(no subject)
So I already posted my intro, and I thought I'd share a couple things I've been struggling with lately.
I'm getting married in like almost a month. I'm trying really hard to be laid back about it because I believe it's the marriage, not the wedding, that's important. The truth is I'm terrified that I'm going to be hideous on my wedding day. I try so hard to hold myself up to these high feminist ideals I have, but I just can't do it because I just feel ugly all the time. I don't wear make-up, I rarely shave my legs, everything about me is pretty au naturale and I just feel so incredibly conscious about it. I want to be so skinny and toned an gorgeous in my dress, and I want to have flawless skin and look perfect. Then I want to just say fuck-it why should anyone really care, I'm going to be beautiful from the inside out.
There is just so much pressure to be beautiful, have a christian (barf) wedding, and (above all) be lady-like. I hate it, and I wish I didn't care about it so fucking much. I keep setting myself up for these crazy triggers and coming up with these hairbrained ideas for diets and ways to loose weight. I was anorexic for so long I don't know how to lose weight normally without expecting the same results. Sometimes I feel like I don't even need to lose weight because I'm at an ideal number. I just don't know. Even though I've been out of recovery for almost 3 years I still can't shake these thoughts and feelings. I don't want to relapse. Before it was so private and personal that nobody was hurt, now I would be hurting other people who love me.
I'm getting married in like almost a month. I'm trying really hard to be laid back about it because I believe it's the marriage, not the wedding, that's important. The truth is I'm terrified that I'm going to be hideous on my wedding day. I try so hard to hold myself up to these high feminist ideals I have, but I just can't do it because I just feel ugly all the time. I don't wear make-up, I rarely shave my legs, everything about me is pretty au naturale and I just feel so incredibly conscious about it. I want to be so skinny and toned an gorgeous in my dress, and I want to have flawless skin and look perfect. Then I want to just say fuck-it why should anyone really care, I'm going to be beautiful from the inside out.
There is just so much pressure to be beautiful, have a christian (barf) wedding, and (above all) be lady-like. I hate it, and I wish I didn't care about it so fucking much. I keep setting myself up for these crazy triggers and coming up with these hairbrained ideas for diets and ways to loose weight. I was anorexic for so long I don't know how to lose weight normally without expecting the same results. Sometimes I feel like I don't even need to lose weight because I'm at an ideal number. I just don't know. Even though I've been out of recovery for almost 3 years I still can't shake these thoughts and feelings. I don't want to relapse. Before it was so private and personal that nobody was hurt, now I would be hurting other people who love me.