(no subject)
So I know that I don't post here much, and It will probably be awhile between now and my next post, but I'm feeling the need.
So many things are changing for me, and about a month ago i was reaally excited about that. Everything seemed pretty positive and there was a lot to look forward too. There still is of course, i'm still going to graduate in June, I'll also be moving in June, I got full time at work and i'm looking to purchase my own car.. all very positive things.. and I'm pretty psyched about all of that stuff..
here's what's bringing me down though.
Also about a month a go.(maybe more like 6 weeks).. when I got back from my vacation in the D.R (which had it's own ups and downs).. I started chatting with this guy that seemed really fucking cool.. we had a lot of stuff in common (it was almost scary), we chatted every night for hours and seemed to really get along well. So we met and it was great. we had an awesome time and decided to go out again. Still chatted every night, the second date was awesome too.. had a great time.. decided to do it again... still chatted every night, texted during the day. .found out we had more in common, he was a really nice guy.. like a really nice guy and nothing like the other ppl i've dating (which everyone pointed out was a really good thing) and there was more we liked about eachother..he said he really liked me, i really liked him.. there appeard to be a connection there.. I hadn't felt like this before and it was a little scary. we hung out again, again had a great time...
here comes the shitty part.
I decided that since we'd had this "connection" and that things seemed to be getting pretty heated, it was time to tell him my "dirty little secret".. so, i tell him I have to tell him something and we meet and go for a walk.. I tell him, and he's really cool about it. tells me that it doesn't change how he feels, that he's still attracted to me blah blah blah.. i encourage him to take some time and think about what i've told him.. he says he thinks he should.. and he does and it's cool.
a few days latter he messages me and tells me that he really wants to see me, that he's kinda missed me the last few days and that he really likes me and we need to talk about it more.. I say sure, that it was a little strange not hearing from him the last couple of days, he says he knows what I mean..we make plans.
the next night we're chatting, he tells me he may have to break our plans, there's family in town that he needs to see.. but that he really would rather see me instead, and he's going to try to get out of it.. we chat some more and the last thing he says to me is "good night sexy" and we'll talk the next day...
the next day comes along and I don't hear from him.. no big deal, i call and leave him a VM asking what the deal is for our plans the next night.. no reply.. no big deal.. maybe he's out with his buddies... so i text him. .(which he pretty much always answers) and nothing.. okay that's cool...no big deal right?
the following day he's supossed to pick me up after work.. so i call him from work leave a message asking if we're still on... nothing.. so i text him a couple of hours later... nothing...i'm bored at work and i'm on-line killing time and i see that he's on facebook.. (evil facebook).. so I send him an e-mail.. maybe he misplaced his phone or something right? I mean he told me that he really liked me and he really wanted to see me... no answer....and nothing after that.. then I see that he's re-posted his profile on the dating site we met on (he had told me he took it down because he felt like he didn't need it anymore) and that does it for me.... Obviously he doesn't want to see me anymore and didn't have the guts to just tell me, send me an e-mail, anything.
so i send him one telling him basicly thanks for standing me up, i'm guessing you don't want to see me anymore, and fyi in the future, it's best to just tell someone that instead of leaving them hanging...
He stood me up about a week ago.. and I, so fucking chezzy over here, am still having a hard time dealing with it. I Know that we didn't date for that long... but I seriously thought that there was a connection there and that we really got along great.. get ready for some more cheeze here (this is over the top cheeze so seriously brace yourself)...here's what's making it hard.. every other time a dudes done this, i've been able to say, wow what an asshole and let it go.. i can't do it with this dude. (here's where the super cheeze comes in) Every time he kissed me, right from the first one to the last, i had a physiological reaction to it.. my chest felt tight all of a sudden, It was like I couldn't breath but I didn't have to come up for air either..(see.. super cheeze).. I honestly can't remember having that happen with anyone else. even the guys that i was in long-term relationships with... isn't that fucked up??
I can understand how he could have been scared away..that part I get.. but the hard part is the last conversation we had was a good one.. no indication that he had changed his mind.. it's like he woke up Thursday morning and was like "nope, can't do it" but didn't bother to let me know that.
So...I can't think that he's an asshole.. i know that i'll probably never hear from him again, there won't be any apologies comming via e-mail or phone or anything else.. i'm not going to run into him randomly.. like at the grocery store or at a bar or something.. it's just not going to happen...but.. again with the cheeze... I can't stop hoping that it will happen and that's what's got me stuck here. I catch myself thinking about it.. about how we'll run into each other and he'll say sorry and we'll talk about it and things will be fine.. or he doesn't say sorry and then i tell him he's a coward and an asshole...or he'll realize he still has the book I lent him and he decides to call me to return it....or something..
see.. i'm a fucking pathetic ball of cheese right now and I don't know how to let it go...i don't know what to do with these feelings.. I don't know how to push them aside and get my head into studying or work or whatever.. I just don't know how to do it.
i'm hoping posting this long ass thing will help...
I put my profile back up too.. but I feel like i can't go through this again with someone else... and when I do my search on the site.. his profile comes up and i catch myself looking at it wondering if he was on-line today or whatever.. that makes me sound like a stalker or something.... I just don't know how to put this behind me and move on and be happy about all the positive stuff again... because last week when I was thinking about all the positive stuff that was happening.. he was on the list.. graduation, moving, car, full time gig, finally met a pretty cool guy.....a nice guy, that has respect and cares about social issues, acctually wants to hear what I have to say about stuff and askes me how my day was...
So what do I do.. how do i get the fuck out of this funk?? I know ppl say that all I need time, but seriously.. I can't be a basket case for another fucking week or however long this time thing takes...
sigh...
So many things are changing for me, and about a month ago i was reaally excited about that. Everything seemed pretty positive and there was a lot to look forward too. There still is of course, i'm still going to graduate in June, I'll also be moving in June, I got full time at work and i'm looking to purchase my own car.. all very positive things.. and I'm pretty psyched about all of that stuff..
here's what's bringing me down though.
Also about a month a go.(maybe more like 6 weeks).. when I got back from my vacation in the D.R (which had it's own ups and downs).. I started chatting with this guy that seemed really fucking cool.. we had a lot of stuff in common (it was almost scary), we chatted every night for hours and seemed to really get along well. So we met and it was great. we had an awesome time and decided to go out again. Still chatted every night, the second date was awesome too.. had a great time.. decided to do it again... still chatted every night, texted during the day. .found out we had more in common, he was a really nice guy.. like a really nice guy and nothing like the other ppl i've dating (which everyone pointed out was a really good thing) and there was more we liked about eachother..he said he really liked me, i really liked him.. there appeard to be a connection there.. I hadn't felt like this before and it was a little scary. we hung out again, again had a great time...
here comes the shitty part.
I decided that since we'd had this "connection" and that things seemed to be getting pretty heated, it was time to tell him my "dirty little secret".. so, i tell him I have to tell him something and we meet and go for a walk.. I tell him, and he's really cool about it. tells me that it doesn't change how he feels, that he's still attracted to me blah blah blah.. i encourage him to take some time and think about what i've told him.. he says he thinks he should.. and he does and it's cool.
a few days latter he messages me and tells me that he really wants to see me, that he's kinda missed me the last few days and that he really likes me and we need to talk about it more.. I say sure, that it was a little strange not hearing from him the last couple of days, he says he knows what I mean..we make plans.
the next night we're chatting, he tells me he may have to break our plans, there's family in town that he needs to see.. but that he really would rather see me instead, and he's going to try to get out of it.. we chat some more and the last thing he says to me is "good night sexy" and we'll talk the next day...
the next day comes along and I don't hear from him.. no big deal, i call and leave him a VM asking what the deal is for our plans the next night.. no reply.. no big deal.. maybe he's out with his buddies... so i text him. .(which he pretty much always answers) and nothing.. okay that's cool...no big deal right?
the following day he's supossed to pick me up after work.. so i call him from work leave a message asking if we're still on... nothing.. so i text him a couple of hours later... nothing...i'm bored at work and i'm on-line killing time and i see that he's on facebook.. (evil facebook).. so I send him an e-mail.. maybe he misplaced his phone or something right? I mean he told me that he really liked me and he really wanted to see me... no answer....and nothing after that.. then I see that he's re-posted his profile on the dating site we met on (he had told me he took it down because he felt like he didn't need it anymore) and that does it for me.... Obviously he doesn't want to see me anymore and didn't have the guts to just tell me, send me an e-mail, anything.
so i send him one telling him basicly thanks for standing me up, i'm guessing you don't want to see me anymore, and fyi in the future, it's best to just tell someone that instead of leaving them hanging...
He stood me up about a week ago.. and I, so fucking chezzy over here, am still having a hard time dealing with it. I Know that we didn't date for that long... but I seriously thought that there was a connection there and that we really got along great.. get ready for some more cheeze here (this is over the top cheeze so seriously brace yourself)...here's what's making it hard.. every other time a dudes done this, i've been able to say, wow what an asshole and let it go.. i can't do it with this dude. (here's where the super cheeze comes in) Every time he kissed me, right from the first one to the last, i had a physiological reaction to it.. my chest felt tight all of a sudden, It was like I couldn't breath but I didn't have to come up for air either..(see.. super cheeze).. I honestly can't remember having that happen with anyone else. even the guys that i was in long-term relationships with... isn't that fucked up??
I can understand how he could have been scared away..that part I get.. but the hard part is the last conversation we had was a good one.. no indication that he had changed his mind.. it's like he woke up Thursday morning and was like "nope, can't do it" but didn't bother to let me know that.
So...I can't think that he's an asshole.. i know that i'll probably never hear from him again, there won't be any apologies comming via e-mail or phone or anything else.. i'm not going to run into him randomly.. like at the grocery store or at a bar or something.. it's just not going to happen...but.. again with the cheeze... I can't stop hoping that it will happen and that's what's got me stuck here. I catch myself thinking about it.. about how we'll run into each other and he'll say sorry and we'll talk about it and things will be fine.. or he doesn't say sorry and then i tell him he's a coward and an asshole...or he'll realize he still has the book I lent him and he decides to call me to return it....or something..
see.. i'm a fucking pathetic ball of cheese right now and I don't know how to let it go...i don't know what to do with these feelings.. I don't know how to push them aside and get my head into studying or work or whatever.. I just don't know how to do it.
i'm hoping posting this long ass thing will help...
I put my profile back up too.. but I feel like i can't go through this again with someone else... and when I do my search on the site.. his profile comes up and i catch myself looking at it wondering if he was on-line today or whatever.. that makes me sound like a stalker or something.... I just don't know how to put this behind me and move on and be happy about all the positive stuff again... because last week when I was thinking about all the positive stuff that was happening.. he was on the list.. graduation, moving, car, full time gig, finally met a pretty cool guy.....a nice guy, that has respect and cares about social issues, acctually wants to hear what I have to say about stuff and askes me how my day was...
So what do I do.. how do i get the fuck out of this funk?? I know ppl say that all I need time, but seriously.. I can't be a basket case for another fucking week or however long this time thing takes...
sigh...