Nightmares
Saturday I woke up from nightmares - in my dreams I was searching for M on a study break, and run to huge crowds of people - looking for him. I didn't like the feel of being apart.
Today I woke up from nightmares and remember only a few pieces of them again: I had my hair on a ponytail, I tightened it and the ponytail and my hair fell off. Then I was traveling with M, and at some point were were apart again, and I run to my uncle (who is alive). He said something about knowing when people will die from seeing their eyes, and I replied I can tell from the smell (the smell of the death).
Last week not a single day have I woken up happy or refreshed from enough sleep.
There were a few weeks of early shifts - these were sleeping 4 hours per night and I was still somehow functional. Now two days of a weekend and not on call but I still feel as tired as any given morning during the week I wake up. I want to wake up one day an realize the past 675ish days have been nothing but a nightmare and I can continue my life from where it was left before then. I'm not happy - I don't have enough time for myself, to reflect, to write, to do anything that refreshes me, it's just work and it's draining more than I can deal with.
Today I woke up from nightmares and remember only a few pieces of them again: I had my hair on a ponytail, I tightened it and the ponytail and my hair fell off. Then I was traveling with M, and at some point were were apart again, and I run to my uncle (who is alive). He said something about knowing when people will die from seeing their eyes, and I replied I can tell from the smell (the smell of the death).
Last week not a single day have I woken up happy or refreshed from enough sleep.
There were a few weeks of early shifts - these were sleeping 4 hours per night and I was still somehow functional. Now two days of a weekend and not on call but I still feel as tired as any given morning during the week I wake up. I want to wake up one day an realize the past 675ish days have been nothing but a nightmare and I can continue my life from where it was left before then. I'm not happy - I don't have enough time for myself, to reflect, to write, to do anything that refreshes me, it's just work and it's draining more than I can deal with.