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today i had an almost wonderful day, but then some of the harsh realities i've been living with reared their screaming heads and i spent another train ride home sobbing. to make matters worse i have a hell of a hacking couch which becomes involuntary when i get too worked up, so i was a hot mess waiting for the one train at time's square, all
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I don't have much smiling positivity to provide you--but *endurance above all* is the key.
Just keep breathing.
Keep going.
Keep loving, keep fighting the best kind of fight--for all the right reasons.
An old martial arts buddy of mine one told me that one of the key principles of a rather esoteric style of kung-fu he practices is this:
"invest in loss".
Now that probably means something more tactical (being aware of empty space, or something like that, I dunno, it can mean so many things)--but I like to think of it as a much larger concept. Investing in loss.
Mull it over for a bit. It sounds negative, but it's not really--it's neutral, like rain and sun, the wind and the ground are neutral, yet necessary things. Plain facts.
The way things are. Nothing to fear, but just simply accept--as hard as that can be.
Attuning yourself to natural constants can give you a tremendous ability to bear this life.
The Buddhists, the Stoics, Taoists, Sufis, all those quietist mountainside mystics all knew and know this. I suspect that people who still live on and by the land and sea (hunters, famers, fishermen, etc.)--not for commercial profit, but for the reason of simply sustaining their lives--also know this, quite well. Natural constants--like breath, like the ocean and the changing cycles of the seasons, like the inevitability of loss.
A movie I saw last night that made me very, very weepy, and hit me very hard for many, many reasons had in it this line:
"In the end, I left everything and everyone. But no one has *ever* left me."
They're quite terribly lonely sentences, but full of love, understanding and memory, yes?
Investing in loss. Not fearing or hating it...loving despite it, loving because of it.
Loving and living anyway. Despite everything, despite our own fears and cares and partly healed wounds and recollections in the night that make us ache and shiver and burn.
It's only pain, after all. Nothing to fear--it's the path to wisdom.
Keep breathing. Keep going. You'll be okay.
It's all "grist for the mills of art" anyway, right?
With love, as you know,
...
<3
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