(no subject)
i miss parts of me i've been before
i miss the things i could draw
i miss the stories i could write
i miss the songs and poems too
i miss??? my hair?? and its scent?
i miss my sharp hands and words?
i miss my lack of coordination???
i miss being looked at with question marks??? i do.
i miss the words i wouldn't use for anybody
i miss the honesty in my negative responses
i miss hiding behind natural layers of self
i miss the fruit-like smell that lived on me
i miss respecting everyone i met
i miss not having contempt for strangers
i miss being too shy to get involved
i miss not caring what i was listening to
i miss not having things to regret yet
i miss not knowing what my flaws are
i miss not caring why dad and mom didn't live together anymore and why i don't really see dad anymore and when i do he's in love with a woman i've never met who has her own children that see him so much more often and why he does things with them that he doesn't do with me and why he never really talked to me when we were at my brother's baseball games because i never really liked baseball or sports in general and liked cooking breakfast with mom maybe a little too much and wondered what i'd look like if i was a girl maybe a little too often
i miss not knowing that my life has fairly consistently consisted of instances in which i have in some way disappointed, embarrassed, angered, or broken the heart of my mother and that years later even when i'm better and she's better we'll still both think of how different her life would have been if she had just decided to continue using birth control for one more month or if, 5 years later, she had left him in the kids' waiting room after having him tested for mental strength so that he wouldn't know how much he had and wouldn't develop an ego as all-encompassing as the shell he built of loneliness around himself
i miss not knowing what i should have done different
i miss not having written or said something to someone or someones that took it poorly
i miss not regretting times i should have been harsher
i miss not worrying about where mom was when she wasn't at work or at home
i miss loving my family
i miss loving the world
i miss loving everyone
i miss loving reasonably and with consistency and no harshness
i miss not wondering with uncertainty how many girls i've been involved with
i miss not sitting up writing about regrets and nostalgia
i miss not worrying about the precise length of my socks and/or sleeves
i miss not thinking about what piece of metal would look best where on my body
i miss impressing myself and growing from thinking
i miss impressing my mother with what i could think about
i miss impressing my brother with how fast i could do his thinking
i miss impressing not my father so much because my thinking wasn't much to his liking but i still miss when trying felt right
i miss reading their important books out loud when they said to
i miss not really thinking about what they said or "implied" about me or anyone else
i miss saying prayers and feeling like it was the correct thing to do
i miss when i felt like everything i screamed up at the sky got an answer or any kind of regard at all from anyone anywhere
i miss not saying hi when i didn't know you
i miss not walking where i hadn't walked before
i miss not taking a step away from my mom's line of sight
i miss the fear i had about the world in all the wrong ways without knowledge of the things in it worth fearing
i miss my life with new places every year and new people to hate me
i miss the feeling of relief that came every year when the people who already did would no longer be able to
i miss being able to count on getting away from a place you hated with patience
i miss relying on hiding as a method of escape from the problem and the guaranteed eventual change
i miss experiencing the passage of time as something other than periods of healing between critical events
i miss remembering things without a taint to the memory
i miss looking back on old friends without bits about my having done something wrong to them
i miss knowing girls and not wondering how capable i would be of getting them to love me back
i miss not having ever been in a situation where i'd have to judge between how much i loved either of two people in comparison to one another in situations that might be considered sinful to some
i miss not having ever experienced the feeling of biased judgment or preconceived notions of a being's character stemming from their physical traits or personal background or economic situation
i miss not having to question whether or not my usage of water could be the possible cause of our financial troubles or at the very least a prime example of my negligence of the needs of others
i miss not having the guilt that comes with mistreating someone heavily invested in their trusting you not to mistreat them in favor of someone who cared equally little about you, fueling a cycle of stringing one another along in some kind of bid at power over another person's heart or mind or whatever it is we get from having someone love us
i miss not being cynical of love
i miss not being cynical of girls
i miss not knowing what cynicism was
i miss not knowing what most things were
i miss my opportunities
i miss my whole future
i miss my unclouded eyes
i miss my unbroken family mostly
i miss the things i could draw
i miss the stories i could write
i miss the songs and poems too
i miss??? my hair?? and its scent?
i miss my sharp hands and words?
i miss my lack of coordination???
i miss being looked at with question marks??? i do.
i miss the words i wouldn't use for anybody
i miss the honesty in my negative responses
i miss hiding behind natural layers of self
i miss the fruit-like smell that lived on me
i miss respecting everyone i met
i miss not having contempt for strangers
i miss being too shy to get involved
i miss not caring what i was listening to
i miss not having things to regret yet
i miss not knowing what my flaws are
i miss not caring why dad and mom didn't live together anymore and why i don't really see dad anymore and when i do he's in love with a woman i've never met who has her own children that see him so much more often and why he does things with them that he doesn't do with me and why he never really talked to me when we were at my brother's baseball games because i never really liked baseball or sports in general and liked cooking breakfast with mom maybe a little too much and wondered what i'd look like if i was a girl maybe a little too often
i miss not knowing that my life has fairly consistently consisted of instances in which i have in some way disappointed, embarrassed, angered, or broken the heart of my mother and that years later even when i'm better and she's better we'll still both think of how different her life would have been if she had just decided to continue using birth control for one more month or if, 5 years later, she had left him in the kids' waiting room after having him tested for mental strength so that he wouldn't know how much he had and wouldn't develop an ego as all-encompassing as the shell he built of loneliness around himself
i miss not knowing what i should have done different
i miss not having written or said something to someone or someones that took it poorly
i miss not regretting times i should have been harsher
i miss not worrying about where mom was when she wasn't at work or at home
i miss loving my family
i miss loving the world
i miss loving everyone
i miss loving reasonably and with consistency and no harshness
i miss not wondering with uncertainty how many girls i've been involved with
i miss not sitting up writing about regrets and nostalgia
i miss not worrying about the precise length of my socks and/or sleeves
i miss not thinking about what piece of metal would look best where on my body
i miss impressing myself and growing from thinking
i miss impressing my mother with what i could think about
i miss impressing my brother with how fast i could do his thinking
i miss impressing not my father so much because my thinking wasn't much to his liking but i still miss when trying felt right
i miss reading their important books out loud when they said to
i miss not really thinking about what they said or "implied" about me or anyone else
i miss saying prayers and feeling like it was the correct thing to do
i miss when i felt like everything i screamed up at the sky got an answer or any kind of regard at all from anyone anywhere
i miss not saying hi when i didn't know you
i miss not walking where i hadn't walked before
i miss not taking a step away from my mom's line of sight
i miss the fear i had about the world in all the wrong ways without knowledge of the things in it worth fearing
i miss my life with new places every year and new people to hate me
i miss the feeling of relief that came every year when the people who already did would no longer be able to
i miss being able to count on getting away from a place you hated with patience
i miss relying on hiding as a method of escape from the problem and the guaranteed eventual change
i miss experiencing the passage of time as something other than periods of healing between critical events
i miss remembering things without a taint to the memory
i miss looking back on old friends without bits about my having done something wrong to them
i miss knowing girls and not wondering how capable i would be of getting them to love me back
i miss not having ever been in a situation where i'd have to judge between how much i loved either of two people in comparison to one another in situations that might be considered sinful to some
i miss not having ever experienced the feeling of biased judgment or preconceived notions of a being's character stemming from their physical traits or personal background or economic situation
i miss not having to question whether or not my usage of water could be the possible cause of our financial troubles or at the very least a prime example of my negligence of the needs of others
i miss not having the guilt that comes with mistreating someone heavily invested in their trusting you not to mistreat them in favor of someone who cared equally little about you, fueling a cycle of stringing one another along in some kind of bid at power over another person's heart or mind or whatever it is we get from having someone love us
i miss not being cynical of love
i miss not being cynical of girls
i miss not knowing what cynicism was
i miss not knowing what most things were
i miss my opportunities
i miss my whole future
i miss my unclouded eyes
i miss my unbroken family mostly