(no subject)
I dunno im kind of sick of people right now. I don't know why but I just have this feeling that i'm truly alone or cursed for the rest of my life. I wish more then anything else that I could have a true best friend. I mean someone I know that's gonna be there no matter what, who I know has my back, that i can just call up anytime and hang out. Maybe it's because of my childhood. I never had a best friend when I grew up cause a good majority of my friends were girls. Not that I didn't have guy friends. But I didn't trust most of them. This is because there would be times where I would wanan hang out and they would just refuse. First couple of times I would let it slide but then after that I just stopped letting them in. So now it's kinda backfiring on me because I just don't trust guys to be my best friends anymore. I mean I have really good friends like Dave, and Eric, and Steve. But are they my best friends? On some occassions. i mean on some occassions they have been there for me more then my own mother and I'm very grateful for that. But sometimes I just wish I had one friend who I could always hang out with, or chill with everyday, or just to have a heart to heart talk with. I grew up in a house full of girls and all I ever wanted was a brother. I mean im sure some of u think brothers are no big deal and stuff like that but I'd probably do anything to have a brother close to my age. DOn't get me wrong, I have great parents. I wouldn't trade them for the world. But there are just sometimes when I feel like I can't talk to anybody but God because everyone is either away or busy or something of that nature.*sighs* I just don't know how to describe what i'm feeling. I feel like I've been giving for so long but I haven't seen nothing substantial returned. I mean I know the gospel says to hold on and it will come eventually. You reap what you sow. But I dunno. I just haven't seen mine yet I guess. I'm a very optimistic person ya know. I like to look on the brighter side of everything. When people are having a bad day I try to do everything in my power to change that. That's just who I am. But soemtimes I feel like that it's not returned to me at all. I've had so many bad days where no one is to be found and i kinda just break down for a bit but then think to try to make it through. It's kinda like that Superman song by five for fighting. Part of a verse that goes "wish that i could cry, fall upon my knees". And yes at times I wish I could just yell out all the demons that have been just built inside of me for so long. But I like to think of myself as a warrior in many aspects of life. I'm a warrior physically, mentally, and spiritually. Physically because I am in training to learn as much about the martial arts as possible. Right now I know I have at least a 3rd rank in 5 forms of martial arts except Aikido (only took that for 5 months) and am now pursuing my black belt in Tae Kwon Do. ANybody's whos been in my room knows what im talkin about. But anyways, mentally because I have to always fight the urge to be pessimistic. I mean I am cheerful most of the time. Hakuna Matata is my fav phrase but it's not as easy as it looks. When life sometimes sends dozens of storm clouds ur way it's hard to envision the sun ever again. But somehow deep inside me i find a way. I have been wounded so many times by women it's really hard to keep count. Some scars are deeper then other but like the warrior I am I will keep fighting until it's over. And last but certainly not least I feel that i am definitely a spiritual warrior. For those of you who don't want me to get spiritual on ya'll you can just stop reading now. All my life I have been questioning God ya know....does he exist? or is it a sham? NOw what I'm writing in here is just my views okay people. I'm not trying to convince anybody to "convert" or "repent" like the crazy people outside wells hall. That's just not how I do it. But up until a year ago my relationship with God was like a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes I was definitely sure then there were times when I had my doubts. Then one day it just clicked. Was the most unexpected thing. I mean i loved goin to church, i went to bible study and everything. Then I made the most stupidest mistake in the world. I put my gf before God. That's right. I stopped goin to church cause we would sleep in late. I mean she was the world to me. And now that she's gone I have been reflecting on everything. I mean it hurt real bad. But deep down inside of me I know it's because I had my priorities wrong. I heard this verse from a song that signifies this: "How can u learn if you don't fall...How can u walk if at first u don't crawl". It's totally true. I had to lose it all to open my eyes and see. And now that I know, now that my eyes are open, my life has been changing dramatically for the better. I'm changing my jaor to what i really wanna do. I'm a mor confident person and it shows in the way I work, the way I walk, and the way I talk to people. Feels like my life is finally changing to the way I want it to be afterall because I know my life is not in my hands anymore and I just have to follow the road laid ahead of me. I mean i know this may sound corny to a lot of u actually but there really is no other way I can describe it. And I just hope that one day u guys will know what I'm talkin about. I guess I do have a best friend after all......