WOW
I don't really want to make this a long entry because I really don't have time, and would like to write a long entry very soon though however. I actually just wanted to log into this journal because im looking up supplements for hair and skin and I recall saving an entry about that on a journal community I used to follow years ago.
SO much has changed, I've changed, yet I am still obviously the same, just different at the same time... hah, what a contradiction that is...
I glance at my journal and the first entry on the screen is centered all around Doug. My god, I would NEVER want to relive that time in my life, words cannot do justice for what a horrible time in my life that breakup was, I truly was at the absolute LOWEST of the low in my life then and thought I would never feel okay again, thought I would ever get through it. Thought I couldn't survive without him. My goodness how WRONG I was. But I am thankful for that experience, for falling in love with him, and going through that pain, and everything I learned. He was not the right person for me. He was not "the one". To this day , he is convinced, and for a while made me believe, that I WAS THE ONE WHO MESSED EVERYTHING UP AND WAS WRONG, and he made it seem like what he did wasn't a big deal, or at least wasn't as bad as my actions were. WRONG. Here it is in black and white: HE CHEATED ON ME WITH A MARRIED LADY, HAD A THING GOING ON WITH HER, I HAD MY SUSPICIONS FOR AWHILE, I WAS WRONG AND WENT INTO HIS EMAIL, AND LOOKED OVER HIS PHONE BILL ON VERIZONWIRELESS.COM, SAW HIM CONSTANTLY TEXTING BACK AND FORTH WITH HER FOR WEEKS, IDK HOW LONG, I HAD A COWORKER WHO WAS INTERESTED IN ME, I DID NOT LIKE HIM, I FELT NEGLECTED BY DOUG, AND FELT LIKE I WAS NOT A PRIORITY BECAUSE I WASN'T, HIS CAREER WAS NUMBER ONE AND I WAS NUMBER TWO, AFTER A WHILE GETTING ATTENTION BY SOMEONE ELSE I ENJOYED, I WAS FIGHTING WITH DOUG, AND WAS UPSET, WE HAD AN ARGUMENT, DIDNT TALK FOR A DAY OR TWO, I WENT TO A PARTY AND WAS VERY DRUNK AND HAD ONE TIME SEX WITH THAT COWORKER, NEXT DAY YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GUILTY AND HORRIBLE I FELT, COULDNT TELL DOUG SO ALL I DID TELL HIM WAS THAT I KISSED SOMEONE, HE DIDNT SEEM TO CARE REALLY, EVERYTHING SEEMED FINE THAT NEXT WEEK, UNTIL I SAW EMAIL FROM MARRIED LADYS HUSBAND TO DOUG SAYING HOW HE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON AND THAT A MARRIAGE AND A FAMILY WERE AT RISK, SO OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING WAS GOING ON, I CALL HIM UP AND HE DENIES IT UNTIL THE VERY END HE KNEW HE COULDNT LIE, I FLIP OUT, HE CLAIMS IT WAS A ONE TIME THING THEY KISSED ONCE NO BIG DEAL (BULLSHIT LOL), AND I SCREAM TELL HIM I HATE HIM ETC, WRITE A FACEBOOK POST, MESSAGE HIS BROTHER (GEEZ THIS IS LONGER THAN I WANTED LOL),
Basically: he cheated...emotionally and physically with married lady... if they had sex, who knows, he claims they kissed once... I don't believe that. I have too much to drink one night after fighting and thinking he was cheating didn't know yet, and I have sex with coworker. I apparentally was the wrong one and he wasn't, and I was the one who was supposed to "SHOW HIM I WANTED HIM BACK"... MY "WORDS WERENT ENOUGH" it wasn't enough me telling him how much I loved him and needed him in my life and how sorry I was , etc etc, I had to "SHOW HIM"... show someone who is in tennesee.... yeah...
he cheated on his past girlfriends numerous times, I know he loved me, but I am sure if someday we had married, he would have cheated on me then. sorry but I am not going to CONVINCE someone to be with me, you either love me and want me in your life OR YOU DONT. I am not going to get on my knees, cry, fly a million miles to you, do backbends and cartwheels , make balloon animals, and beg, for you to come back to me. IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.
WE BOTH MESSED UP, BOTH MADE MISTAKES.
and it has been two years last month we have been broken up and we have talked, texted, back and forth regularly since then. BUT NO MORE... kim texted him when her and I were out beginning of august, she texted him saying "leave my jenny alone , shes happy now don't bother her, etc" I guess he texted back the next day questioning it.. then mysteriously the next day was Friday and all of a sudden he came home and wanted to see me.. I texted back saying I don't think that's a good idea... I think he was SHOCKED.. and I haven't heard from him since. I am sure from what kim told him and what I told him a month or two ago that he probably realizes I am seeing someone... I want nothing to do with him, I hope he has a nice life but we are not friends nor will we ever be... he doesn't know me anymore.. and I don't know him... and he convinced me for so very long that I was the wrong person and wasn't good enough ... fuck that.
and that's the end of that....
I am now seeing someone... who I am absolutely head over heels in love with... and for the first time I actually feel loved by him.. and dare I say... he is the one. I don't want to compare and bring this up... but yes when I was with doug I thought he was the one id be with.. I thought it was different and we would be together in the future... but slowly I realized different.... and with feeling so neglected and second best.. and with what happened at the end... he was absolutely not the person for me...
I am with someone know who I care for very dearly.. everything about him is amazing, and it truly came out of nowhere.. that expression.. you never find it when you're looking for it.. is absolutely true... it came out of nowhere.. but things have a funny way of happening like that.. and now I look back on the past few years and it all worked out the way it was supposed to ... I could go on and on about him, ill save that for another day because im currently overwhelmed with all the things I need to do right now... but I am currently seeing the guy I am going to marry.. and have a family with.. its a scary concept at the same time... but he makes me happy :)
SO much has changed, I've changed, yet I am still obviously the same, just different at the same time... hah, what a contradiction that is...
I glance at my journal and the first entry on the screen is centered all around Doug. My god, I would NEVER want to relive that time in my life, words cannot do justice for what a horrible time in my life that breakup was, I truly was at the absolute LOWEST of the low in my life then and thought I would never feel okay again, thought I would ever get through it. Thought I couldn't survive without him. My goodness how WRONG I was. But I am thankful for that experience, for falling in love with him, and going through that pain, and everything I learned. He was not the right person for me. He was not "the one". To this day , he is convinced, and for a while made me believe, that I WAS THE ONE WHO MESSED EVERYTHING UP AND WAS WRONG, and he made it seem like what he did wasn't a big deal, or at least wasn't as bad as my actions were. WRONG. Here it is in black and white: HE CHEATED ON ME WITH A MARRIED LADY, HAD A THING GOING ON WITH HER, I HAD MY SUSPICIONS FOR AWHILE, I WAS WRONG AND WENT INTO HIS EMAIL, AND LOOKED OVER HIS PHONE BILL ON VERIZONWIRELESS.COM, SAW HIM CONSTANTLY TEXTING BACK AND FORTH WITH HER FOR WEEKS, IDK HOW LONG, I HAD A COWORKER WHO WAS INTERESTED IN ME, I DID NOT LIKE HIM, I FELT NEGLECTED BY DOUG, AND FELT LIKE I WAS NOT A PRIORITY BECAUSE I WASN'T, HIS CAREER WAS NUMBER ONE AND I WAS NUMBER TWO, AFTER A WHILE GETTING ATTENTION BY SOMEONE ELSE I ENJOYED, I WAS FIGHTING WITH DOUG, AND WAS UPSET, WE HAD AN ARGUMENT, DIDNT TALK FOR A DAY OR TWO, I WENT TO A PARTY AND WAS VERY DRUNK AND HAD ONE TIME SEX WITH THAT COWORKER, NEXT DAY YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GUILTY AND HORRIBLE I FELT, COULDNT TELL DOUG SO ALL I DID TELL HIM WAS THAT I KISSED SOMEONE, HE DIDNT SEEM TO CARE REALLY, EVERYTHING SEEMED FINE THAT NEXT WEEK, UNTIL I SAW EMAIL FROM MARRIED LADYS HUSBAND TO DOUG SAYING HOW HE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON AND THAT A MARRIAGE AND A FAMILY WERE AT RISK, SO OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING WAS GOING ON, I CALL HIM UP AND HE DENIES IT UNTIL THE VERY END HE KNEW HE COULDNT LIE, I FLIP OUT, HE CLAIMS IT WAS A ONE TIME THING THEY KISSED ONCE NO BIG DEAL (BULLSHIT LOL), AND I SCREAM TELL HIM I HATE HIM ETC, WRITE A FACEBOOK POST, MESSAGE HIS BROTHER (GEEZ THIS IS LONGER THAN I WANTED LOL),
Basically: he cheated...emotionally and physically with married lady... if they had sex, who knows, he claims they kissed once... I don't believe that. I have too much to drink one night after fighting and thinking he was cheating didn't know yet, and I have sex with coworker. I apparentally was the wrong one and he wasn't, and I was the one who was supposed to "SHOW HIM I WANTED HIM BACK"... MY "WORDS WERENT ENOUGH" it wasn't enough me telling him how much I loved him and needed him in my life and how sorry I was , etc etc, I had to "SHOW HIM"... show someone who is in tennesee.... yeah...
he cheated on his past girlfriends numerous times, I know he loved me, but I am sure if someday we had married, he would have cheated on me then. sorry but I am not going to CONVINCE someone to be with me, you either love me and want me in your life OR YOU DONT. I am not going to get on my knees, cry, fly a million miles to you, do backbends and cartwheels , make balloon animals, and beg, for you to come back to me. IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT.
WE BOTH MESSED UP, BOTH MADE MISTAKES.
and it has been two years last month we have been broken up and we have talked, texted, back and forth regularly since then. BUT NO MORE... kim texted him when her and I were out beginning of august, she texted him saying "leave my jenny alone , shes happy now don't bother her, etc" I guess he texted back the next day questioning it.. then mysteriously the next day was Friday and all of a sudden he came home and wanted to see me.. I texted back saying I don't think that's a good idea... I think he was SHOCKED.. and I haven't heard from him since. I am sure from what kim told him and what I told him a month or two ago that he probably realizes I am seeing someone... I want nothing to do with him, I hope he has a nice life but we are not friends nor will we ever be... he doesn't know me anymore.. and I don't know him... and he convinced me for so very long that I was the wrong person and wasn't good enough ... fuck that.
and that's the end of that....
I am now seeing someone... who I am absolutely head over heels in love with... and for the first time I actually feel loved by him.. and dare I say... he is the one. I don't want to compare and bring this up... but yes when I was with doug I thought he was the one id be with.. I thought it was different and we would be together in the future... but slowly I realized different.... and with feeling so neglected and second best.. and with what happened at the end... he was absolutely not the person for me...
I am with someone know who I care for very dearly.. everything about him is amazing, and it truly came out of nowhere.. that expression.. you never find it when you're looking for it.. is absolutely true... it came out of nowhere.. but things have a funny way of happening like that.. and now I look back on the past few years and it all worked out the way it was supposed to ... I could go on and on about him, ill save that for another day because im currently overwhelmed with all the things I need to do right now... but I am currently seeing the guy I am going to marry.. and have a family with.. its a scary concept at the same time... but he makes me happy :)