Clinical Depresion
I was diagnosed with clinical depression a long time ago. I was medicated for a short period after that. The period being short because I did not feel like myself while on the medications. I vowed to myself I could handle it without the medications. I Mantra a lot, probably a few dozen times a day. I would think it is more than most. In my head I must tell myself to rethink situations. The most basic mantra is "Stop. What are you getting angry/depressed about? is it worth it?" and 9 times out of 10 it isn't. I have lived with this without medication for over 10 years now. Some days are harder than others, but I keep moving. I have had a few really rough patches over the years but I have always come out on top. The problem is I have noticed every time I get hit hard it gets worse. Right now is one of those times. I am not the only victim of my depression. My family, my friends, and my girlfriend even my dogs are suffering. I am Angry, Nasty, Irritable and borderline abusive. I stop and apologize immediately. But I am pretty sure the damage has already been done. at this point I do not know what to do. I am being flooded with darkness and no one can help me but myself. And right now I do not wish to help myself, because I do not deserve to be helped. I can rationalize I know what is right and wrong. But I cannot stop it right now. I know I am strong enough I know I can do this. just right now it is really hard. As I write this I am fighting the urge to just delete it. It is interesting how one can war with ones self.
I am going to apologize in advance to you all. I know it is not going to make up for the things I do or say, But isn't the thought worth something? If you truly want to help me. Let me know when I am going too far, or looking at things in a really bad perspective. I may be grouchy and it may not look like I am taking your advice. But I will make me think and attempt to rethink the situation. or make me "mantra" quietly to myself. Do not say "Mantra" because oddly enough that will piss me off really quickly. Just a small little "maybe you are thinking about this wrong" or "That’s not how I saw it." I may not look like I am heeding your advice. But I am.
I think that is all I can tell you for now. Here is a not so quick reference if you want a little more info. And if you read through enough you will see my A.D.D. does not help matters.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clinical_depression
Again this is my attempt at helping you help me. you do not have to if you do not want to. But I will appreciate it if you do.
~Brian
I am going to apologize in advance to you all. I know it is not going to make up for the things I do or say, But isn't the thought worth something? If you truly want to help me. Let me know when I am going too far, or looking at things in a really bad perspective. I may be grouchy and it may not look like I am taking your advice. But I will make me think and attempt to rethink the situation. or make me "mantra" quietly to myself. Do not say "Mantra" because oddly enough that will piss me off really quickly. Just a small little "maybe you are thinking about this wrong" or "That’s not how I saw it." I may not look like I am heeding your advice. But I am.
I think that is all I can tell you for now. Here is a not so quick reference if you want a little more info. And if you read through enough you will see my A.D.D. does not help matters.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clinical_depression
Again this is my attempt at helping you help me. you do not have to if you do not want to. But I will appreciate it if you do.
~Brian