich as they are, they can't seem to be able to afford a conference room. No, really, the parents actually mention this. Mr. Donnelly explains the situation to them such as it is. Underage drinking, drugging, raping, perhaps. The parents take one of two sides on the present matter. Some say that if any of the shit the kids are being accused of is true, the authorities need to be involved and the guilty parties punished accordingly. The majority, however, are of the mind that involving the authorities would only besmirch the school's good name, and in so doing, further besmirch their own rich-ass families
Some of the parents want to know if the rape shit is true, why no one's come forward sooner. Mr. Donnelly says the last girl to report a rape was bullied until she left the school. When they ask Mr. Donnelly to bring her back for questioning he says that the girl took her own life a month and a half ago. He says the girl's parents didn't want him to divulge this information but given the circumstances he felt it was relevant to the present topic of discussion.
Shocked parents! Dead girls! Aah! And so ends another week of Niños Ricos.
It's more guessy guess time, though! During the promos for what's coming up in the current week we see Esteban sitting on Alex's bed saying "I know who raped you." Dun dun DUN! My guess is that since Matías will probably open his big, fat mouth to spread word that Esteban can't get it up if he's not gettin' his drug-and-rape on, Esteban will strike first by telling Alex that he was the one who raped her the night of the party and use his power and influence to, what's the word rich people love to use? Ah yes, destroy Mati. Oh, snap.
Okay! And now for the Monday/Tuesday recap! All this shit was written after all the goodness you just read, so you get all the mindblowing prophetic powers of the great and most wonderful Serge, but without the weekend wait! I even already told you a little bit of it last night. Awesome.
The parents form a comittee to try and find who's responsible for all these here rapes and such. Of course it's really just an excuse for one of the dads to invite the womenfolk to his place for chatty drinkery. So that's useless. The end. Or is it? We'll see.
Oh wait. I was right. Esteban told Alex that Matías raped her. He came over to visit with Anaís to see how she was feeling after getting out of the hospital. He sends Anaís out for pizza when he confides in Alex that it was Mati who done did da dirty deed. AND Matías is already spreading word that Esteban can't get it up.
Cabbin' boy david decides to come over too. What he was doing coming in from the back yard I'll never know, but it was a good excuse for him to run into Santiago, who was all greasy and shit working on his bike. Which, inversely was perfectly spotless. Hrm! David asks Santi why he can't just hire somebody to tune his bike but Santi says to him, he says, "I've been working on this bike since I got it and it hasn't killed me yet, no matter how hard I might try. So no need to worry. I got this."
David smiles at him but I'm sure he was more than a little creeped out. And when he gets to Alex's room he just misses Esteban telling Alex that Matías raped her. A visibly pissed Esteban says they should go so Alex can get her rest. David's like, wtf i just got here but Esteban convinces him to go anyway.
Hey, guess what! Santiago's mom gave gardener boy Gabriel a ride home. And they're already flirthing and eyeballing each other. Word.
Alpha male Esteban's alpha bitch, Isa also comes to visit with her two mean girl friends later that day. Oh, joy. Their aim is to find out whether she really was raped, like the rumors say; or if she's just a lush whore, like other rumors say. They have the most mindblowing conversation. Their town is sarcastic and catty with only the slightest notion of friendliness. This is where Santiago comes in to see how Alex is feeling and alpha bitch Isa tries to talk some shit. Santi just says, "Mm-hmm, go die"<3
Esteban goes down to the country club where Mati and the rest of his posse are playing a round of golf and stirs of shit up. They almost get in a fight but the other two dudes break it up 'cause they are lame. Also, they don't want to get kicked out. Again. He says to Mati that he knows he's already spreading rumors that he can't get a boner so he's all, you know what? I just told Alex you raped her. Good luck with that. Seeyoulaterbye.
Elsewhere in der club, Santiago and Diego are gettin' their swim practice on. Diego says he noticed something's off about Santiago's stroke and swims into his lane. He says Santiago has to move his right arm like --OH SHIT. Diego was totally about to put his arm around Santiago when he flinches away and says "No!" Diego is all like :0 and Santiago apologizes and says he doesn't like to be touched. Diego just wanted to help him with his stroke but Santi was like, don't even bother. I'm done. And he gets out of the pool. Sad, forlorn Diego is left on his own again, just like at breakfast. [Diego's theme song goes here.]
And guess who else comes to visit Alex? Oh, shit, son. It's Matías.
THAT'S IT, BYE!
You're totally on your own now. Unless I get bored and change my mind.
More unimportant shit to come.
¡Pásatelas super duuuper!
That shit's so gay! Like, totally 80s style!
Have I told you lately that I love you?
Serge